


You are my undoing

by Samcgrath



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bad Boy Derek, M/M, No Major Character Death, Pain, Pining Derek, Sick Stiles, Slow Build, Stilinski Family Feels, but happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-10
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samcgrath/pseuds/Samcgrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek Hale is the bad boy of Beacon Hills everyone wants their kids to stay away from so obviously Stiles Stilinski talks back to him. Derek remembers Stiles from years ago, before the fire, and now the kid gets under his skin. Derek's already dealing with a lifetime of angst, and he knows giving in to his feelings means certain pain. Especially when Stiles gets sick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I remember you

**Author's Note:**

> Since I was aching to do a sick!Stiles story and everyone thought this wouldn't go well with Leaving You Behind, here's the new fic I'm now writing. This is unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine, feel free to let me know what you like and don't like. Actually please do it. I live on comments, so. I hope this one is as good as the last one. Also, title is likely to change.
> 
> *** - Paragraph breaks  
> ***** - Flashbacks

 

“Hey Scott you want the orange one or the red one?”

“I want the _Fruit Punch_ , Stiles.”

“Wait, what color is that? That’s red, right?”

“Yes, Stiles that’s red.”

“Woah, what’s with the eye rolling dude?”

“Stiles they are flavours. What are you four, learning colors in elementary school?”

“Okay you need to stop obsessing over the effing Gatorade flavours. It’s a just drink, calm your tits.”

“Then learn the flavours!”

“Have you been talking to Jackson? ‘Cuz you sound like him.”

“What? No.”

“Dude’s paranoid about juice. He asked me where I was getting my juice.”

“What?”

“Scott, pay attention. I said Jackson came up to me in lunch and asked me, ‘Stilinski, where are you getting your juice?’ And I was like ‘Uh, from the lunch lady like everyone else.’”

“He asked me too, the other day when I scored four goals in practice.”

Oh. _Oh._

“He didn’t mean juice, he meant _juice._ He thinks we’re using.”

“Using? Using what?”

“What do you think, Scott?”

“This is a really weird conversation. I don’t understand.”

“Just, just forget it…”

“But Stiles, what are you—“

“Um, excuse me. That’s mine.”

Scott looked up to see Stiles glaring at someone with narrowed eyes and pursed lips, his patented ‘I’m-so-done-with-your-bullshit-please-drop-dead’ look. From where he was standing behind the open door of the fridge, Scott couldn’t see who the other person was.

“Well, now it’s mine.”

Scott knew that voice. That was—

“Stiles.” He hissed but Stiles didn’t so much as look in his direction.

“Scott, hold on a second.”

Oh god. Why didn’t Stiles have even an iota of self-preservation instinct in him? Just a little bit, was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was, because Stiles was standing near the counter arguing with Derek Hale over a bottle of Gatorade.

“This is mine. I picked it up, go find yourself another one if you want it so bad.”

Stiles was so not up for this bullshit after seven hours of torture at school. He hadn’t taken his Adderall today and standing here arguing instead of being home in front of the TV beating Scott at COD, was just the limit of his patience. Scott was practically hiding behind the open fridge door and wildly gesturing for him to shut up. He was cutting across his throat with his hand and mouthing _Derek Hale_ at him as if Stiles didn’t know who this was.

“Kid, back off.”

“You back off. Who do you think you are coming in here and snatching that from my hand? Give it back.”

He was looking at Stiles like he had just asked him to dance in a tutu. Stiles knew that glare, he remembered it. From years ago, before everything had gone to shit. From way back when Derek Hale wasn’t the resident bad-boy of Beacon Hills but the only son of the most important family in town, The Hales. Stiles remembered it like it was yesterday but from the looks of confusion and frustration on Hale’s face, he didn’t.

While he was busy staring and conversing with his eyebrows, Stiles reached up and grabbed the bottle back from Derek’s grip. He may be the guy the whole town feared, but no one got away with stealing from Stiles Stilinski.

“Are you out of your mind kid?”

That was Isaac Lahey, one of Hale’s lackeys. Who was in high-school. With Scott and Stiles.

“Did you just call me ‘kid’? Lahey, you’re seventeen. I’m going to be eighteen next month.”

He looked back with a mixture of confusion, misplaced anger and a bit of a pout.

“What’s the problem? Having trouble with basic math?”

“Shut up, Stilinski.”

“Yeah whatever. Hey, Mrs. H. can you ring this up for me? Scott, you got everything?”

Scott came out from where he was still hiding inside the fridge with a can of coke in hand. He looked over ashamedly as everyone at the counter turned to look at him. As he stepped closer, Stiles noticed that his face was red verging on blue, and his hair and eyebrows were kind of frozen. Only Scott - only he would hide himself inside a fridge and die of pneumonia.

“Get enough cool air?” Stiles snorted as Scott looked at him with a murderous glare. Except Scott couldn’t do glares. He could only do puppy eyes.

“Let’s just go.”

“Yeah, yeah. Do you have anything?”

“Just this.” Stiles took the can from Scott and put it on the counter away from Hale’s reach.

He noticed and huffed a laugh.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Hale muttered as he saw Stiles stepping closer to the counter, essentially standing between his things on the counter and Hale.

“Excuse me?” Oh god, a little bit of self-preservation any time now would be great, Scott thought to himself as he saw Stiles looking at Derek Hale with raised eyebrows expecting an answer. Derek looked back at him like he had just sprouted a second head. In all fairness, even he was looking at Stiles like that. Sure, Stiles was his best friend and he loved him like a brother but there were days when he wanted to kill Stiles. Days like this.

“Stiles, let’s just go.”

He was just about to make a snarky comeback to Derek Hale’s muttered comment, when—

“Your total is 12.25.”

“Here you go, thanks Mrs. H.”

“You’re welcome. See you later, Stiles.”

“See ya.”

He turned with the bag in his left hand, pocketing his change with the right and almost ran into Derek Hale. Who was looking at him with a blank face and didn’t make a move to step out of his way. Stiles was going to step aside and walk away, in fact that’s what he should be doing right now except he was standing there looking back at Derek Hale.

It was quite a bit of effort to tear his eyes away from the green ones that were boring into his with keen intensity. Stiles wasn’t sure what had just happened but he felt warmer as he stepped out of Hale’s way and walked out the store. Scott was standing there glaring at him.

“What?”

He shook his head disapprovingly. Just like his dad did every time Stiles did something he thought was a good idea but everyone else didn’t.

“Scott, what?”

“You couldn’t shut up, could you?”

“He was stealing my Gatorade.”

“So? You could’ve gotten another one.”

“There was only one blue left.”

“Oh my god, it’s not _blue._ It’s Frost Glacier Freeze. And so what? It was just a drink, remember?”

“Yeah well he stole it from my hand.”

“’He’ is Derek Hale. Not some seven year old kid. Your dad will have a coronary if he heard you were mouthing off at Derek Hale.”

“Yeah well he’s not going to hear, is he?”

“No, he’s not.” Scott grumbled and followed as Stiles started to walk away with the _blue_ bottle of Gatorade between his lips, as he drank greedily from it and drenched the front of his shirt in his clumsiness.

“Stiles, you’re spilling.”

He smirked just before gulping down the drink his mouth was full of and was about to make a shitty sex joke but Scott beat him to it.

“Shut up, don’t make another joke about your dick please. I’ve had enough to last a lifetime.”

“Oh please my sense of humour is—“

“Legendary. Sensational, ingenious. I know. But just shut up.”

“I listened to you describing Allison’s eyelashes through four study periods. You can listen to my jokes.”

“But they’re so long and beautiful and they curve upward just at the—“

“That’s what she said.”

“Oh my god. Stiles! I did not need to know that about your...”

“Well now you do. And you won’t talk about Allison’s eyelashes anymore. Or I’ll bring this up again.”

Scott groaned at him and Stiles thought that was a groan of annoyance and desperation which for him translated into never having to hear a glassy-eyed Scott talking about Allison’s long and luscious eyelashes. That’s one body part down, half a million to go.

***

Inside the store, Derek Hale stood at the glass display looking out at the gangly, pale kid who had looked him in the eye and been the first one to really talk back to him in months.

He remembered this kid.

Stiles Stilinksi.

He’d always remember this kid.

He had known him and it may have been years ago, it may feel like another lifetime, but he’d always remember him. It was hard to forget someone like that. And even now, he knew how to make his presence known. Derek may not have crossed paths with him in a while but just this one encounter brought back things, memories he’d been burying under threats and a stone-cold exterior for years.

Just before he turned around, Stiles glanced back towards the shop and for the briefest moment their eyes met.

And he came undone. All those years of trying to forget the painful times of his life and this kid gives him one look and Derek Hale’s done for.

*****

He slipped out of the house once he knew his father was asleep on the couch in front of the TV while the game was still on. Stiles knew he shouldn’t be going out. It was late, it was school-night and his dad would ground him forever if he found out but Stiles knew he didn’t really have a choice.

He slowly closed the door behind him and made his way to the backyard through the driveway and jumped over the fence. As he walked away from the house and into the woods, he looked back at the lights on in the kitchen but he didn’t stop. He kept going.

Stiles stopped when he reached the small clearing in the woods, where a dark figure was sitting on a huge rock looking out over the valley below.

“Derek”

The figure turned and Stiles could see a side of the person’s face in the dim light of the moon.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The person turned back around without a word, to face the valley beneath and Stile sat down beside him on the rock. They were almost touching but instead of flinching, the person leaned into the touch.

“Does your dad know you’re here?”

“Yeah, he said it was okay.”

“Liar.”

“Yeah okay, he doesn’t know but he’s sleeping so.”

“How many times have I told you not to lie to him?”

“I didn’t actually lie.” He mumbled but his dad was the farthest thing from his mind right now as he sniffed the air and smelled the familiar scent. Stench of whiskey reached his nose as a slow breeze blew through the November air. He recognized this scent because his dad stank of it lately. So did Derek.

“Are you drunk again?”

“What’s it to you?”

“I’m here in the middle of the night without my dad’s knowledge. What do you think it is to me?”

“You’re a smart-ass for a ten year old.”

“You’re a drunkard for a fifteen year old.”

“Sixteen.”

“You’re fifteen for another month.”

“You know, sometimes the urge to kill you is so strong. I don’t really know why I hold back.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Are you challenging me?”

Stiles tore his eyes away from the lights down below in Beacon Valley to look at Derek who was already looking at him. He saw a boy who had lost everything important to him. Like he had lost his way in life.

“Are you feeling better?”

Derek snapped his gaze away from him and sat there silently as Stiles searched his face for any sign of an answer. He never got an answer.

That was the last time he had talked to Derek Hale. That was eight years ago.

*****

 


	2. I'm here for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thanks everyone for commenting and the kudos. I think I've got this, or I'll get it half-way through but either way I'm finishing this. Just a heads-up, I plan to make it fluffy and angst-free for the first couple chapters and then BAM AGONY and PAIN. But we'll see.  
> Also, about the flashbacks. It might be confusing so here's how I see them: separate from the current situation and not dependent on who's POV that chapter is from unless otherwise stated. So they're just there to give an idea of how Stiles and Derek knew each other. That's all.  
> *** - paragraph breaks  
> ***** - Flashbacks

He got home to see his dad sitting at the dinner table with a plethora of files and papers and a half-empty bottle of Jack.

 

“Rough day, dad?”

 

“Huh? Oh, Stiles you’re home. Have fun at Scott’s?”

 

“Yeah we have this project we’re working on and then some games, the usual. What about you? Big case?”

 

Stiles asked as he took a seat at the table, subtly trying to look at the files.

 

“Put down the file, Stiles.”

 

Subtlety, thy name is certainly not Stiles.

 

“I’m just looking Dad.”

 

“You can’t ‘just look’, this is a federal case.”

 

“Federal case? Those bitches don’t come in unless it’s huge.” He realized his mistake as soon as the words were out but his dad was already looking at him with raised eyebrows.

 

“Big cats, I meant big cats.” 

 

Sure, creepy smile will help convince dad! But it did actually, his dad ducked his head and chuckled like he does when Stiles makes a fool of himself. He liked seeing his dad smile like that, laugh even sometimes. Even if it was a joke on his expense, at least his dad was happy for a moment. Stiles found his creepy smile turning into a genuine one of happiness and contentment.

 

“Very subtle, son.”

 

“I’m working on it. So anyway, what’s the case about? You can at least tell me that.” The Sheriff sighed because he knew his son wouldn’t give up till he gave him something. Damn detective genes.

 

“There’s been some robberies here and there. They seem random but there was a big one recently at the Mayor’s office. Looks like it’s all connected.”

 

“The Feds don’t come in sniffing unless there’s a serial killer or like bomb threat or something so why do they care about the hardware store being robbed.” 

 

“How do you know about the hardware store?”

 

“Uhh, you told me.”

 

“No, I didn’t.”

 

“You did, last night.”

 

“Stiles”

 

“I saw Deputy Thompson earlier, he mentioned it. Please don’t tell him you know, he made me promise I won’t tell you.”

 

“How many times have I told you not to go snooping around the station?”

 

“I didn’t. I saw him parked, out on the Preserve route.”

 

“What were you doing on the Preserve route?”

 

Oh god, shit. Fuck. Why didn’t he take his Adderall today? If he had, he’d be making excuses left right and centre and his dad wouldn’t even know. Now look at him, trying desperately not to get caught about planning to smoke pot in the Preserve. And why? Because he mentioned the Preserve himself. Smooth Stiles, really smooth.

 

“I told you about the project right? It’s about water sources so we went there to get a sample from the lake.”

 

There, that sounded plausible. Right?

 

“Just be careful when you go in there. Take Sam with you if you need to go again or whoever’s parked out there.”

 

“Yes, sir. So anyway, Mayor’s office got robbed?”

 

“Stiles you know I can’t tell you, it’s police business.”

 

“Yeah yeah okay.”

 

“Make me a drink would you?”

 

“Yeah, here you go.”

 

Stiles looked on with a nervous glint in his eye as his dad downed two full glasses.

 

“I’m going to the lowest circle of hell for this.” He muttered as his dad’s eyes started to droop and his hand worked slower.

 

“You say something?”

 

“No, no dad. You were saying about the robbery at the Mayor’s office?”

 

“Yeah terrible, terrible job. Why would someone raid the third floor when the accounts and lockers are on the second floor? I don’t get it.”

 

“What’s on the third floor?”

 

“Just conference rooms and lounges.”

 

“Huh.”

 

“And an old shitty closet that used to be the records room.”

 

“Records room? Do they still keep records there?”

 

“No, everything’s computerized now. It’s just a dingy, old room.”

 

“So they why do the Feds want to come sniff?”

 

“They think it’s all related. Two months ago the same thing happened in another town down south. Not far from here. And there was another one last year. They think there’s a connection.”

 

“Connection between what? What happened in those towns?”

 

“Meaningless robberies and then the main event.”

 

“What main event? Dad?”

 

“Unnnghh.”

 

“Dad?”

 

The Sheriff was already in a deep sleep with hardly a chance of getting up. So Stiles took it upon himself to find what his dad meant by ‘main event’.

 

Apparently, Dixie and another town called Woodlake had had a similar chain of events and then about a week later the Mayor and some other high-ranking Corporation officers from both towns quit.

 

Huh.

 

Blackmail?

 

“Stiles” He started as his dad’s voice broke him out of the trance he was in. His dad was looking at him with worried eyes, he really didn’t want to hear what was coming next. It was never pretty when his dad looked like this.

 

“Yeah dad?”

 

“Scott’s father is coming to town.”

 

See? It’s never pretty. 

 

“I told Melissa today but she wanted you to tell Scott.”

 

“I—“

 

“I think it’s better too if you talk about it with him.”

 

“I, uh yeah yeah okay. I’ll talk to him.”

 

“You’re a good son.”

 

“Lowest circle of hell.” He muttered as he got up from the table to go upstairs to his bedroom.

 

“Good night, Stiles.”

 

“ ’Night, dad.”

 

So now he just had to figure out a way to tell his best friend that his bastard dad was coming back to town as a Fed. His dad who had walked out on them when Scott was six. 

 

He got little sleep that night.

 

***

 

Derek stood outside the gas station waiting for Isaac to come out. He’d sent the boy in to buy him a blue Gatorade. The lady at Halloway’s ran out of blue ones and Derek liked only that flavor.

 

He wouldn’t have had to come all the way here to buy it if that kid hadn’t snatched the bottle from his hand. Why would he do that, anyway?

Everyone in town was scared of him. He had never given them any reason to be but they just were and then Derek had started liking it. Now, he took pleasure in his status as the town baddie. To see the intimidation and fear in people’s eyes when he so much as looked at them, it gave him power. Strength. A reason to wake up everyday.

 

So then why had a high-school kid looked him straight in the eye and more or less told him to go fuck himself?

 

Didn’t he feel intimidated by Derek? Wasn’t he scared of him? 

 

“Here” Isaac broke him out of his trance. 

 

“You look like you’re either deep thinking or taking a shit.”

 

Derek raised his eyebrow at him, that was usually enough to remind Isaac who was boss. In the two years that he had known Isaac, the kid had formed than an emotional bond with him. He treated Derek like his word was holy. He liked it, enjoyed having the respect of someone and not out of fear.

 

Derek had helped Isaac get away from his dad when he had caught the man beating his son to a bloody pulp in the Cemetery one night. Derek was there to see his family when he heard loud noises and had to get physical to save Isaac. He had driven him to the hospital and the people there had automatically assumed that Derek was the one who beat up Isaac.

 

So for helping a kid get away from an abusive parent, Derek had had to spend a night in a cell. The sheriff was a just man but even he couldn’t do anything till Isaac woke up and gave a statement. He remembered sitting in the cell thinking Isaac would never go against his abusive dad, so he might just have to spend a couple years in prison for helping a kid.

 

But Isaac had woken up the next day and given a statement about how Derek had helped him get away from a mugger. That got him out of the station and he vowed never to help someone else. Not if he ran the risk of being accused of hurting people just because the town didn’t like him.

 

Isaac started coming around to his loft after that, he started coming around after school and stayed till late. He started hanging out with Derek and everyone assumed that it was because the kid had developed an unhealthy Stockholm syndrome. Because, yes they still believed that Derek was the one who had beat up on the poor kid and the mugger was just a story Derek had forced Isaac to make up.

 

Derek had given up trying to be good for these people. He had given up justifying himself long ago so he could care less if they thought he was still hurting Isaac. Which he wasn’t, just for the record. He had to keep reminding himself that just because these people thought he was a violent lunatic and would just snap any second and mass-murder the whole town, didn’t mean that he was actually. 

 

So then Isaac’s dad had died in a mugging about a month after Isaac was attacked and then everyone suspected him of course. He was the town ‘mugger’ for quite a while there. But the Sheriff had been very thorough in his investigation and despite town people protesting that Derek was out and not detained, Sheriff had told everyone there wasn’t enough evidence and he wouldn’t detain an innocent man till he found any.

 

And thank all deites, Derek was in New York on the day of the mugging and his lawyer could prove it otherwise he’d be in prison right now. They never found any evidence so it wasn’t a long-shot to say that there were still people who thought it might have been him.

 

But somehow they had gotten past the ‘number one suspect for murder’ stage. Actually, he now remembered seeing Stiles at the time of the investigation. He hadn’t realized before but now he could see it, the goofy kid he’d seen at the Station during one of the interview sessions. The only one who hadn’t looked at him with accusation in his eyes. He remembered it, now. 

 

“Derek, tell me you’re not taking a shit.”

 

“Get in the car.”

 

He started driving toward the loft as his mind wandered back to Stiles. That night at the station years ago, just for the briefest second their eyes had met and in that one second Derek could see that Stiles had looked at him with a curious look. Curious but not even a bit judging. Not even a hint of fear.

 

“Do you know that boy from the Halloway’s?”

 

“Who? Stiles? Yeah, I have Chemistry with him. Why?”

 

“He seemed very…” 

 

“Yeah, he has a bit of a mouth filter problem.”

 

“Mouth-filter?”

 

“He told the coach his brain-to-mouth filter didn’t work well. He keeps arguing with everyone.”

 

“He plays Lacrosse?”

 

“Yeah, he’s not first-string yet but he plays well. Coach said he might make first-string this year.”

 

Really? Someone like Stiles could be first string? Derek didn’t doubt it because of ability because it might have been years ago but he still remembered Stiles and even back then he was someone who got what he wanted if only by sheer effort and determination. He was surprised because the flailing and unco-ordination that Derek had assumed Stiles would outgrow was still very much a part of his seventeen-year old self. How could someone who couldn’t even walk unhurt play lacrosse?

 

“What about the other boy?"

 

“Scott, he’s Stiles’ best friend. They are always together.” 

 

Derek was too caught up in his thoughts to catch the disappointment coming off in waves off Isaac when he talked about Scott.  
He was thinking about eight years ago, when he knew Stiles. He remembered Scott was Stiles’ friend back then too. He remembered Stiles talking about that kid all the time back then too. So they had remained friends all this time then. Okay.

 

“You okay?”

 

“What? Yeah, I’m okay.”

 

He did not think about Stiles that night. He certainly did not think about Stiles all the time after that day for the next three days. He didn’t.

 

***

 

Stiles drove to school worrying about telling Scott. And the moment he saw him waiting outside the door for him, he felt a dull pain in his stomach. 

 

His body was great, okay? It knew when Stiles was about to get in trouble and without his conscious thinking, it made up a disease. In mild cases, his neck and face became red like fire engine red to warn people off him. In slightly extreme cases, he started sweating and some part of his body started hurting, usually his stomach. And in extremely extreme cases, he had panic attacks on a scale of Mild to Intense. 

 

So anyway, his stomach was hurting now but he decided to man up and just tell Scott so he made his way over. As they walked to their lockers, Stiles was chewing on his nails and was about to ask Scott to go with him to the library so they could talk. But then Allison walked up to Scott and there goes that conversation. 

Stiles resigned himself to silence for the rest of the day. He felt miserable keeping this to himself and even more so when he saw Scott being his usual oblivious, happy self. Stiles knew he had to tell Scott and that it would crush him but he had no other option. So after torturing himself for the whole day, Stiles told Scott to come over to his place. 

 

On the way over as Scott sat looking out the window and tapping his fingers to the music coming off the radio, Stiles was still chewing on his nails and frowning. He felt like he was a predator luring prey into his den with a false sense of security. And then when Scott least expects it, he will pounce. Stiles winced as he thought about the analogy he was using. Scott looked over at him with a confused expression on his face but the growl of an engine from Scott’s side of the jeep startled them both into attention.

 

Scott was now waving at someone and smiling happily. Stiles sat forward to see Isaac Lahey waving back looking like even more of a puppy that Scott did. Stiles frowned. But then his eyes landed on Derek Hale who was looking straight at him.

 

Stiles’ eyes widened when he realized that Derek was looking at him. He squeeked a bit and sat back down so Derek couldn’t see him anymore beyond Scott. But the damn light wouldn’t change and freaking Scott moved about so Stiles had to shift and when his eyes swept across and into the other car, he found Derek still looking at him.

 

What was his problem? Why did he have to stare at Stiles? 

 

The loud growl of the engine made him look over once more as Derek put on a pair of aviators and with a positively predatory grin, he took off. The car left a thunderous skid of tires and dust behind it. 

 

“Stiles, the light’s green. Go.”

 

“What? Oh yeah.”

 

For just a moment there, he had forgotten about Scott. But now as his brain came away from thoughts of Derek, he remembered Scott and the terrible news he was about to deliver to him.

 

He was worried sick but he still couldn’t help thinking of Derek over and over. So he had been thinking about him since last night, but that was just because he hadn’t talked to him for years before yesterday. No other reason. And then today he saw him again in his sleek, black Camaro that he had only seen around town and in theory known that it belonged to someone he had once known.

 

But today he was looking at Derek while he was in the car and looking back at Stiles. This was different. His predatory smile was stuck in Stiles’ head. But the thing is he wasn’t scared, no it was odd thrill he felt when his mind went back to how dangerous Derek had looked. And the truly baffling part was how calm it made Stiles feel.

 

He had been worried all day to tell Scott about his dad, he had almost chewed his fingers off and one look from Derek Hale had him calming down – slow heart, easy breath and all. It was like Derek had told his heart to slow the fuck down and his heart obliged.  
It never obliged when Stiles told it to slow down. Apparently even internal organs weren’t above shallow panting after beautiful people.

 

“Stiles?”

 

“Yeah buddy?”

 

“What’s up with you? I just asked you if you wanted pizza?”

 

“What’s wrong with you? Of course I want pizza? When have I ever said no to pizza?”

 

“Point.”

 

“But hey, Scott I need to talk to you about something first.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Listen buddy, you wanna sit down?”

 

“No, Stiles I don’t wanna sit down. What’s wrong you’re scaring me.”

 

“Oh god, okay. So right I’m just gonna say this. You know the robbery at the hardware store and the Mayor’s office? Turns out they’re related. Dad told me it’s a federal case. And uh, your uh your dad’s coming to town.”

 

Silence.

 

“Scott?”

 

No answer.

 

“Scott buddy, you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I uh. Does my mom know?”

 

“Yeah, my dad told her. She wanted me to tell you.”

 

“Stiles?”

 

“Yeah buddy?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“What for?”

 

“Just, is this why you’ve been sweating all day?”

 

“What? I’m not—“

 

“Go take a shower, you’re gross.”

 

“You’re gross.” Stiles mumbled as he smelled his hoodie and yes he was smelling pretty bad.

 

“Scott, you’re okay right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just, need a second. And Stiles, don’t worry I’ll be fine.”

 

“Okay, I’ll go take a shower. You order the pizza.”

 

“ ’kay.”

 

Stiles made his way up the stairs and when he stopped on the top step and turned around to check on Scott, he was already flipping through the channels on the tv. Turns out, he’ll be fine. Stiles and his dad were just worrying about nothing. Scott turned to look at him and smiled. Things were okay.

 

Okay, not entirely. While he was scrubbing himself red, his mind wandered off to earlier. Stiles tried to think about other things like lacrosse but for some reason his stupid brain kept on playing the fifteen seconds of interaction with Derek today, on a continuous loop. Those stupid aviators and that stupid stubble and that stupid grin, that’s all he could think about. Why did he have no control on his body whatsoever?

 

*****

 

“Did you have dinner yet?”

 

“I told you not to come on school nights.”

 

“It’s okay, I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

 

“Not taking your meds?”

 

“I am taking them, I just couldn’t sleep. Now, stop deflecting and answer my question.”

 

“‘Deflecting’, that’s a big word for a ten year old.”

 

“Will you just tell me already?”

 

“Yeah I had dinner, why?”

 

“I was just going to say how about we go to Joe’s diner.”

 

“Stiles, have you eaten?”

 

“I did I’m just hungry again.”

 

“What did you have?”

 

“Food.”

 

“Stiles”

 

“No, okay. I haven’t eaten. I just, I didn’t want to eat alone.”

 

“Where’s the Sheriff?”

 

“He’s on a convention for two days.”

 

“Did you eat all day?”

 

“Yeah, I had cereal.”

 

“And?”

 

“And what?”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me, you could’ve come over. Mom made lasagna.”

 

He didn’t say anything to that because he had nothing to say to that. What could he possibly say?

 

“Stiles?”

 

Tears spilled out of his eyes and blurred his vision. He felt hands on his wet face but he didn’t open his eyes. 

 

“What happened?”

 

“My mom, she…”

 

He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and pull him a little into hot, seething warmth that was a contrast to the chilling air blowing across his face.

 

Derek didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask him anything and he didn’t look at him with pity like other people did when he talked about his mom. She had died about a year ago but he and his dad had still not gotten used to it. They still sometimes forgot that she wasn’t there anymore and started talking to her only to stop mid-sentence and realize that she was gone.

 

Derek never looked at him pitifully or tell him that she was in a better place. He just listened to whatever Stiles had to say. Him just being there made Stiles forget some of the pain. Now, as he held him close to himself, Stiles thought about how his mom used to hold him in her lap on the couch, all wrapped up in blankets while watching scary movies. 

 

“She always made us eat dinner together and now she’s gone and my dad’s always sad. The doctor said he has a weak heart, what if he--. I can’t lose both parents, Derek. I can’t.”

 

“You won’t. It’s okay, you won’t I promise. We’ll just make your dad eat healthy food. My dad has a heart problem too, he told me years ago and he’s fine. You just have to make him eat lots of vegetables and less junk food. That’s all.”

 

“I can’t lose him too, Der.”

 

“Hey, hey you won’t. My dad’s fine isn’t he? He’ll be fine too.”

 

“I’m sorry I’m being such a baby. I just, I miss her. And I didn’t want to be alone at home.”

 

“You’ve got me, it’s okay. So you want lasagna or burger and curly fries?”

 

Stiles just looked at him with what he hoped was an angry look.

 

“No, you’re right. Sorry, shouldn’t have asked. Curly fries it is. C’mon let’s go.”

 

Derek sat across the table from him and talked about his new cousin. His uncle Peter and aunt Sarah had just had a new baby and Derek told him how she never shut up and the whole house was getting used to the new sounds. Derek just sat there looking at him while he ate. He sounded so happy when he talked about the new baby and how he was going to teach her everything. His happiness rubbed off on Stiles. His smile was contagious, Stiles was laughing with him and at him. 

 

By the time he finished eating, Stiles didn’t even remember that he was sad. Derek had made him forget it just by being there. Stiles thought how lucky he was to have friends like Derek who could make him forget his pain so fast. Scott wasn’t in town or else he would’ve helped too. 

 

Derek walked him home and stayed there watching a movie till Stiles fell asleep on the couch. He woke up hours later buried under blankets with all the lights off. Derek wasn’t there anymore, he had left while Stiles was sleeping.

 

He should get up and go upstairs to sleep in his bed but he was so warm and comfortable here on the couch with all the blankets and pillows that Derek had set around him. Ever since he was a kid, he had learnt to associate warmth with care and affection and love. As he laid back down in his little cave of blankets and warmth, he realized that even if his mother was no longer there, he still had many people who loved him.

 

*****

 

Derek turned the car off as Isaac picked up his lacrosse gear and bag to go in. But Derek found himself unable to move, he sat there for god knows how long while his stubborn heart refused to slow down and his brain kept going back to Stiles. How flushed he had looked when he saw Derek in the car today. How he looked like a fish with his mouth open, exactly how he used to look as a kid.

 

He used to look at Derek like that, with a look of amazement and disbelief in his eyes. Like Derek was the coolest person, which he was back then. But now, the only looks he got from people were of fear and judgement. It had been a long time since someone had looked at him in awe.

 

Isaac did but that was more of a younger brother looking up to his cool, older brother. There was something different in how Stiles looked at him. There was desire there. Perhaps. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

 

Was it?

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how was that? Any good? Hit me up!


	3. Silent Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is a bit short and angsty and I'm uploading the next one really soon but the next verse just didn't fit in with the mood of this chapter so it's a separate chapter. Anyway, enjoy!

So Scott had taken the news of his father coming to town way, way better than Stiles had expected. Even if he was literally within five yards of Allison at all times, he was doing fine. Stiles felt a little sad and maybe a bit left out that his best friend leaned on his girlfriend for comfort when for years it had been Scott and Stiles against the world. He felt a little pang of guilt and jealousy course through him when he saw Scott wrapped up in Allison inside and even outside school. Because that used to be him, Scott leaned on him whenever it got bad. Whether it was his mom or missing his dad or even so much as a bruise on his arm from one of their stupid pranks, it was Stiles that Scott leaned on. It was Stiles that Scott burdened with his problems and his stupid concerns and his puppy eyes. But it wasn’t anymore.

 

Stiles resented himself for thinking like that, he should be happy that his brother-from-another-mother had found someone. He was happy. He was.

 

But Scott being so wrapped up in Allison meant he was missing a partner-in-crime. For the first day, he looked around school and weighed his options.

 

Danny? He had always been the outlier, the ‘nice’ jock. Even if he was Jackson’s best friend, Danny was possibly the nicest guy around. He liked Stiles but not too much. He joked around with him and they had sort of a ‘friendship’ but Scott and Stiles had always been the dream-team and that meant Danny was kept out of the loop for most of their pranks and this, he did not like. Danny was the go-to guy, he knew how to summon technology and make it do what he wanted. So he was a regular if not a constant star of their pranks and he did not like being left out and not told the details. Which was why he didn’t particularly like Stiles these days. So, no Danny.

 

Erica? She and Stiles used to be friends as kids but then she became distant and Scott took over and their trio became more of a ‘Scotty and Stiles, for life’ deal. Just last year, Stiles had reached out to her again and she had confessed that for a better part of five years, she had a crush on Stiles. Not now, now she was crushing majorly on the surly, quiet Boyd. So confessions aside, they had started talking again and on an odd day even sat together at lunch. Then, she had gone and become a part of Derek Hale’s clique-‘I don’t have a clique, Stiles’. Now, they hardly talked because Isaac Lahey was always with her and she too had been transformed into a ‘leather-clad, blonde bombshell’ not unlike Lahey. It was as if there was a requirement to hanging out with Hale- you have to be hot. So, yeah the bromance between him and Erica hadn’t lasted all that long.

 

Jackson? Over Stiles’ dead body. Actually, no. Not even then.

 

Lydia? She had been the object of Stiles’ everything for over a decade. Stiles could describe her better than her parents could(don’t ask.) He had admired her from a distance, worshipped her and then last year things had spiraled out of control and now Lydia knew that Stiles existed. He was on her radar, finally. Well, as long as Jackson wasn’t within ten feet of them. Then he totally vaporized. And here was Jackson walking beside Lydia right now so of course Stiles was invisible.

 

All the time that he had between classes was spent making charts about the robbery and trying to understand what was happening. He saw Scott once during the whole day and that was when he was making out with Allison against his death-trap of a bike. After school, Stiles decided to just go home and text Scott to see if he wanted to meet up. No use trying to wait for him at school. 

 

All the way to his jeep, he kept telling himself ‘It’s okay, at least he’s coping. Without you, but he’s still coping.’

 

He started driving towards home, repeating the same thing over and over in his head. He thought back to the time when Scott’s father had left. 

 

*****

 

Stiles was already in bed when his dad had come in and slightly shook him awake. 

 

“Stiles”

 

“Yes dad?” He was groggy and rubbing his sleepy eyes. Still not able to fully comprehend what was happening. It was still dark out and his dad was in his pajamas.

 

“Son, can you come down for a second? Scott and his mom are downstairs.”

 

That had gotten his attention, it was late at night and his dad looked like he had been woken up. He knew from experience that being woken up in the middle of the night meant something was wrong.

 

“Dad, is he okay? Did something happen?”

 

His dad sat down next to him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

 

“Son, Scott’s dad, he left. He, uh got a job somewhere else and he decided to leave. So Scott and his mom need our help. Scott needs a friend right now, will you help him?”

 

Stiles looked at his dad and saw how worried and tense he looked. Stiles knew that Scott’s dad was probably never coming back, he was just a kid but Stiles knew many grown-up things. And he knew that Scott would probably not realize this and that he would wait for his dad but Stiles knew he was never coming back. 

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay then, put on your shoes and come downstairs.”

 

“ ‘Kay.”

 

When he came down the stairs, the sight that greeted him was Scott sitting in his dad’s lap and his mom was sobbing gently while Claudia Stilinski held on to her. The moment Stiles stepped down from the stairs and made his way over, Scott broke free of the Sheriff’s hold and ran over to Stiles. He threw himself at Stiles who reeled back from the impact but he held on. He held on to his friend, he held on for dear life. 

 

Scott kept close and clutched to Stiles even as they made their way to the couch. Stiles’ dad was making tea for everyone while their mothers were both seated at the kitchen table, holding hands and talking quietly enough that they couldn’t hear. Stiles cleared his throat to make sure his voice didn’t break from all the tears that were silently falling from his eyes as his best friend sobbed next to him.

 

“Scott buddy, do you want to go up to my room? We could lie down?” He asked softly while his hand gently caressed Scott’s arm that was wrapped around Stiles’ chest. 

 

Scott nodded his head but didn’t speak a word. 

 

“Dad, we’re going up to my room. Is that okay?”

 

His dad turned around from where he was pouring tea into cups and looked over to his wife.

 

“If you and Scott don’t want any tea, then sure.”

 

Stiles looked down at Scott from where his head was cushioned on Stiles’ chest and he shook his head no. 

 

“We’re going up.”

 

Stiles sat up a little and waited for Scott to move. He didn’t say anything while Scott slowly disentangled himself from Stiles and walked over to his mom to kiss her on the cheek. Then he walked back to Stiles and silently followed him up the stairs.

 

Stiles went to his room and sat down in the bed, holding up the sheets for Scott to get in. Scott slid in next to him and nestled himself around Stiles. 

 

Stiles sat with his back against the headboard and he held his best friend while Scott cried for hours before he fell asleep like that, exhausted from crying in Stiles’ arms.

 

*****

 

As he was busy thinking about Scott and how he'd been broken by his dad's decision years ago, a sound he'd come to loathe broke his line of thought. It was the sound of his car tank and his wallet being wrenched empty. His dad had insisted he get a new 'thing' installed that let him know when he was low on gas after the seventeenth time he had been stranded on the street with no gas. He hated that sound, because it meant going out of his way towards home to make a trip to the gas station and shell out hard earned money for gas. 

 

He liked being stranded even less so with a pout he turned around and drove toward the gas station. Still thinking about how Allison was now what Stiles had been for Scott for years, Stiles turned off the road and into the station. That’s when he saw the all-too-familiar black Camaro parked in front of one of the meters and it was too late to back out now. Because Derek Hale was looking right at him.

 

Stiles looked away instantly and rolled his jeep to a stop. He didn't acknowledge Hale in any way and didn't make a move to get out either. Stiles knew he looked stupid, sitting there in his jeep with his hands on the steering looking straight ahead at the huge billboard. He could feel eyes on him and he knew that if he turned a little, he'd see Derek looking at him but he didn't. He didn't move a muscle even though he knew he didn't have black windows that could hide him and he knew that Derek knew Stiles had seen him. But he didn't move, until what felt like hours the Camaro skidded out of the station and left a deafening silence behind. 

 

Then, Stiles moved his head to look around where Derek had just been standing. He removed his hands from the steering wheel and wiped them on his thighs. It took him a second to move and get out of the car. As he unsurely made his way to the meter, he thought about what had just unfolded. Why had he sat inside his jeep actively avoiding Derek Hale? If this had happened a week ago, he wouldn't have bothered to care. Derek Hale wouldn't have bothered to look at him. He wouldn't have bothered to keep looking till he drove away. 

 

So why did he bother now? Why did Derek Hale give a fuck if Stiles was at the gas station sitting in his car avoiding him? Why did Stiles care that Derek was at the station and was hiding-it's not hiding if he can see you-in his car?

 

***

 

Derek stood glaring at the meter as if it would make it go any faster. It didn't. As the tank slowly filled up, the sound of another car pulling into the station made him look around. It wasn't the fact that another car was coming that made him turn, it was the fact that it sounded like the rattling sound of an old car that he recognized from somewhere but didn't know where. 

 

When he saw Stiles Stilinski pulling into the lane to him, he remembered. Stiles' mother used to drive that old thing. Something broke loose in him at the sight of the boy, like something had been wound tight inside him for days and now looking at Stiles, it became undone. Derek knew he was coming off as a creeper but that didn't stop him from looking, more like staring, at the boy.

 

Stiles looked at him, Derek knew that Stiles had seen him but then he turned his head and parked at the meter farthest away from where Derek was even though the one between them was free. Derek tried not to feel anything at that. He just stood there looking at Stiles' car, waiting for him to get out. He didn't know what he wanted or what he was going to do when Stiles came out but he stood there looking at Stiles and waiting for him to come out of the car. He didn’t.

 

Derek waited for a good while, but Stiles sat in his car and didn’t make a move to get out. He was looking straight ahead and from where he was standing, Derek could tell that he was making quite an effort to stay where he was. Stiles was one big mess of gangly limbs, he could never sit still for that long but right now he was. And all that effort just so he didn’t have to see Derek.

 

Was he that wretched that this boy didn’t even want to breathe the same air that he breathed? Was he that corrupt that Stiles didn’t even want to have to look at him? 

Somehow this rejection hurt more than being rejected by the whole town he’d grown up in.

 

He jerked the gas pump out and put it back in place before circling the car and slamming the car door behind him. One last look at Stiles, he was still sitting still and he drove out of there.

 

Something hurt, inside him, something hurt but he wasn’t sure what. Something felt crushed. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time.

 

***

 

Stiles threw his bag on the couch as he slammed the door behind him. His dad wasn’t coming home till the next morning and Scott wasn’t coming either according to his last four-word text. Apparently, he was having a ‘perfect time’ with Allison.

 

Looked like Stiles was going to be alone all night. Well, bummer. 

 

He began by fixing himself a very greasy, very unhealthy burger. With a huge mug of soda. 

 

He tried to distract himself with reading, but there wasn’t anything to read that he hadn’t already. He logged into his gaming accounts but half an hour in, he gave up. Porn wasn’t working for him tonight either.

 

Stiles knew there was too much on his mind for anything to distract him right now but he was nothing if not an insistent little shit. So, he tried browsing through the online sites he bought all his awesome tee-shirts from but unfortunately they were still unaffordable. 

Especially with the money he had just had to spend on gas.

 

At the gas station.

 

Where he saw Derek.

 

Dammit, brain.

 

He shut his laptop and looked out the window, it was dark out. So apparently he had spent hours on the internet looking at all sorts of crap he wanted to buy but would be able to afford only if he sold his firstborn. Probably not even then.

 

As he sat next to the window looking out, he thought back to earlier that day when he had seen Derek or more like unseen Derek.  
He knew why he had done it, he may not admit it but he knew. 

 

Actually, he had always known. That it all comes down to Derek Hale.

 

Even though he had spent years living in denial deeper than Dean Winchester. He had always known that the few minutes, hours sometimes he had spent talking to Derek when they were kids meant more than months and years he had spent chasing after Lydia. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself.

 

He had always known that even though they didn’t talk anymore, didn’t even acknowledge each other anymore. That Derek probably didn’t even remember him anymore. That even if he did, Stiles wouldn’t be anything more than a mousy kid who used to pester him a lifetime ago. Stiles had known that despite all that, he himself remembered. That he cherished those moments spent together. That he kept them hidden somewhere far away and thought of them only when it got too hard to live, to breathe. Just like the memories of his mother.

 

Yes, he did know. And it scared him. 

 

Because Derek would never think like that. Stiles knew him, Derek wasn’t one to repeat the same mistakes again. And the fire had not just burned his house, his family- it had also burned Derek Hale. 

 

Stiles knew that Derek blamed himself for the fire even though it wasn’t his fault that Kate Argent was a psychotic bitch. He knew that Derek lived each breathing moment in guilt and that this guilt would keep him from ever letting himself feel.

 

Feel anything really, even the littlest bit of affection. And what Stiles felt wasn’t a handful of affection, it was a lifetime of love.

 

And he also knew that Derek would never reciprocate it. On the off-chance that he did, it scared Stiles to think that he might end up hurting Derek. And he couldn’t bear the thought of that.

 

He will never be the reason for Derek’s pain. He wouldn’t. 

 

And that is why he only thought about this hidden part of himself once in a blue moon. Because it hurt to think about something he wanted so badly and yet not enough. 

 

Never enough to risk hurting Derek.

 

Derek wouldn’t survive this time.

 

Stiles wouldn’t either.

 

***


	4. You're hot then you're cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter, like promised. This one is much longer too. I'm going to need y'all to tell me what you think. Enjoy!

The next time Stiles sees him it’s a pattern broken because he never expected Derek Hale to talk to him. 

 

Stiles decided to go to the Halloway’s store after school to buy himself a bag of chips and a bottle of soda or Gatorade god forbid. He checked the parking for suspicious, black Camaros but found none and so proceeded to park. But only after entering the store did he realize that Derek and Isaac were both in the store. 

 

Just as he picked up a pack of some cheesy snack from the closest shelf, he heard Isaac’s hushed voice. Stiles couldn’t hear what he was saying but he could very well make out that he was protesting to something, albeit futily because the next thing he knew, Isaac walked out of the store. Stomped out might be a better description. 

 

Stiles subtly turned around from the counter to see Derek standing where Scott was standing that first day they’d met. He was almost buried inside the fridge in a manner that would suggest that he was digging in to find something at the very back of the fridge or perhaps he was just digging in hopes of finding something that wasn’t there. (And in case you’re wondering about the subtle Victorian style language there, Stiles has been reading Jane Austen for school and it has rubbed off on him so.)

 

He turned back to the counter and called for Mrs. Halloway because if he didn’t go to the back of the shop to get his usual chips, he sure as hell wasn’t going to the fridge to get soda. So, random cheesy snack and soda from the gas station for tonight.

 

Mrs. Halloway made her way over at her usual snail pace and Stiles felt a bit guilty about wishing she would just get a move on. And all because he didn’t want another staring contest with Mr. Eye-daggers in a leather jacket and Fuck-you-all black jeans. 

 

Did it work? No.

 

Mrs. Halloway finally made it to the counter and smiled politely at him. Stiles beamed back and handed over the pack of chips(were they?) and moved to get his wallet out of his pocket. All his senses were focused on paying Mrs. Halloway soon so he could get out of there and didn’t have to face Derek and that’s why he didn’t notice. Or maybe because Derek Hale was just that good at doing this to people. This being sneaking up on unsuspecting innocent teenagers.

 

His hand was still in his back pocket retrieving his wallet when he felt a slight movement behind him and a millisecond later a rush of hot breath on his neck. His whole back lit up when Derek’s body brushed his for the briefest second and the warmth he felt along his whole back couldn’t possibly be from a second of touch and go contact.

 

Stiles froze on the spot, with his hand still in his pocket and then a hand shot out and placed a blue bottle of Gatorade on the counter. He couldn’t help but turn his head a little and the sight that greeted him was Derek Hale looking at him from his right. 

 

“Stiles.”

 

He couldn’t help the shudder he felt at that. This was the first word Derek had spoken to him in years-argument aside. His name, everyone said it like that and yet there was something about the way he said it. Stiles stopped himself though before he could go full-on anime mode and stutter out ‘Senpai’. 

 

Just, no.

 

It felt like minutes had passed since Derek had spoken but it’d just been a second or two and before he could tell Derek that he was in line first, the beautiful bastard slammed his hand on the counter and dropped a twenty and when Stiles looked up from the counter, ready to argue, he was gone.

 

Mrs. Halloway was looking at him warily but Stiles didn’t have a clue what had just happened either. 

 

“Uh, that’s, that covers you.”

 

“What?”

 

“You just have a pack of chips and a Gatorade, that twenty covers you.”

 

“Uh, I think the Gatorade was his.” Stiles pointed with his thumb outside because no way in hell was he referring to Derek by his first name in front of the biggest gossip in town.

 

“He had his bottle in his hand.” Mrs. Halloway said and looked at him peculiarly.

 

“Well that’s okay, here’s my money for my chips.”

 

He handed over a five rather forcibly. The last thing he wanted to do was accept Derek Hale’s money. He could definitely use some, but no.

 

“What about the Gatorade?” There was definitely amusement in her voice but Stiles just wanted to get out of here before he said or did something irreversible.

 

“I’ll take it.” Maybe he was just imagining it but Mrs. Halloway looked ecstatic, like she had found something valuable. Just please don’t let his dad hear about this. 

 

“Thanks, Mrs. H.”

 

He muttered and rushed out of the store before anything else gossip-worthy happened.

 

***

 

Derek was buried nose-deep in the fridge looking for a bottle of Gatorade. Just one, he’d been running all day in the Preserve and needed some hydration. Why couldn’t this woman keep her fridge stocked like a normal corner store? He really didn’t want to go to the gas station again. 

 

When the door opened, Derek looked up through the glass door of the fridge and saw Stiles standing there. Isaac made a surprised noise from somewhere close and jerked on Derek’s jacket so he had to look over.

 

“You knew he was coming.” Isaac stage-whispered only his whispering was probably loud enough that Stiles could hear it.

 

“No. I didn’t.”

 

Okay, so he wasn’t sure if he had planned this spontaneous meet or not. He needed hydration after the running, yes. The only place on the way back from picking up Isaac from school was Mrs. Halloway’s, yes. He had parked his car on the street behind the store, yes. He was aware that Stiles may come in, yes. He’s a masochist, yes.

 

So yeah, not sure if he had outright planned it or subconsciously known that he might run into Stiles or if this was pure chance. But now that they were both here, there were going to be words.

 

“Isaac, get out.”

 

“What?”

 

“Get out, go to the car.”

 

“But—“

 

“Go.”

 

He was making his lost-puppy-in-the-rain face but Derek was not giving in, not this time. After a couple more efforts of pouting and suspiciously wet eyes, he stomped out of the store like a four-year old who’s been told ‘No more candy’.

 

Derek looked down at his hand and realized that he’d found a blue Gatorade- ‘Glacier Freeze, my god Derek it’s a flavor’, he could hear Isaac in his head. He remembered the last time Stiles had fought him over the bottle like he was defending a maiden’s virtue from an evil Disney villain.

 

Stiles wasn’t looking at him anymore, in fact he was looking at the counter with so much concentration as if Mrs. Halloway would materialize if only he stared hard enough. Derek turned back into the fridge to look for another blue bottle. He didn’t find one and the old lady had already made her way to the counter so Derek had to hurry. He wasn’t letting go of another opportunity.

 

He hurried over to the counter where Stiles was hooking his hand into his back pocket looking for his wallet. Derek looked at his hand, from this angle he could see thin, long fingers wrapping around brown leather and the back of his neck dotted with moles and he wasn’t thinking when he pressed closer for just a second and felt Stiles arch his back slightly at the contact. His lips were so close to the pale skin and the random smattering of dots, he just had to dart his tongue out and he’d be touching. The electric current he felt shoot out to his toes and finger-tips at the thought pulled him back to reality. Reality where he didn’t have the right to touch.  
He moved away and placed the bottle on the counter. Stiles turned slightly to look at him and Derek was so busy staring at those beautiful amber eyes turning lighter in the sunlight slanting across his face that he didn’t even know when he spoke, “Stiles”.

 

He felt lighter after saying that, like the word had been a weight on his heart and his tongue that was now finally lifted. 

 

Stiles just looked at him and didn’t say anything but then again, he didn’t have to. It may have been a long time ago but Derek was still very fluent in Stilesian. 

 

Besides, his face was betraying any notion Stiles may have had about silence. His eyes darted all over Derek’s face for a brief second and his tongue wet his lips in what Derek knew to be an unconscious gesture of nerves. He could stand there and push his luck, force a reaction out of Stiles but he chose not to. 

 

Not when in the subtlest of ways Stiles had just told him what he’d wanted to know. 

 

Derek knew that he was gone on this boy.

 

Stiles had just told him that he wasn’t far behind.

 

***

 

Isaac glared at him with an epic bitch-face when he walked to the car. Derek wasn’t in the mood to argue or talk in general. He was in blissful satisfaction and he didn’t want it ruined but Isaac Lahey was the epitome of ‘I-will-speak-my-mind-especially-on-the-worst-possible-times’.

 

“You have got to be kidding me. You bought Pepsi? After freezing my balls off in that fridge for ten minutes, you bought Pepsi?”

 

He wasn’t going to answer but Isaac always had this way of making him talk, of making him say something to get him to shut up.

 

“I felt like it.”

 

“You don’t even like Pepsi.”

 

“Never said that.”

 

Isaac scoffed, he legitimately scoffed at Derek.

 

“Every time a delivery guy brings you Pepsi instead of Coke, you act just this side of legal. Remember that guy you made cry last year just because he said it was the same thing. No one wants to deliver at the loft anymore because you get all pissy if they get you Pepsi. You have to be shitting me.”

 

“Isaac, watch your language.”

 

He should’ve had a better comeback and he would have one too, only Stiles finally came out of the store. Derek couldn’t even grunt right now, if he wanted to.

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You’re making heart eyes at Stilinski. Of course, I should’ve known.”

 

“Get in the car.”

 

It took effort but Derek didn’t look in the rear-view mirror even once as he sped out of there. Now if only, his heart would calm the fuck down and Isaac would stop groaning next to him.

 

Then he dropped the bombshell.

 

“Does Laura know?”

 

The car swerved as Derek tried to stop his brain rushing through possible scenarios about what Isaac had just asked him.  
“She doesn’t, does she? That you’re lusting after a seventeen year old?”

 

“Eighteen.”

 

“Oh my god, you’re not just lusting are you? Is he that kid Laura talks about? The kid you used to hang out with before the, you know—‘

 

“Yes.”

 

Isaac didn’t say a word after that. He kept quiet all the way back to the loft and then threw himself on the couch and stared at the ceiling for a good half-hour before he spoke. Derek was in the kitchen making himself coffee because yes, he did hate Pepsi.

 

“Did you talk to him before last week?”

 

Derek looked up from the counter where he was stirring his mug of coffee with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Laura said you stopped talking to him after you guys went to New York. Did you talk to him after that?”

 

“The last time I saw him was the day I left for New York. When I came back next week, he tried to talk to me but I sent him back.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He was a kid, I wasn’t anymore.”

 

***

 

Stiles drove home in a daze trying to figure just what had happened back there. It was like the store was jinxed or something because every time he went there, he left with this uncertainty that he didn’t know where life was taking him. Stiles liked to be prepared, to plan ahead and Derek Hale was ruining his plans.

 

He spent hours staring at the unopened bottle, waiting for it to speak and tell him what it meant. The whole gesture of Derek’s.

 

But it didn’t. 

 

His dad found him like that, sitting on the couch staring at the bottle on the coffee table like it held answer to the meaning of all life and universe and the first thing he asked was,

“Stiles, why is there a blue bottle on the table and why are you staring at it?”

 

Stiles had ripped off the cover from the bottle because it got in the way. Now it was just a blank bottle of blue liquid.

 

“Sheriff.”

 

“Stiles? Are you drunk? Who got you the—“

 

“I’m not drunk dad, I’m just bethinking.”

 

“Bethinking? Did you take your medication today?”

 

“Yes, father.”

 

“Okay, have you eaten?”

 

“Yes, dear.”

 

“Well take your bethinking upstairs, you’re making me nervous.”

 

Stiles finally looked up from the bottle and glared at his dad who merely grinned at him and motioned upstairs with his hand.

 

“Very well, father.”

 

So he spent a good while bethinking his past and future and though he wasn’t as secure and certain as he had been that morning, he was fairly certain now. His life would be just fine if he stayed away from one Derek Hale.

 

***

 

The plan worked great for about fifteen hours. 

 

See, the ‘gas-needle thing’ his dad installed for him worked just for the gas unfortunately and it didn’t tell Stiles when the jeep would decide to break down in the middle of nowhere.

 

On his way back from a calming-drive in the valley, Stiles was drumming his fingers in rhythm to the song on the radio and to the light pattering of raindrops against the windshield. About fifteen minutes outside of town, the jeep made a very angry rattling noise and then slowed down to a creeping pace. Stiles somehow got it to the edge of the road and then sat there whispering sweet nothings to his baby. That didn’t work.

 

He tried dirty talking, didn’t work either.

 

After a good ten minutes of trying, he gave up. His phone was dead so he couldn’t call anyone for help either. Well, Stiles was an adamant little fucker so he pushed the door open with more force than was absolutely necessary and started walking down the street.

 

Within a minute, he was drenched and soaked down to his underwear. He kept his head down and kept walking as a couple of cars passed him by. Of course his car would break down on the least busy Interstate-highway in North America.

 

But he kept his head down and kept walking, not paying any mind to the occasional car passing him by.

Stiles didn’t look up until he heard the familiar sound of tires skidding and a wet screech. When he did look up through his dripping lashes, he saw a black car stopping and reversing toward him. It was now raining so heavily that even though he knew full well whose car that was, his brain wouldn’t let him believe because he hadn’t seen it properly enough.

 

All doubts blew to dust when the car skidded right next to him and the door opened. Stiles didn’t really have to look to know who’d be driving but when he did tilt his head, Derek Hale looked at him with widened eyes.

 

Stiles didn’t know if it was the cold numbness of his body or the warmth that had just settled in his chest and was now spreading and setting deep in his bones that made him freeze. 

 

“Stiles. Get in.”

 

Derek’s voice brought him back and he hurried into the warmth of the car. He didn’t dare look at Derek, his hands were now shaking and he was himself trembling from the cold. Derek didn’t start driving straight away, he was looking over and Stiles knew he was but he didn’t look up. Not again, he reminded himself. 

 

He wasn’t going to let himself be pulled into all this again. Stay away from Derek Hale, remember?

 

Derek pointed his thumb toward the seatbelt and Stiles got it on somehow. He then proceeded to crank the heat up all the way and finally he started driving. All the way to town, Derek kept looking over. Stealing glances and then unashamedly staring.

 

Stiles wasn’t sure why he was doing that, maybe concern because Stiles was still very much wet. But the problem was, Derek Hale doesn’t just look. He stares, he gazes and he does it so that it makes you feel bare. It makes you feel like the most desirable thing in the world, like the safest place in the world. 

 

And he was looking at Stiles like that right now. 

 

He finally breathed easy when they got back, Stiles couldn’t wait to get inside. Getting out of the wet clothes would be great but getting away from Derek’s lazing eyes was more important right now. Stiles was having trouble breathing and he sure as hell didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of Derek.

 

When he parked in front of the house, Derek turned off the engine and moved in his seat so now he was facing Stiles and there was no restraint in the way he was looking at him. Earlier while driving, Stiles had seen this hesitation in his looks, this stuttering in his actions but now it was all gone. And he knew he needed to get out of here before he did something he’d later regret.

 

But as he made a move to get out of the seat, the seat belt burned rough against his chest. With trembling hands, he tried to undo it but Stiles was merely coordinated at the best of times, with Derek staring at him unabashedly and unblinking, he couldn’t have spelled his own name let alone undo his seat belt. 

 

Derek reached over to undo it and his hand clasped on top of Stiles’. He couldn’t tell you if the hand felt cold or warm if you had a gun to his head because in that moment, he was focused solely on Derek’s eyes that were so much closer than he ever remembered them being. And they were still a kaleidoscopic puzzle with warm green and hazel and striking brown like he remembered from years ago. Derek’s breath ghosted on his cheeks that felt warmer than the heat in the car could make them. His hand moved the slightest bit over Stiles’ as he licked his lips and Stiles unconsciously was about to lean forward but before he knew what was happening, Derek pulled away and sat back in his seat. 

 

His seatbelt was undone and Derek was now facing the street, with his hands wrapped around the steering so harshly that his knuckles were white. Stiles ached to reach over and pull his hands away but he chose to listen to the .12% part of his brain that hadn’t short-circuited the moment Derek had touched him. He said a faint ‘Thanks’ and jumped out of the car.

 

His heart was trying to get out of his chest right now but he somehow made it inside the door without looking back. The second he shut the door behind him, he heard a loud screech of tires outside and when he looked through the peephole, Derek was gone.

 

***

 

As he sat there with the rain making a deafening noise against his car roof, Derek rubbed a hand down his face. What had he just done?

 

God, one more second and he would have lost all self-control. Why did Stiles make him feel like this? So out of control. From the moment Derek had seen the boy walking down the road drenched and trembling, Derek knew he was fucked. 

 

The twenty minutes that he had had to spend with Stiles in the car were the most infuriating, frustrating and yet the most intoxicating twenty minutes ever. Every second spent holding himself back and then when finally he allowed himself to touch, to feel he had been jerked back to reality.

 

To a reality where he hadn’t felt like this in years. Where he wasn’t allowed to feel like this. Where he didn’t give himself the right to feel.

 

But Stiles had changed all that. Derek sat there trying to bring his rabbiting pulse under control and found himself thinking about Stiles’ half-lidded eyes and his parted lips. He drove off in a hurry as soon as he heard the door shut.

 

That night as he laid in bed, Derek told himself that it was okay. It was okay to feel like this for someone. It was okay to feel like this for Stiles, because Stiles would never hurt him.

 

If there was someone he would take a bullet for, it was Stiles.

 

He fell asleep telling himself that feeling like this for Stiles was okay. It didn’t change anything because deep down, he had always loved Stiles. Once as a kid, now as someone who reminded him who he was. Who he used to be.

 

But nothing could prepare him for what was coming next.

 

***


	5. I knew you were trouble when you walked in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, it's an extra-long chapter though so read forth!

Derek wakes up to someone thrashing around the kitchen. Isaac.

 

“Can you not do that?”

 

“What? Make food? Someone has to do it.”

 

“What’s got you all pissy?”

 

“We’ve got a game tonight and three of our big players are out with flu. It means we’re going down.”

 

Derek looks back at him with a confused scowl on his face, it’s still early enough that the sun is low and Isaac is up and about and making noises with cups and plates and talking about Lacrosse. And on top of it all, he also expects Derek to understand all this gibberish. It’s too early in the morning for this.

“Your boyfriend gets to play. Oh god we’re getting burned tonight.” The last part was said in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

 

A carefully arched eyebrow had Isaac hissing and looking at him with his huge apologetic blue eyes.

 

“I didn’t mean, I meant we’re losing. Everyone who’s any good is sick.”

 

Derek was still trying to figure how he’d gotten involved in this whiny high-school drama conversation. He had woken up not three minutes ago and now he was discussing lacrosse like it was the world economy.

 

“You should come.”

 

That caught his attention.

 

“I mean, Stiles is playing.”

 

He didn’t say anything, just looked at Isaac silently.

 

“I’m playing too.”

 

In the two years that Derek had known Isaac, he had never exclusively asked Derek to come. There were hints and suggestive conversations between Isaac and Erica but never once had he been asked to come to the game directly.

 

“If you don’t have anything else.”

 

And that’s how he finds himself standing near the stands looking towards the field where sweaty teenagers pull on their helmets and make their way to the center.

 

He tells himself he’s here for Isaac and it’s got nothing to do with Stiles playing. 

 

***

 

Isaac drove to the game with Erica and they talked about how they were going down because Jackson was too much of a schmuck to get a flu shot like everyone else at the school. No, he was a Disney prince with a gold crown who couldn’t get a shot like everyone else.

 

‘Do something like normal people? No. ‘Tis beneath me.’

 

Freaking Jackson.

 

And then Greenburg had caught the bug and eventually four players had bowed out of tonight’s game. Four players. It was three this morning but because Danny and Jackson were freaking inseparable, now their goalie was out too.

 

Great. Just peachy.

 

Isaac was already irritated when Erica finally parked at the school and then Stilinski was having a shit-fest with McCall when he got to the locker room. He was freaking out badly and Scott was sitting with him in a corner and they were doing the weird breathing things people on tv do when they’re in a baby workshop or whatever they’re called. Like breathing together as a couple. 

 

“Breathe in and breathe out. In and out. Stiles, focus.”

 

Oh god could this day get any worse. 

 

Stiles wheezed out a labored breath and smiled creepily at him. No, it couldn’t.

 

After a good ten minutes of Stilinski and McCall playing house and then Coach telling them “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight” and that “Today we celebrate our independence day!", they finally made their way to the field. 

 

Isaac was busy talking the play with McCall so he didn’t notice at first but when he did, it took him a second to regain his balance.

 

Derek was standing beside the stands in the dark and with his usual attire of black with a bit more black and a side of blackness, Isaac had to squint to make him out. But he was here.

 

His own father had never come to a game, Isaac had never had anyone cheering him on from the stands besides Erica and sometimes Boyd. Not that he expected Derek to do any kind of cheering. 

 

But he was here.

 

And then in one of those moments where the air rushes out of your lungs because you realize something and the good mood just deflates, he realized that Derek was here for Stiles. Not for him.

 

But he told himself at least he was here and that’s all that counts and started the game with a newfound aggression. Halfway through, they took the lead and Isaac realized three things:

 

1\. Stilinski was pretty good. He scored twice in the first half. Jackson’s groan of frustration could be heard all the way from the stands to the field when Stiles scored.

 

2\. Derek was here for both of them. When Isaac scored his first goal of the night, Derek had been looking at him and the grin directed at him told him that Derek would never be like his father. Derek was there for him. He will always be.

 

3\. Stilinski didn’t know Derek was here. Not yet.

 

During the half-time, everyone was pumped because apparently the whole team too had lost all hope for tonight but right now they were leading and that meant another pep-talk from Coach. Isaac stood at the back of the group, silently listening to the man ramble on about how he’d lost a testicle from running about in whether this cold. For the millionth time, Isaac wondered who made this man Coach.

 

Just when the game was about to start, someone said something about Derek being there. It was directed at him but he was so busy looking at Stiles, he missed who had asked the question. 

 

When Derek’s name was mentioned, Stiles turned around so abruptly Isaac was surprised he didn’t snap his bony neck. All conversation stopped as Isaac looked unabashedly at Stiles who was now chewing on the lace on his crosse. 

 

“He’s here to support the team.” Isaac was definitely going to defend Derek, he always did.

 

“I’m sure he is.” That was McCall, Isaac would really like to ask him just what he meant by that but he held his temper. For now, he was not going to get involved in Stilinski and McCall’s weird bromance/romance dynamic, and worry about the game. Afterward though, there will be a conversation.

 

***

 

Stiles tried to push it to the back of his head but the conversation about Derek being there kept playing in his brain over and over again. He was subtly trying to see where Derek was but with the fast-paced game and his less than graceful movements, he still hadn’t been able to spot him. 

 

Somehow the game went on, he scored thrice in the second half too and with that he became the highest scoring player of the night. That. Was. Unexpected.

 

Jackson was currently groaning and cursing from the bench where Coach cuffed him upside the head. His dad and Ms. McCall were cheering loudly from the stands. Actually, his dad was once again back to his earlier mantra of ‘That’s my son! My son’s on the field! My son’s on the team!’ and Ms. McCall was trying to get him to sit down but that wasn’t working out very well. Two rows behind them, Lydia and Allison were loudly cheering and that was his dream once in life- his and Scott’s girl side by side cheering them on from the stands.

 

Then he saw Derek Hale.

 

Standing in the shadows like always, with his hands in his jacket and looking straight at him. Even from this distance, he could make out a slight twitch in his lips and Stiles knew he was here for him.

 

***

 

The locker-room was upside down when they finally made it back, everyone was loud and sweaty and cussing. Coach was too giddy to talk right now and kept saying how he had always believed in ‘Bilinski’. Then, it all went to shit.

 

“What was Derek Hale doing here?”

 

Stiles choked on something and for the life of him, Isaac couldn’t figure out what. He could’ve sworn that Stiles wasn’t eating/chewing anything. This boy was like a walking choking-hazard warning. Wait, that means something totally different. Ssss.

 

“Must’ve been someone really special for him to come out of his palace and mingle with us mere mortals.”

 

“Mingle? He was standing the whole time, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t speak a single word.”

 

“Well he did come. I mean I’ve never seen him at school, why would he come anyway?”

 

“There must be something. Or someone.”

 

They all looked at Isaac and sure, he could come up with an excuse like he was here to see him but he wanted this game of cat and mouse to end. Stiles was going to have to man up and realize how gone Derek was on him. And make a decision as to whether he wanted these advances from Derek or not.

 

“Don’t look at me, he didn’t come for me.”

 

“So he did come for someone, then.”

 

“He did.”

 

That’s all he was going to say and if Stiles was even half as smart as Isaac knew him to be, he’d know. Isaac was sick of all this pining and chasing. To him, for the two years that he had known the man, Derek was living in a shell and he never let anyone in. Sure, Isaac had gotten really close to him and they talked about a lot of things, sure Laura forced Derek to talk at least once a week and Derek did talk. But in reality, the man was stone. He didn’t show any feeling most days, and he didn’t let anyone in. It was like he was stuck in a time, a painful time and his brain wasn’t letting him move on. And as a defense mechanism, it wouldn’t let him feel anything. He was numb.

 

And the first time Isaac had seen him express emotion even remotely was when they ran into Stilinski that first day. In the past couple weeks, he had caught snippets of emotion and actual feeling-as opposed to a show to fool him and Laura-and all those had been directed at Stiles. He felt envious, he did but more than anything else he felt like Derek deserved to have something work out for him.  
After all the pain he’s been living with, if anyone deserves a break it’s Derek Hale.

 

***

 

Stiles stood in front of his locker clutching his jersey, staring at the floor. The room was empty now except for him and Scott who was giggling next to him about something undoubtedly-Allison related. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he chided himself for being a bad friend and not listening to Scott. But right now Stiles wasn’t all here, if he was completely honest with himself.

 

There was too much to absorb right now. The past few weeks had been overwhelming, there was so much going on. He had had to sit himself down almost every night and force his brain to stop whirring and just give up on playing every single conversation with Derek on loop. 

 

It was getting much harder to ignore his feelings and lock them away like he had been doing for a good ten years. He used to be so good at this. He could go months before seeing Derek across the street or in the same restaurant he went with his dad to, and come home to finally let the thoughts and emotions flood him. He used to be able to live his life and not think constantly about how he had fallen in love before he even knew what it meant. 

 

Now? Now Derek Hale was standing in the school field because he had come to see him play.

 

Stiles faintly heard Allison and Scott doing their sickeningly-sweet I-love-you-no-I-love-you routine. He could hear them talking but it sounded like they were far away. He was now remotely aware of someone touching his arm and it took him a while to turn toward the person, which why was everything moving super slow right now, and saw Lydia standing next to him with a concerned expression on her face. Stiles wanted to ask her what was wrong when everything around him came alive in a rush of noise and he had to cover his ears from the sudden assault. 

 

It felt like the whole world had been on pause for a second and now everything had started up again and the movements and sounds were too much for Stiles. He staggered a bit on his feet and Lydia looked even more worried now. Stiles heard someone talking from behind him it was Allison,

 

“Derek Hale was here, everyone was talking about how he came for Stiles. Is there something going on there? I mean—“

 

“I don’t think so, Stiles hasn’t said anything to me. Do you think…”

 

“Well, he did keep looking at Stiles all through the game. Lydia and I noticed.”

 

Someone made a whimpering noise and of course it was Scott and that was followed by retreating footsteps. Stiles tried to move toward his locker to change but Lydia’s hand on his arm stopped him.

 

“Stiles, are you okay? You look sick.”

 

“He came to the game. He never comes, not even for Isaac.”

 

“Stiles.”

 

“He drove me home. He gave me his Gatorade.”

 

“Stiles, what are—“

 

“Lydia, Derek Hale gives a fuck about me.” 

 

“I think—“

 

“He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone. I’ve seen him, I know him. But he does, about me.”

 

Lydia was talking and the only reason he could tell was because her lips were moving, but no sound was coming. Instead all he heard was a dull hum in his ears and then the world around him skidded to a stop. Lydia’s lips slowed down and her eyes weren’t blinking as many times as they should be. Stiles thought she should blink more often, this was scary. The fan on the ceiling was wheezing even more lazily than it usually did.

 

His head felt light and a rush of red covered his vision and the next thing he knew he was on the floor with his back to his locker and Lydia’s lips on his. She pulled back as soon as Stiles opened his eyes and for the shortest of moments, they looked at each other.  
This is all he had wanted from life a year ago.

 

His lips tingled from the lost contact and he was sure his eyes were widened, Lydia’s were too as she looked back at him. She looked surprised, like she hadn’t thought kissing Stiles could be good. Like she was thinking back and asking herself why she had never done this before.

 

Stiles was having a whole other crisis in his head, Lydia had been his goddess for years. He thought he was in love with Lydia but the truth is he was in love with the idea of her. He worshipped her, thought there was nothing more perfect than Lydia Martin. He was never in love with her.

 

He had always been in love with—

 

Before he could complete that thought he felt himself being yanked up by his shirt and a sharp pain flared on his lip and cheek. As he unsteadily stood up, he was met with angry blue eyes and felt another pulse of pain in his stomach.

 

“Jackson!”

 

The screech brought him back to reality. Finally, the world had returned to its normal pace and all the movements and sounds seemed normal. Lydia was standing next to him again and looking at Jackson with an unamused expression. It took him a couple more seconds but Jackson did finally let him go.

 

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

 

“He was kissing you.”

 

“I know, I was there.”

 

“Lydia—“

 

“Shut up Jackson. Just, Just shut up. Oh god great, he’s bleeding now.”

 

“What? You’re worried about him? I--”

 

“Can you for once in your life not think of yourself? He was having….”

 

Isaac had heard enough. He stormed out of the locker room and didn’t wait to hear any more of the conversation. 

 

Oh god. Derek was going to be crushed.

 

***

 

“He was having a panic attack, I kissed him.”

 

“You… Wait what?”

 

“He was having a panic attack and I remembered something about how holding your breath stops the attack.”

 

“But you, he, and I—“

 

“Jackson for the love of god stop mumbling like a kid and get me a first-aid kit. You split his lip.”

 

“But I—“

 

“Jackson get me a kit or so help me.”

 

Stiles looked on in neutral distaste as Jackson squandered around the room looking for a first-aid and finally brought back a huge box from Coach’s office. He thought back to how Derek had once patched him up when he had been stupid enough to go swimming in the stream in the woods and gotten his feet cut and bruised by sharp rocks. Derek had pulled him out and carried him to the Hale house and bandaged his feet way more than necessary. He still remembered how pale Derek had looked the entire time and even more so when he finally carried him home to his dad.

 

Had Derek always felt something for him? Was he maybe not alone in feeling this way? 

 

“—Stiles? Are you listening to me?”

 

“Huh? What?”

 

“I said, I’ve put disinfectant on it but it’s still going to bruise. Oh god, it’s already dark red. Jackson, I’m gonna kill you when we get home.”

 

“But I thought he was—“

 

“I’m sure you did. This was his night, and he played so well and now look at him. God, I wish you would think before using your mouth sometimes. And your hands.”

 

“It’s okay Lydia. I mean he did walk in on us, what else could he think?”

 

“Well, he could trust me for once.”

 

“I do tr—“

 

“Oh come on, I’ve already beat him once today by scoring and winning. I don’t wanna steal his girl too. I mean I can see why he’d be so insecure about me kissing you.”

 

Jackson snorted loudly at that but Stiles didn’t let that hurt his self-esteem. Not today.

 

“No? Is that not why you punched me? ‘Cuz you’re not threatened at all?”

 

“Stiles stop it before I have to get between you two again.”

She said it nonchalantly while packing up the kit again. ‘Get between you’, she said as if she had done anything more than stand there with a raised eyebrow and ordered Jackson to let him go. But he didn’t say that out loud because he may have just kissed her but Lydia Martin still scared the living crap out of him.

 

***

 

Isaac sat silently in the car the whole way home while Erica kept talking about how the game had been a complete shocker. He didn’t bother answering her as his mind kept going back to what he had seen when he went into the locker room with Jackson to get Stiles.  
Derek had congratulated him on winning and then not so subtly asked him where everyone else was. After looking around everywhere else, Isaac had told him to wait near his car as he went back to the locker room to get Stiles. He had found Jackson on the way, looking for Lydia and Scott and Allison had directed them towards the locker room too.

 

When he walked to the door with his phone in his hand texting Derek, he stopped abruptly as he walked into something and his phone clattered to the floor. He picked up his phone and looked up to see Jackson frozen on the spot and looking at something inside the room. Isaac walked around him to see what he was looking at. Stiles was on the floor with his back to a locker and he was kissing Lydia.

 

Isaac felt his breath rush out of him as Derek’s flushed face came to his mind. For a second he was filled with the insatiable urge to go over and punch Stiles in the gut and he would have too if Jackson wasn’t already doing it. 

 

He stood there in the doorway as Jackson pulled Stiles up and hit him again before Lydia intervened. Honestly, he didn’t care what any of them had to say. All he cared about was Derek and how hurt he was going to be when he heard about this.  
Oh god. He had finally let someone in and now he was going to be hurt again.

 

Isaac tuned out the conversation as his mind played back the conversation he had just had with Derek outside and how freaking excited and nervous he looked. Like he was finally going to talk to Stiles. And now he was going to be crushed.

 

He tuned back in to hear Lydia berating Jackson for hitting Stiles. He couldn’t give less of a fuck about any of them right now.

 

His eyes stung as he forced himself to walk to the parking where he knew Derek would be waiting for Stiles. With every step he thought about how Derek had always dodged any advances Laura had made at a conversation with him. Every time she tried to get him to talk and he shut her out. Every time he himself had tried to get to Derek and had been coldly shut down. Every time someone from town said something accusing and completely untrue about Derek and he took it, silently without a protest. 

 

And all of this because he still lived in guilt and pain. Because he just didn’t care anymore what anyone thought of him. And because he was showing the world that he was strong and dangerous. When actually, he was weak. Vulnerable.

 

And now this would make him weaker. He would curl in on himself even more, become even more closed-off. Isaac almost didn’t want to tell him but he knew that if Derek didn’t realize it now he’d just keep going after Stiles and hurt himself even more.  
And a hurt Derek was a dangerous Derek. 

 

To others and to himself.

 

So he steeled himself and walked over to where Derek was leaning against the Camaro and stood up when he spotted Isaac.

 

“Where’s Stiles?”

 

“Derek. I’m just going to say this because it’s better that you know now. And just please talk to me and don’t go off—“

 

“Isaac what are you talking about?”

 

“I just sa-, Jackson just punched Stiles because Stiles kissed Lydia.”

 

The second the words were out Derek’s face changed so quick, Isaac could swear he saw individual muscles move and lock in place. The red that was covering his cheeks and neck was gone and Isaac had never seen Derek this pale. The little frown in his brow from earlier disappeared and his face was a blank mask right now. Isaac knew it too well, this was what Derek’s face looked like every day, all day. 

This was a mask he put on for people. But by now Derek’s close enough to him that Isaac hadn’t seen him look blank for a while. By now, he got to see the real Derek who had his expressions of distinterest and his glares and scowls but right now, they were back to two years ago when Isaac was one of the strangers the mask was for.

 

“Is he okay?”

 

The question startled him but in hindsight he should’ve expected it. Of course Derek would be worried about Stiles. Even after Isaac had just told him that Stiles didn’t feel about Derek what Derek felt. Of course.

 

Because Derek didn’t do anything half-hearted. He didn’t just like, he loved.

 

And right now he was in love with Stiles.

 

“Yeah, he’s okay.” Isaac lied for his sake and Derek’s because they both knew he’d go after Stiles in a heartbeat if he wasn’t fine.

 

The second he heard that, Derek got in his car and drove out of there so fast there were skid marks on the ground and he could smell the burn of rubber. 

 

He didn’t know what he should do, going after Derek was out of the question. He had learnt that the hard way, when Derek left you behind you were meant to stay behind. He contemplated calling Laura, she already knew her brother was in love with Stiles. She was the one who had told Isaac actually, just how far back Derek’s affection for Stiles went. And she would also know what to do with Derek.

 

“ ‘ello?”

 

“Laura? Did I wake you up?”

 

“Don’t worry about it, what’s up Zac?”

 

“I uh, I. I saw Stiles kissing a girl and I told Derek because I thought it’d be better to tell him right away and now he’s sped off. What do I do Laura?”

 

“Hey, don’t worry. You did the right thing. He would’ve been more hurt if someone else told him. Just, Jesus he’s really gone on this boy, I can imagine how upset he must be. Listen, I was going to surprise you two but that’s okay now. I’m coming to Beacon Hills. I’m moving back. And I’ll be there by tomorrow night, I’ll take care of everything. You just go home and sleep.”

 

“Thanks Laura, I’m really worried about him. He was so happy today and he even came to the game. And now—“

 

“I know sweetheart, just give him some time. He’ll be fine, he always is. How was the game, by the way?”

 

“Oh, we won. Stiles scored the most goals actually. Derek was here so--”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, that boy is going to be the death of him. Even before, Derek was so taken by him. I was really surprised when he turned him away years ago. And now he’s going to games for him. Shit, this is bad. You know what, I’ll be there in a couple hours. Hang tight, Zac.”

 

“Yeah, should I go after him?”

 

“No. No, let him be. He’s going to need to be alone for a bit. But I’ll come early and we’ll go to dinner tomorrow. You just go home and sleep, you must be tired. And try not to think too much. It’s all going to be okay, love.”

 

Derek was gone and Laura was coming in a couple hours and then everything would be okay. That’s what he told himself as he laid in bed that night. He didn’t like it when he was alone in the loft, it reminded him of his dad too much. It made him feel distressed, like he was shackled in a closed box. 

 

He hoped Derek would come back. And Laura would be here when he woke up. Please.

 

***

 

Stiles laid in bed staring up the ceiling, willing his heart to slow down. Today had been the happiest day in a long time. His dad was so proud of him and he had kept telling him that all night, except when he was berating him for getting into a fight. Ms. McCall had looked him over and announced that they were just superficial bruises and would heal within a week or so.

 

Scott had been seething all night, cursing at Jackson even after Stiles had told them all the whole story. But all in all, it was a great day. Everyone was happy and his life was good.

 

Actually more than good, way more. 

 

His little, one-sided crush(little, yeah right!) wasn’t so one-sided anymore. After hours of thinking and over-analyzing Stiles had realized that Derek wouldn’t go to the game if he wasn’t seriously interested in him. 

 

He had seen Derek around town all these years and never once did Derek willingly socialize. He was closed-off with a certainty and assertion that screamed how much he disliked social contact. And yet he had gone to the most social event in town-the lacrosse game.  
And Isaac had made it pretty clear that he was there for someone and that that someone wasn’t Isaac. Not that Stiles had any doubts, from the way Derek had been staring at him through the game and afterward no one doubted it. He was sure the whole town knew by now.

 

And that made a shudder go down his spine and a giddy feeling in his heart. 

 

For once, Stiles didn’t stop himself from thinking about Derek from all those years ago. He laid in bed playing memories of Derek and himself in his head. And he fell asleep with a goofy smile on his face. Life was good.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the title is from the song as you've all guessed. Heard it on the radio in subway today and it just really seemed to fit with the chapter. Also I have no knowledge of lacrosse or panic attacks outside research for this, so I apologize for all the mistakes I'm sure I made. And do let me know what you think of where this is going!


	6. You wrecked me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, hopefully it'll be worth it. Another long chapter!

Never let it be said that Stiles Stilinski was ever dealt a good hand in life. Ever.

 

It was like the dude upstairs was just bent on pooping on his sad excuse of a life and the whole universe was in on it. He couldn’t catch a break. 

 

Last night he went to bed thinking things were good and he might find some long deserved happiness. Romance, if he’s being too optimistic. But of course the calmness that he had mistaken to be a well deserved break was more like a ‘calm before the storm’. 

 

The first thing he saw when he came down the stairs that morning was his dad sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and eating greasy food dipped in grease with a side of grease.

 

“Dad!” He shrieked and the Sheriff jumped a foot legit into the air on hearing his voice. 

 

“Stiles what? What happened?”

 

“You’re eating bacon. And sausage. And fried eggs. Is that fried chicken? Oh my god, it is! You traitor!”

 

“Son, you almost gave me a heart-attack with that high-school girl screaming. Kind of defies the purpose, don’t you think?”

 

“You listen to me Sheriff Stilinski, hand over the greasy food and go eat cheerios or something. Or I will give you a proper heart-attack.”

 

“Come on, Son. I thought you’d be happy today, Scott said something about things working out for you. I’m just happy for you, and this is me expressing my happiness.”

 

“Hand that plate to me or I’m going to be expressing a shit-load of things.”

 

“Language, son.”

 

“Plate, Dad.”

 

“Fine.” Stiles rolled his eyes as his ‘I’m-in-my-late-thirties'-but-actually-closely-verging-on-42-this-year dad huffed in annoyance at being told to hand over his breakfast. And he was the town’s Sheriff. God bless Beacon Hills!

 

“I heard that.”

 

“I meant for you to.”

 

“Hurtful son, real hurtful.”

 

“Oh give it up. Cruella couldn’t fake it that good!”

 

And if the huffing and feigned hurt wasn’t enough to make Stiles hit his head on the wall, a grown man in a sheriff’s uniform stomping up the stairs, was.

 

Regardless Stiles was not going to let anything get him down today. 

 

***

 

“What do we say to the universe when it wants to poop all over our day? Not today.” 

 

He told himself as he got in his jeep and made his way to school. If only it worked like that.

 

The first thing he noticed when he got to school was Scott and Allison making out on top of his barely-safe looking bike. And the rest of the student body divided into some basic version of ‘I’m going to throw up now’ and ‘Aww, they’re so cute’.

 

Honestly, Stiles was pretty much the former himself with a slight hint of the latter sometimes. And on every single one of those times, he regretted feeling like that. Because Scott and Allison would take that as an open invitation to suck face non-stop.

 

Squaring his shoulders, he made his way over and very pointedly cleared his throat. Twice. Before Scott languidly turned his head towards Stiles and did his stupid ‘puppy face’ that would make Loki go weak in the knees. 

 

“Stiles, you’re here.”

 

“Yeah, I am. Can you two stop playing tonsil hockey now? I think I just saw Jackson gagging.”

 

“You’re just jealous.”

 

“That I might be. But seriously, you two need to stop trying to reach into each other’s body via your mouth. It’s scarring.”

 

“Stiles!” Allison chided him as Scott stood up from the bike and was now standing beside him turning up his puppy face to Level: 10000.

 

“Okay fine, sorry. But I mean maybe this is why Mr. Argent doesn’t like you. ‘Cuz you insist on making babies in public. Just sayin’.”

 

That should keep Scott occupied for a while. Maybe two periods. Three. Maybe.

 

***

 

Okay so Stiles had expected some hostility from Isaac, like a little misplaced anger or jealousy because Stiles was taking away Derek’s time and attention from him. He hoped to take away a lot of Derek-time. So yes, he expected Isaac to be bitchy. Probably a little bit from Erica too.

 

But nothing could’ve prepared him for the heated glares Isaac was shooting him right now. Granted, he looked more like a kicked puppy than anything else but still the guy was trying. And Stiles could see that.

 

Erica’s glare was more like a scorching, x-ray vision that would burn right through him any minute now, it was that intense. She looked like she was going to start chanting aggressively in Latin, exorcism chants or something because that look was definitely about wishing him dead.

 

To say that he was confused would be an understatement.

 

Scott was as usual sinfully oblivious to his attempted murder that was surely being planned right now if Boyd’s hushed voice and pointed looks toward Isaac and Erica were anything to go by. Allison was definitely aware of something going on but the second Scott sat down across from her, she forgot the whole world and went into her ‘must look adorable Scott’s here’ mode.

 

Stiles was left alone, looking around and noticing how angry Derek’s clique looked right now. But no one else took notice, the whole cafeteria buzzing with loud noises as everyone ate their lunch. Stiles was more than a little scared and a lot more than a little confused.

 

***

 

If he was confused before, this was Shutter Island levels of mind-fuckery.

 

After enduring the whole day at school somehow, he was more than rejoiced to be getting out. Scott had been wrapped up in Allison all day and failed to notice the angry glaring/scowling the leather gang had going on towards him. Allison was surprisingly ignorant. Stiles would stay and tell them what was going on - not that he had much of an idea - but he was seriously worried about his safety by the last period.

 

The angry looks were definitely progressive and he did not want to be 'accidentally' pushed down the stairs so he rushed over to his jeep and threw his bag in while looking for any lurkers. He had seen this way too many times on tv, there was no way someone was going to kill Stiles Stilinski in a parking lot. No way. 

 

As he sped away from school the damn gas alarm thing went off. Great, spend more money on gas. Well, at least this time he didn’t have to go out of his way to get gas because he wasn’t going home. 

 

After careful deliberation last night and this morning, Stiles had decided to go see Derek. Well actually he had decided to talk to Derek whenever he saw him but after the angry display at school, he didn’t want to take any chances. So he was going to Derek’s apartment in town. And quite possibly make a fool out of himself but he had to know, once and for all. He had to know if there was anything there or if this was going to be another Lydia Martin type situation.

 

When he pulled in to the station, he saw a familiar black Camaro parked in the empty lot. Finally something worked out on this shitty day. Stiles snatched the keys and excitedly jumped out the jeep and walked towards the convenience store. Derek must be in there since he wasn’t out here at the pumps.

 

A little bell signaled the door being opened as he stepped in and looked around to see if he could find Derek. The first thing he was going to talk about with him would be better meeting places. Why did they always have to meet at corner stores? Then his stupid brain started going in a dangerous direction as he imagined a nervous Derek picking him up from home for a date in the next town over just so the Sheriff couldn’t disturb them. 

 

But every thought and protest died on his lips when he saw Derek. He was looking at something in his hand and Stiles could tell that he hadn’t seen him because his face was contorted into so much concentration. Besides, Stiles could pinpoint the exact moment Derek saw him because his usually blank face was now an exact replica of how Erica had looked. His eyebrows dipped in a frown and his lips in a tight, thin line. And if Stiles wasn’t already looking, he’d have missed the flash of hurt(?) on his face before he settled on the scowl. 

 

His insides churned at the look Derek was giving him right now. He felt like he had done something eternally wrong to deserve this. Because Derek Hale scowled and brooded at people all the time but the mini-second where he had looked at Stiles like he’d betrayed Derek was reserved for a chosen few and right now it was killing him inside. 

 

He didn’t know what was going on when Derek took a step from where he was standing but for some reason, Stiles felt like his whole fantasy world that he had been dreaming of was going to come crashing down. Like something was so terribly wrong that it couldn’t be corrected. That feeling you get on a perfectly good day that everything is going to shit for no apparent reason. And he felt that for all of three seconds that it took Derek to walk from his spot to where Stiles was standing. 

 

He opened his mouth to say something snarky despite the sick feeling in his stomach, as Derek silently walked past him and out the door. He was left standing there blinking at the wall as his brain tried to recover from the shock that the guy who had gone to see a Lacrosse game for him yesterday had just now walked past him like he was invisible. 

 

He turned around and walked to the door, still in a dazed state about what had just happened, and looked to where the Camaro was just speeding off onto the road amidst heavy traffic and the cars swerved in the aftermath as Derek drove away. Stiles stood there holding the door thinking just what he had done.

 

This. This was why he had never let himself believe. This was why he never allowed himself to think of all that was Derek Hale. Of everything that he denied to even himself. Because he did not want to end up getting hurt all over again. He did not want to be kicked out and sent home because ‘you’re a kid, go play with other kids.’ 

 

And here he was now, rejected once again.

 

***

 

He had no recollection of last night after Isaac had come to him after the game and told him about Stiles. He remembered driving away but he didn’t remember anything after that. He had gone to the Preserve, driving toward the edge of the mountain but then remembered how as kids he and Stiles had gone there sometimes, and changed his mind. Instead he’d sat in front of the burnt down shell of a house that was once his home.

 

Home, where he felt safe and sheltered like nothing could hurt him. And if he was hurt, that he will be fine. 

 

Some things never change.

 

***

 

When he’d gone home it was already light outside, the town sleepily waking up to the new day. Isaac was sleeping on the floor on the spare mattress when he got to the loft, Erica was on the couch. He knew they had been up late waiting for him but he wasn’t ready to talk last night. He wasn’t ready yet.

As silently as he could, Derek made his way to the bed and stripped down to take a shower and sleep but Isaac shot up the second he stepped on a noisy floorboard. He didn’t even rub his eyes like he did every day, no he just shot up and turned toward him with his arms raised in a defensive stance. 

The signs were few and far apart but when they were there, Derek’s cold shell cracked all over again to see this kid be reminded of the abuse he’d lived with for years.

 

He tried smiling at Isaac to put him at ease but with his own walls crumbling in on him, he wasn’t sure what it was that Isaac was seeing on his face.

 

“Derek, are—“

 

“Why did you sleep on the floor? Should’ve taken my bed.”

 

That seemed to wake Erica who was till now fast asleep. She looked at him over the back of the couch with eyes that mirrored what Laura would like if she was here. Concern.

 

“Erica. You two should go back to sleep, only have a few hours before school.”

 

“Der, are you hungry? There’s dinner in the fridge.”

 

“Thanks Erica, now go to sleep.”

 

She nodded her head and with a soft hand on Isaac’s forearm, they both backed down in a manner that was almost suspicious. Erica never gave in that easy, she was definitely up to something. But he was too tired to care about that right now.

 

Tiredly, he reached the bed and stripped.

He hadn’t taken pills to help him sleep since years ago when the memories of the fire kept him up all night. They still haunted him when he slept but now he was used to them, in a twisted sort of way he couldn’t sleep now if he didn’t have dreams about that night. But now, he slept without any medication because he didn’t need it anymore. Tonight, he needed it.

 

The next thing he knew it was 2 p.m. and the loft was empty, the silence made him uncomfortable for once. Taking a quick shower, he was out of there in twenty minutes driving towards the school when his brain finally logged in for the day and reminded him that Stiles would be there.

 

He should go get food from the corner store but the fact that the last two times he was there, he ran into Stiles made him turn toward the gas station instead. 

 

Derek knew he was letting himself get hurt, he was making himself vulnerable. The moment he had allowed himself to feel, he had made himself exposed and weak and vulnerable to Stiles. And Stiles had hurt him.

 

That’s what people did. That’s what people do, Derek. That’s what Kate had done years ago, so then why did he expect something different. 

 

Maybe because Stiles had been there, because Stiles had seen him at his worst. And that’s why he hoped that Stiles wouldn’t do what Kate had done to him. If he was being honest with himself, he knew Stiles hadn’t really done anything to him. He knew it, he just didn’t want to accept it. 

 

Didn’t want to accept that Stiles had the right to kiss anyone he wanted, to be with anyone he wanted.

 

He had never told Stiles what he wanted, Stiles was free to be anyone’s.

 

But the little voice in his head wouldn’t let him think that.

 

‘He’s yours. Always has been.’

 

Over the years he had learned how to smother that voice, how to muffle it. But just like everything else, it had gotten louder since Stiles had stepped back into his life. His heart fluttered now. His voice broke, his feelings refused to be suppressed and his walls crumpled. Ever since Stiles laid eyes on him a few weeks ago.

 

And here he was now, looking intently at Derek like he was studying him. Like he wanted to figure him out so he could wreck him, and break him. But what he didn’t realize was he had already broken him.

 

The worst part was Derek would let him do it again. He knew he would and it scared him so he didn’t stop to tell Stiles to stay away from him. Because he didn’t think he could.

 

Derek Hale was many things but strong was not one of them. He ran when he was hurt, he did it once before and he did it again.

 

This time of day, there were usually people around the Preserve, jogging or just plain nosy high-school kids trying to smoke pot or drink. It irritated him to no end that kids would throw away their future for a few hours of high but he wasn’t about to meddle in any of that. The town thought him a junkie already, he wasn’t about to add ‘dealer’ to that. And that’s why he avoided going to the Preserve when it was still light outside. 

 

It calmed him, made it easier to just breathe- the Preserve. Maybe it was numbness that he mistook for calm and in a sick, twisted way seeing his burnt down house was good for him. His therapist thought it was ‘detrimental to his emotional well-being to go back there’ but he had told him to shove detrimental up his ass when he’d gone to the last appointment, with a worried Laura forcing him to go as she sat in the waiting room counting minutes. Laura had tried every therapist who’d see him, everyone who hadn’t already heard about him and he had threatened and walked out on every last one. Until she gave up one day and told him she was moving away.

 

Derek knew she loved him, and didn’t blame him for the fire. Not even for one day, she never blamed him but she wanted him to stop blaming himself. She loved him like their mother used to love them, unconditionally and eternally. She worried about him like Talia Hale would be worried. And that’s why she took a job in New York because she said she couldn’t take it anymore, see him wasting his life away.

 

He had come a long way since then. 

 

Now, as he went back to the loft he thought about how Laura deserved to feel happy and relieved at how he had forgiven himself. She was happy in her life and maybe he should give New York another chance. Maybe he could find some semblance of happiness in his life.

 

Isaac was waiting for him when he got there, sitting on the couch with his laptop on his thighs. He looked up when the door opened and his face reflected just how much he wanted Derek to talk to him. He knew Isaac was worried but Derek was neither ready nor willing to talk about it. Silence and denial was his go-to strategy and it had worked just fine in the past.

 

“Isaac, I know you’re worried but I need you to stop looking at me like a worried duck looks at her newborn kid. We are not having this conversation in the near future. Now, what do you want for dinner?”

 

“Derek, I forgot to tell you earlier um, Laura’s coming. To Beacon Hills. Forever.”

 

“What?”

 

“She said she’s moving here.”

 

“When?”

 

“She’ll be here in a couple hours. Called me just now to say we should make dinner.”

 

“And you couldn’t call me?”

 

“I didn’t know if you’d pick up.”

 

“What if I hadn’t come home now?”

 

“I was going to order in. I mean Erica and I have been so worried about you and she said she’d cook if she was any good and I thought you might—“

 

“Just. Leave it, let’s get groceries and I’ll make something. Get your coat.”

 

And that’s how he finds himself standing in front of the butter display looking for the one with the most fat. 

 

While the whole world looked for the no-fat option, his sister bought the one with the most fat. 

 

‘It tastes best that way. I would never compromise with food, Der. It’s sacred.’

 

Laura Hale, ladies and gentlemen.

 

While he was busy scowling the butter into submission, Isaac made an indignant noise behind him. Derek thought it was one of annoyance at how much time he was taking picking butter and was about to glare at Isaac when he heard someone talking from somewhere close.

 

“So I heard Stilinski got a handful from you the other day after the game.”

 

“Yeah, I heard something about that. What happened Whittemore? He score too many goals?”

 

“He was pretty busted when I saw him this morning. You worried about your place in the team?”

 

“Nah, dude messed with his girlfriend man. ‘course Jackson hit him. I would. Right?”

 

“Well I’d do it again too, I mean I caught him kissing her and I punched him. He didn’t tell me he—“

 

Derek had heard enough. This guy was bragging about hitting a kid just so he could look cool to his friends. He hadn’t looked at Stiles long enough earlier to tell how badly he was hurt but right now he could feel his face getting hot with boiling rage.

 

“You dare put a hand on him again, I will rip your throat out. With my teeth.”

 

The kid looked like he was about to piss himself but right now all Derek could think was how all these jock-types would hurt and bully Stiles if they thought they could get away with it. And he would’ve hit the kid too maybe if he wasn’t interrupted. 

 

***

 

Stiles drove to the station still thinking about how Derek had walked past him like he was no one. He didn’t have any delusions about being the most important person to Derek but he thought that he mattered. At least a little bit. That he was someone.

 

Apparently, he wasn’t.

 

His dad looked at him curiously and asked him if he was fine and just like every other time, Stiles lied. He smiled and lied through his teeth.

 

“So, good news – Scott’s dad is not coming anymore. No one is.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Well I, the Sheriff of Beacon Hills found out who was responsible for the robbery. It was the owner’s son-in-law and this was a totally isolated incident so there’s no case. No FBI.”

 

“Wow dad don’t be so modest.”

 

“Learned from the best, son.”

 

“Oh ha ha. So funny.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, son? You seem distracted.”

 

“Yeah, I was just thinking about dinner.”

 

“So I was thinking that since I did such a great job with the case that you could make a nice, delicious, meaty dinner.”

 

“Didn’t we have this conversation this morning?”

 

“Oh come on Stiles, I just solved a federal case. Give me something to work with here, son.”

 

“Okay fine. Wasn’t really a federal case if they didn’t come but okay.”

 

“It was.”

 

“Wasn’t.”

 

“Just get the groceries, kid.”

 

“Yeah yeah. I’ll see you at home for dinner.”

 

“Remember, meaty.”

 

“Remember, heart disease.”

 

“Just go.”

 

Well, if anything helped him feel lighter it was a friendly banter with his dad. He definitely was not thrilled about a meaty dinner but he might as well. Or else his dad would cheat when Stiles wasn’t around. 

 

On his way over, he thought about Scott and telling him about his dad but then he remembered he and Allison were going to be hiding in her room and doing things he didn’t want to think about. Now might not be the best time to call him.

 

His mind wandered back to Derek and how he had looked at him earlier today. That look of indifference was so different from the one Derek had shot him after the game when he’d scored. Derek had looked like he cared, like Stiles mattered. So then what had happened in this one day that they went back to being strangers. Like they had been for years.

 

He was pulled out of his internal monologue when he heard Derek’s voice from the next aisle. It was followed by a thump like something hit a shelf. 

 

Stiles’ feet worked before his brain could catch up and he was running toward the voice and came to a stop when he saw Derek pushing Jackson into the shelf and his hands in Jackson’s clothes like he was planning on hitting him against the shelf again. 

 

And just like every other time when his self-preservation instinct should win out but didn't, his hands shot out to pull Derek’s arms from Jackson.

 

“Derek! Let go of him. What are you doing?”

 

“Stilinski. Get him off.”

 

Derek looked at him in shock with his eyes wide and then they settled on his busted lip which was now turning an ugly blue, and Stiles used his distraction to pull Jackson out of his reach. 

 

“Tell your boyfriend what happened.”

 

Jackson snarled in his ear but apparently he wasn’t as quiet as he thought he was.

 

“I’m not his boyfriend.”

 

His head whipped around to look at Derek. It wasn’t the words that surprised him, because they were true. 

 

It was how Derek had said it.

 

With something venomous in the words, it sounded almost bitter. Like Jackson had accused him of something that was too far beneath him. Like it was unthinkable that Jackson would say it.

 

But the idiot that he was, he still talked. He still tried.

 

"Derek, it wasn't his fault. I was--"

 

"Did you kiss this Lydia girl?"

 

"I told you that's now how it--"

 

"Did you or did you not?"

 

"Yes, but--"

 

Derek's voice form earlier kept ringing in his ears. The bitterness in the words. 

 

It hit him like a strong wave of water flowing right over his head while he stood there fixed on the spot. Too numb to move.

 

Everyone was gone now. Jackson and his buddies weren’t there.

 

Isaac wasn’t there, standing far from everything like he was afraid someone might hurt him.

 

Derek wasn’t there anymore. 

 

The reality of the last few weeks hit him, Derek wasn’t there.

 

Stiles didn’t matter to him. 

 

And just like that, he lost him again.

 

Or maybe he never had him.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a prompt from someone on tumblr on one of my posts, unfortunately I can't find their name. But thanks to them!
> 
> So? Like it? No?


	7. Why can't I be more than this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being a lazy writer, truth is I've been feeling less motivated to write recently. But no worries, I won't abandon ship till this is done at least. Thanks for your patience, enjoy the long chapter!
> 
> *** - paragraph breaks  
> ***** - flashbacks

Derek stepped away from him the second he heard those words fall out of Stiles' mouth. He didn't put any conscious effort into it, more like his body automatically retreated the second it became clear that the lifetime of pain he had been burying was coming for him finally. 

 

Derek drove silently as Isaac practically vibrated next to him. He wanted to reach out a hand and comfort him or say something to calm him down but right now all his senses were numb. It felt like his body was slowly shutting down as his brain torturously reminded him what Stiles had just said.

 

“I did.” He said when Derek had asked him if he’d kissed that girl.

 

Funny thing is this was the first proper conversation they’ve had in eight years. The first time they talked like normal people and that’s what was messed up with this thing. Because they’d never talked about how Derek didn’t want Stiles to kiss anyone else. Stiles had never even told him if he was interested. But Derek had been a fool enough to think he understood Stiles. That he still knew him.

 

But he didn’t.

 

‘Of course you don’t, you’re the one who pushed him away.’ 

 

As much as he wanted to forget for now, to just think about Laura for tonight, he couldn’t. He probably shouldn’t even be driving right now since he can hardly focus on the road. And Isaac is still buzzing next to him. But somehow they make it to the loft.

 

“There you are baby brother. It’s been too long, Der. Come here.”

 

Laura walked toward him with her arms open and the inviting smile on her face. This is what she’d looked like when they were in the hospital after the fire. 

 

And that was quite possibly the most painful thought ever. On top of the already gut-wrenching epiphanies he’s had for tonight. This was going to be a long night.

 

“Oh come on, Derek stop pouting and get in here.” 

 

Isaac was already wrapped up in Laura as she held out an arm for him. Physical comfort was not what he needed right now but his sister had always been one to get what she wanted. It was always easier to just give in to Laura.

 

And she was warm, so was Isaac. Okay, fine. He did feel better standing there with his family. Getting the feeling that there were still people who cared.

 

Isaac broke away and went to his room, probably to give them some space.

 

“Der, I was so worried about you. Zac has been so worried.”

 

“There’s nothing to worry about Laura.”

 

“Are you back to that again, lying? I know when you’re unhappy. You know how it works, after the accident we have been able to tell how the other feels. And you know it so don’t dare deny it.”

 

It was true, after the fire Laura and he had somehow changed and now they could tell when the other was sad or angry or upset. Maybe it was just a sibling thing, maybe not. Maybe it was pure instinct. But Derek was nothing if not an adamant denier of true facts and skillful dodger of important questions.

 

“It wasn’t an accident, Laura. It was—“

 

“No. I’m not going to stand here and listen to you blame yourself again.”

 

“But it was my fault, I brought her home.”

 

“We’ve talked about this so many times, Der. It wasn’t your fault. If not you then she would’ve found another way to do it.”

 

“But she didn’t have to.”

 

“My god Der, I thought you were finally over this. But no. This boy is bad for you if it means you’re going to relapse to years ago, I mean—“

“Laura.” That was usually enough to get her to shut up.

 

“Look all I’m saying is if he reminds you of that time, maybe you shouldn’t be with him.”

 

“Everything reminds me of ‘that time’. It was our family Laura, our home. It wasn’t a ‘vacation in the country’ that I can forget. And Stiles doesn’t remind me of that, he reminds me of the person I was before. But that doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”

 

“Maybe you should—“

 

“I’m going to change and make dinner. Then we are going to sit down and eat like a normal family and talk about New York and Isaac’s school. And you need rest after that.”

 

“Derek—“

 

“Laura” 

 

She did shut up this time. 

 

Dinner was uncomfortable to say the least. Everyone was dying to talk about the one thing they shouldn’t. Derek trying to keep up appearances for Laura and Isaac’s sake. Isaac trying to stay quiet and not bring up what had just happened in the grocery store. Laura worried sick about her brother and barely holding back from shaking him for information.

 

But they left him alone once everyone ate, and he was eternally grateful for that. Talking was not what he wanted to do right now.

 

‘Why do you always do this to yourself? Do you hate yourself that much?’ 

 

Even his own brain took pleasure in his pain. Was everyone’s subconscious this masochistic and mocking? That’s not what they showed on tv. Maybe it was a reflection of who he was.

 

‘No really Derek, how can you be this unlucky when falling in love.’

 

“I wasn’t in love with her.” Derek hissed at, well, Derek.

 

*****

 

It was true. He had never been in love with Kate Argent. 

 

The first time he’d heard of her was on the lacrosse field when Coach had been called to the Principal’s office and everyone was huddled on the benches finally breathing after three hours of running around. Derek was first string and according to Coach the best player and ‘a personal blessing from God’ to him.

 

He wasn’t very social back then either, talked to people when he needed to and stuck with important conversations rather than meaningless small talk. He wasn’t one to gossip about the head librarian or the Principal’s son. And the lacrosse team was the gossip mill of the school, every single of them was a chatty woman who needed to know everyone’s business.

 

Derek tried to stay away from it most days but that day he listened because John Tucker was sitting right next to him on the bench and had an arm around Derek’s shoulder.

 

“Have you seen Gerard Argent’s daughter? She’s in town and I saw her at the mall yesterday. Man, what I wouldn’t give to do her.”

 

“You would do anyone or anything Tucker.”

 

“But seriously man, she’s older but a total bombshell. And she’s really fiery too. So hot.”

 

“I think I have seen her before, last year maybe. She was carrying a crossbow, how hot is that?”

 

The whole hour was spent singing praises about Kate Argent. Personally, Derek didn’t care. He had never met her and he wouldn’t be too disappointed if he never did. But every single guy on the team kept talking about how they’d give anything to spend one night with her. 

 

“What do you think Hale?”

 

“About?”

 

“The moon landing, what do you think? Kate Argent?”

 

“I don’t know, I’ve never met her.”

 

“Neither have I but what do you think? You’d do her?”

 

He honestly wanted to say no. For reasons he wasn’t entirely sure or honest about. Even with himself. It was like he knew why he wanted to say no but his brain didn’t let him accept that. His brain just didn’t register that answer.

 

“I don’t know, maybe.”

 

“Oh come on, you’re all talking like she would actually pick one of us. She’s older and we’re still in high school.”

\------------

 

But that’s exactly what she did. At the next practice, someone was sitting in the stands next to Stiles and his best friend, Sam. No Scott. Tucker whispered in his ear that that was Kate Argent.

 

After that, practice became a mating ritual where everyone wanted to show their impressive plumage like freaking peacocks. Every single one of them trying to impress Kate Argent. 

 

At least Coach was delighted at the end of it, yelling about ‘finally being able to reap the fruit of all his hard work’. The boys weren’t subtle in their staring and even a blind person could tell they were all vying for her attention. Except Derek.

 

He was hunched over Stiles telling him he should be home doing his homework while his best friend curiously examined his crosse.

 

“But I already finished my homework. And you’re not my mom.”

 

Stiles’ eyes widened the second the words left his mouth. Derek realized that Stiles hadn’t thought what he was saying and now his eyes looked glassy like he was about to cry but Stiles was strong and Derek had only seen him cry a handful of times even when he’d lost his mother.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.” Stiles’ voice was quivering and Scott was now standing protectively next to him and Derek wasn’t sure why he felt the over whelming urge to scoop Stiles up in his arms and run into the woods. 

 

“It’s okay, I know. Do you like lacrosse too, Scott?”

 

The boy looked up at him with wide eyes like he had just asked him to kill a puppy. Actually, Scott had always been very quiet around him which was completely opposite to what Stiles had told him about the boy. So maybe Derek’s feeling about Scott not liking him was right, if the conflicted expression on Scott’s face was anything to go by. He looked like he wanted to answer but also wanted Derek to go kill himself.

 

“He does just like me. We want to join the team when we grow up.”

 

Stiles was better at social interaction than Derek. And the kid was ten.

 

Before he could answer someone cut in.

 

“Hi.”

 

He turned around to see a tall blonde woman standing just behind him with a huge toothy smile on her face. 

 

“Hi.”

 

Derek wasn’t sure why she was looking at him like he should suddenly remember who she is and hug her. He was pretty sure he didn’t know her. 

 

But the whole lacrosse team making lewd gestures at him behind her back was kind of a huge sign.

 

“Is this the friend you were here for, kid? Isn’t he a little old for you?”

 

Her smile turned a bit smug as he asked Stiles, Derek felt a sudden surge of anger in him which he certainly couldn’t justify so keeping quiet.

 

“Anyway, I’m Kate Argent. You’re Derek, right?”

 

He nodded his head at her unsure of where this was going. The guys were still doing crude things behind her and Stiles was still here. 

 

And he was a kid. So he should most certainly not be looking at Noah Puckerman licking his hand suggestively and making sex faces. 

 

“Stiles, you guys should head home. It’s getting late.”

 

“But we were—“

 

“Stiles, go home.”

 

Of course he pouted and made noises but finally stomped off the field turning back once to look at Derek, but he left.

 

“Stubborn kid.”

 

He whipped his head around to look at Kate Argent’s face twisted into another smug smile as she stepped closer to him. 

 

“Anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to catch dinner tomorrow night. I haven’t been in Beacon Hills for a while, what’s a nice restaurant?”

 

And that’s how he ended up sitting surrounded in the locker room by every single guy on the team demanding an in-detail description of his conversation with Kate.

 

They were all looking at him like there was a baby popping out of his mouth when he told them he wasn’t sure he’d go.

 

The thing was, he didn’t really like Kate when they talked that first time. She smiled at the oddest things and every word that came out of her mouth sounded sarcastic and like it could mean a million things other than what Derek thought it meant.

 

But here he was surrounded by a dozen guys who had been fantasizing about being with that woman not two days ago. Every single one of them would go if she asked them. He could tell. Plus, she was a beautiful woman. And an older, experienced woman. Derek was too fast to judge people anyway so maybe he should be giving her more of a chance. Maybe she was just nervous or something.

 

And yet a part of him didn’t want to go. The part he usually smothered. 

 

\-----------------

 

He sat at the dinner table looking around at his family. His mom and dad were the 'power couple' of Beacon Hills. Laura and her star quarter-back boyfriend who were being touchy-feely like usual. Peter was putting his potatoes in Sarah's plate because his pregnant wife needed all the nutrition. She was glaring at Peter though because she hated potatoes. 

 

And then there he was - alone.

 

He was fifteen and pretty much everyone around him was dating. Everyone had someone. 

 

He had someone too but that's not what Laura meant when she teased him to bring home a girl. That's not what Talia meant when she looked at her son with a sad smile. 

 

They wanted someone he could be with like they had someone. Someone he could bring home and reassure them with, that he was being taken care of.

 

He had Stiles. 

 

But he guessed that hardly counted. A ten year old boy who listened to him ramble about anything and everything. He wasn’t like that with anyone else. Everyone else knew him as the quiet, confident kid who never stumbled over his words and spoke only when he needed to.

 

On his nightly visits to the woods where he and Stiles would sit for hours, he was completely different. Himself. Not that he pretended in public or anything, shy and quiet was totally him too but when Stiles was sitting there looking at him like he was the most important person in the world, Derek found it hard to hold back.

 

He practically ran a ‘live commentary’ on his thoughts when Stiles was listening. Not that that happened so often. Stiles hardly shut up himself. But for Derek’s sake, he did. He listened intently as Derek talked about how he was going to study architecture after he got out of school. And how he was going to make beautiful homes for people. Warm homes.

 

But there was only so much a ten year old could do. So much a ten year old could be to him.

 

So in the end, he did go on that dinner with Kate Argent. And that was the day he has been regretting for eight years.

 

\-------------------

 

After that first dinner, he realized he had been too quick to judge. Kate was actually quite a handful, she talked and Derek felt like he was being wooed even without his consent. There was something about her, that made every word out of her mouth believable. 

 

Derek had never been a big fan of compliments, he always cringed and lost his words when someone complimented him. But when Kate did it, he believed them. He believed her.

 

Within a week, his family figured out he was dating someone and upon insistence by his mother and sister, he invited Kate for dinner. But he hadn’t told them that the girl who was ‘making him smile at silly things’ was an Argent.

 

The Hales and Argents were the two ends of the Beacon Hills’ politics.

 

The families had never gotten along but after Gerard Argent took over from his father, it had gotten to the point where physical threats were hardly a surprise. Gerard was a terrible person but Kate wasn’t anything like him. He knew it, Derek knew she wasn’t.

 

His family was not happy to let an Argent into their home and on the dinner table. Once Kate was gone, everyone leaped for his throat. His mother hated Kate apparently and said as much. Laura told him to find someone else, someone more like himself. That’s when he lost it.

 

“You know what, you have no right. After years of pestering me to find someone you have no right to tell me what to do now that I have found someone. I don’t care about age.”

 

At this point he was too angry to stop and think just what he meant by that. Why he had brought up age when no one else had? Was he still talking about Kate? 

 

“Derek, honey it’s not that we don’t—“

 

“No mom, I want her okay? Just drop it.”

 

“Derek—“

 

“I’m going to bed.”

 

That hadn’t been the last of it, not by a long shot. Every waking moment turned into ‘Derek don’t date that woman, she is bad and just no’. 

 

Their interference only made it worse. The more they told him to stay away, the more he got pulled in. His conscious telling him he was just acting out because he didn’t want to be told what to do. Because he didn’t like being judged for what he felt.

 

But that was dangerous territory - thinking like that - so he stopped thinking altogether. Made the one mistake he would regret forever.

 

After about a month of dating Kate, his parents called him into the study one night. His father shut the door behind and asked him to sit. He knew where this was going and after an argument with Laura earlier, he was in no mood to be lectured again. But he wasn’t raised to disrespect his parents so he listened.

 

“Derek you know why we’ve called you here. Son, we love you and care about you. I know you like Kate very much but son she’s not good for you. There’s too much bad blood between our families and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

“I won’t get hurt. I am fine.”

 

“Yes, now you are but we—“

 

“Mom, please. I just, I don’t feel like talking about this tonight. Can we do this tomorrow?”

 

“Do you love her?”

 

“What?”

 

“Do. You. Love her?”

 

“Mom!”

 

“Well?”

 

“Look, I—“

 

“As long as you don’t get hurt. You’re more important to us than anything else. Just don’t get too attached, the Argents are not exactly known for their emotional ties. We just want to protect you, Son.”

 

“I know. G’night mom. Night dad.”

 

“You be good, son.”

 

And that was the last thing his parents had said to him. That was the last memory he had of them, Talia Hale leaning into Damien Hale who had an arm around his wife and looked at his son with a contended look on his face.

 

He went out for a walk that night and came back to the house burning to the ground. There were people milling about but no one from his family. His insides twisted and he felt his knees weaken as he stepped closer to the house but he was held back by someone. 

 

He didn’t have enough strength in him to resist this person but then he saw Laura running toward the house and even he couldn’t stop himself then if he wanted to. As he ran after her screaming her name, he realized that his parents must be missing for Laura to go in. And neither Peter or his wife or their daughter was anywhere to be seen. If he wasn’t running just then, he would be throwing up from the sick twisted way his gut churned.

 

He found Laura on the floor, silent and immediately assumed the worst. But there was no way he was going to let go of her without a fight so as much as he wanted to go in further to look for the others, Derek picked up his sister and walked out. The paramedics rushed them off and despite his various protests, he wasn’t allowed to leave. 

 

Somewhere along the way, he lost consciousness. It had been a long day and he didn’t want to hear bad news so maybe his system shut down to protect him. Or maybe they gave him drugs. 

 

But the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital bed with monitors beeping around him. The first thought in his head was Laura. He got up and ripped all the needles from his arms before dressing up and getting out to look for his family. He found Laura in a room down the hall and she was better now.

 

Another hour of watching her sleeping peacefully, she woke up and told him the worst news he’d ever hear.

 

“They’re all gone, Der. The doctor told me last night, everyone’s gone. But believe me, I won’t let them get away with it. Every single one of them will pay for what they’ve done to us.”

 

It wasn’t until now that he questioned the reason of the fire but even without knowing who she meant, Derek could feel rage seething inside him.

 

“Who did this?”

 

“You don’t know? Oh, Der.”

 

“Laura, who?”

 

“The Argents.”

 

And that was the moment he started hating himself. The moment he started loathing his own existence, feeling guilty about living while his family paid the price for his ignorance. But it got worse.

 

“Mum and dad called me last night, telling me what they talked to you about. They said they weren’t worried anymore because you weren’t in love with her. Dad said he could tell.”

 

“Why were they worried if I was in love with her?”

 

She didn’t say anything to that. But Derek felt a weird sensation, like he could sense her discomfort and just like that he could tell that she was lying to him. That she wasn’t telling him all there was to tell.

 

“Laura don’t you dare lie to me. Not now, please.”

 

“Der, I don’t want—“

 

“Please, Laur.”

 

“She did it. Kate did.”

 

He was caught halfway between shocked because he’d never thought she was capable of such evil and completely unsurprised because he knew she was capable of it.

 

“Why?”

 

“She went to them yesterday. After dinner, she went to them when you weren’t around and told them she was going to ruin us all. And wreck you most of all. Mom was outraged and told her to get out. She was angry because an Argent had the nerve to threaten her in her own home but she was more worried about you.”

 

He was sitting stock still concentrating on the floor as if it would open up and swallow him. Or take him back to yesterday so he could undo what he had done. Killed his own family.

 

“No, Derek stop it. I know what you’re doing but no. This wasn’t your fault.”

 

A bitter laugh escaped him when the truth of it all hit him.

 

“I let her in, Laura. I brought her into our home. I let her in.”

 

“And if you hadn’t, she would’ve found another way.”

 

“But she didn’t have to. Because I brought her right in.”

 

“And we’re still alive, we wouldn’t be here if she had done something months ago.”

 

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be alive.”

 

“Derek.”

 

“I don’t, Laura.”

 

And that was the first of a million times that Laura told him he was having survivor’s guilt. That it was just because he was here and their family wasn’t that he felt bad. That she felt like that too, sometimes.

 

And a million times he had told her it was guilt alright but not because he was alive. But because they weren’t. And it was all his fault.

 

During the trial, he saw Kate Argent for who she really was. A psychotic, sadistic monster who could play anyone. And who would’ve done anything to get what she wanted. In no way was it ever compensatory, but he did feel a little less guilty to see that she was malicious at heart and would’ve killed everyone even if he hadn’t helped her.

 

*****

 

After years of living with the guilt and the regret, he still wasn’t over it completely but it was better now. A little bit. Kate had been executed for her crimes and Derek would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy seeing her body go limp as they injected the poison in her. 

 

But her cold, smug smile still haunted him. The disdain directed at him just before they lowered her to inject her. Laura’s hand on his arm had tightened and she was looking at the floor the whole time. Not him though, he looked Kate in the eyes when she was looking at him with that smug grin. He was looking right at her as life slowly drained out of her.

 

Every single person he lost that day still lived on in his heart. He put up walls around himself to protect what little was left. He should’ve learned from the first time that matters of the heart were not his forte but the fool that he was, he dared to hope.

 

All that hope dashed to pieces now.

 

***

 

Stiles drove back in a daze and found his father sitting worriedly at the kitchen table. He stood up as soon as Stiles stepped through the door.

 

“Where have you been? I was so worried, your phone’s off.”

 

“I was at the store.”

 

“Stiles?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What is it son?”

 

“Nothing. What is what?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yup, just need some rest. But after I make a meaty/unhealthy dinner for the most dedicated Sheriff around.”

 

“If you’re not feeling okay, we can do this some other time. I’ll just order—“

 

“No, I want to. Plus I might change my mind tomorrow. Are you sure you want to take that risk?”

 

He tried to smile at his dad and he was sure what came out was the creepy, serial-killer smile. But his dad knew all about smiling for others’ benefit. When all you want to do is be alone and let the pain take over you. He recognized that look perhaps, and didn’t bring it up again as they sat down and ate a very unhealthy dinner while talking about Baseball.

 

***

 

If he said yesterday had been easy and over with now, he’d be wrong. It was far from over, all his conscious thought overcome by what had happened yesterday. Derek’s face just before he had walked away kept flashing before his eyes. 

 

Just when he thought he might find someone.

 

And all those years spent denying himself, lying to himself. He thought he was over it. He thought he was over the stupid frantic crush he had had on fifteen-year old Derek. Despite his better judgement, he had allowed himself to be reeled in again in the whirlwind that was Derek Hale. 

 

Why had he let himself believe? Why had he broken down his walls and let him in?

 

***

 

The next time he saw Derek was downtown as he was walking toward Jean’s to get his take-out order and there he was across the street. Stiles didn’t even realize he was walking toward him but when Derek looked up at him, his feet faltered and he froze in place.

 

Derek saw him. Stiles knew he did because he saw the ‘Derek-Hale-five-milisecond-display-of-emotion-that-you’ll-miss-because-you-suck-and-I’m-emotionally-constipated’. 

 

He knew Derek knew he saw him. And he turned around, got in his car and drove away not looking back at him. He stood there stuck on the sidewalk, looking at where Derek had been a second ago and just felt himself break. 

 

The last few days had been trying and he had suffered but Stiles had been through far more pain in his life. It didn’t break him then and it didn’t break him yesterday. But now he was done.

 

The next week saw him running into Derek five times around town. Every time Derek would walk away like he was invisible. And every time it hurt less and less. By the weekend, it stopped bothering him. 

 

Every time he ran into him, he’d see Derek look up and find him as recognition and a million other emotions played on his face for a mere second before he schooled it back to the mask of imdifference. Every time Stiles wished Derek would just look at him for more than two seconds and not dismiss him like they hadn’t been close once. Long time ago, yes. But he still remembered every single time they met up and how Derek would choke on his words because he talkedW so fast and he had so much to say. 

 

For years, they’d been lost and in the past month he was hopeful that maybe they’ll find each other again. But all his hopes dashed to pieces now.

 

Why couldn’t Derek just look at him once? Just long enough to see what Stiles saw every morning in the mirror? See just how far gone he was.

 

He stopped caring by the end of the week. He accepted that the past month was just a lapse from the usual way things went around Beacon Hills, Derek and Stiles being strangers who once knew each other.

 

But the next week things changed. Because Derek did look at him long enough.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sick!Stiles is coming I promise, this is the angsty bit so bear with me and tell me if you like it!


	8. Don't you ever say I just walked away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So forgive me for being a horrible person and not updating sooner. It keeps me awake at night ;)  
> Seriously though, it does. Sorry for the confusion with the comments, in my sleep-deprived state I replied to the comments on the wrong chapter. So don't mind me, I'll just be getting some shuteye in the corner.  
> PS-WE'RE GETTING A NEW SEASON!!! I'M ALMOST DEAD FROM ALL THE overwhelming information from the con. But if you wanna talk or just squeal some, come find me on tumblr: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/

Derek told himself to just get over his manpain and get back to life. His sister was here and if there was ever a time to start over, it was now. Laura had taken a job with the Mayor’s office and it wasn’t just any job. She was the second in command in Beacon Hills. Like their parents had always dreamed for her.

 

Isaac’s final year was drawing toward a close. He was applying to local colleges and telling Derek all about them. He and Erica spent hours lounging in the loft planning the prom that was a couple days away. And inadvertently, his mind would go back to Stiles.

 

He had seen Stiles around town a couple times since that day at the grocery store. It had been about a week yet every time he saw the boy, he still thought back to how Stiles had told him that yes, he kissed that girl. Derek felt pathetic every time he thought like that, felt like a high-schooler crushing on the school captain. So he looked away. He looked away and he walked away.

 

It wasn’t until Isaac came home one day with an acceptance letter to the Community College and told him about pretty much everyone leaving, that he realized that Stiles would leave too.

 

And he knew Stiles wasn’t community college material. He was MIT material. East coast, six figure salary material. And once he got out of Beacon Hills, he likely wouldn’t return. Ever.

 

That thought left him more than a little shaken. He remembered from all those years ago, Stiles talking about getting out of this town. Getting out, making it big and never coming back. To say, he was angry and nervous and lost was an understatement.

 

Seeing Stiles around town with someone else but at least happy and smiling was going to be hard. But Stiles leaving and never returning would crush him. 

 

Even though for years, they had lived as virtual strangers. Phantom people who once knew each other a long, long time ago. But now that he had had a taste, Derek wasn’t sure he could let go. And it hurts so much to want something you can’t have. He knew that from years of experience.

 

***

 

Stiles moves closer and he instinctively steps back, another step from Stiles and he was now trapped between the wall and him. Derek was about to push him back a little so he could get away but before he knew what was happening, his hands were snatched mid-air and were now being held over his head and pinned to the wall as his back arched and hit the wall too because Stiles pushed further and was now plastered across his front. Derek didn’t have to react at all, in a matter of seconds Stiles had him pinned to the wall and now as he looked up at Derek with a glint in his eyes, his leg very slowly and teasingly brushed past Derek’s thigh and pushed in between his legs just as he parted his swollen, ripe lips. 

 

Derek looked down at him from where he was restrained rather expertly not that he would’ve wanted to escape. But Stiles made sure that he couldn’t as his knee bent and at an ungodly pace creeped up toward Derek’s…

 

He woke up with a start. Oh god, that was intense. He looked down at the sheets covering his legs and peeled them away, sure enough there was a wet spot at the front of his sweats and he was achingly-not-in-a-good-way hard.

 

He leaned back a little, resting his head on the head-board and closed his eyes. It was still dark outside and the loft was silent, so was the world outside. As his head thudded back against the board, he thought to himself, ‘Why did I have to fall for him? Why him? I’ve held on for years and it was fine, now look at me. Having wet dreams like a fifteen year old. God, what am I doing?’

 

He felt heat pooling low in his stomach, the more he resisted the more he wanted to reach down and just find sweet relief. As his hand inched down, his brain insisted on playing the image of Stiles running in his lacrosse jersey, sweaty and heaving and running toward him. 

 

‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’

 

He got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom. 

 

And if he let go of himself just that once, it wasn’t anyone’s business but his.

 

***

 

The guilt trip next morning was no less fun than the sleepless night he’d had. Laura was glowering at him from across the counter while Isaac kept his head bent down like he wanted to disappear inside his bowl of cereal.

 

“What?” He finally snapped when Laura wouldn’t stop glaring.

 

“Why do you look like someone just stole your Barbie?”

 

“What?”

 

“Your face, Der. You look like someone snatched your kitten or something. Like a flower crown--”

 

“Okay. I get the point. No, I’m just a bit tired.”

 

“Bad night?”

 

“Yeah” 

 

He sighed heavily. If only she knew how bad, he was now down to dreaming about a minor and just, yeah.

 

“You could sleep in, it’s not like you have to—“

 

“No, I’m going for a run. I’ll see you later.”

 

Laura stood fixed on the spot looking after her brother as Isaac finally looked up from his cereal. 

 

“He’s not fine, Zac. He’s still mooning over that boy. I should’ve known.”

 

“It’s all my fault.”

 

“Hey, no. It’s not, you just wanted to protect him. It’s just, I should’ve seen this coming..”

 

“Seen what coming?”

 

“Remember when I told you Derek used to hang out with that kid when they were little. Well it was more than that, at least that’s what I always thought. This one time, I saw Der sneaking out of the house late at night and I followed him into the woods. And he went to that huge rock that’s on the edge of the hill looking down over the valley. He went there and he sat down, silently. I stayed for a few more minutes and then he came there. I recognized him from Derek’s sketches. He used to be really big on sketching and architecture back then and his notebook was filled with that kid’s sketches. Just poses of him laughing or talking or just sitting. 

 

Anyway, I recognized him. He went over and sat next to Derek and it was like being in an alternate reality, like the world just spun on its axis. Derek became this whole other person and even I didn’t recognize him. He started talking and he wouldn’t shut up. He told him about us, about mom and dad and uncle Peter and aunt Sarah. He started talking about how beautiful this new building they’re making in France is and how he really wants to go see it. I’d never seen him talk like that, open up like that. With anyone, not even me.  
And the kid looked at him like he was just, I don’t even know. Derek was looking down at the Valley and the kid was looking at him like he was something precious that would be taken away from him soon so he should steal all the glances he could. And Derek looked back at him just like that when he wasn’t looking. And I felt so exposed standing there, like I was looking at something intimate and it just felt so out-of-place. Like I was intruding on something. 

 

And they were just kids. But Derek was this whole other person and he said things in those ten minutes that I’d never heard him say before and never heard him say since. I wasn’t sure what it was that I was looking at but it just, I walked back home and never talked about it.

 

But a part of me knew that Derek was in love with that kid. As a fifteen year old, he had found something even I hadn’t. And people live their whole lives and die without ever getting to experience it and Derek found it with Stiles.

 

I stayed quiet and never brought it up. I did stop telling him to find someone because I truly believed that he had found his first and last someone. But it didn’t take me long to see that Derek hadn’t realized it yet. And I was shocked when he brought Kate Argent home. I mean I could see that he wasn’t in love with her, I’d seen him with Stiles and I knew. But I guess I wanted him to realize on his own so I stayed quiet. 

 

I wasn’t worried about him getting hurt because I knew he wasn’t really in love with Kate but she did wreck him, anyway. And I remember the day we went to New York, he kept looking at the phone. I knew who he was itching to call, I was there with him and there was no one else to call other than Stiles, but he didn’t. He held back and that weekend, I lost my brother. 

 

I’ve never seen him like he used to be before the fire, not since that weekend. He came back here and told me he was staying. For a while, I was hopeful that he would reach out to Stiles and I’ll get my Derek back. But weeks later when I asked him, he said he and Stiles were done. I didn’t believe him because I could see how much he was hurting in holding back, I thought he’d give in. And then one night a couple years ago, he came home drunk off his ass and told me he was never going to be that Derek again. That I should stop waiting for him to go back to being my brother before the fire.

 

I asked him about Stiles and he said to me, ‘Who the fuck is Stiles?’ And he said it with a straight face. But neat trick, when he’s drunk his mask falls a little and he gets a little behind on reactions. So the first millisecond, you can see his true reaction. And that night, he looked wrecked. He always looks wrecked, but that was pain and loss that I saw for a brief moment there. And that’s why I never brought it up again.

 

Tried to get him to come to New York with me, leave all this behind. But he refused every time. A part of me knew he was here waiting for Stiles. Funny thing is, I don’t think he knows.”

 

Isaac wasn’t sure if he heard it right but Laura’s voice trembled a bit as she said the last part. Laura Hale never cried. Or at least you didn’t see her crying. But right now, she looked like she was. Before he could get up and hold her, she spoke again.

 

“I always knew if there was someone who could get through to him, it was that kid. I mean after every single therapist on the East Coast washing his hands off Derek, I knew he could get through. But Derek seemed to have forgotten, like he had just never known him. ‘Suppression’ is what it’s called, my therapist told me. Defense mechanism so he wouldn’t get hurt. But I think it was more about not hurting Stiles. 

 

Anyway, that’s why I was so surprised when you first told me about him. I thought I might finally get my brother back. Guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

 

“Have you, uh, talked to Stiles? Ever?”

 

“Yeah, I knew him when his mother was alive. She was a good friend of my mother’s but our families lost touch when she passed away that’s why I didn’t recognize Stiles at first. But after that first time, I saw him around town a couple times and we talked sometimes. I remember I saw him and Derek in that diner once, the one downtown. I really wanted to go over and talk but then I remembered how defensive Derek had gotten when I asked him about the sketches. And then after that, the fire happened. Haven’t seen him since. But yeah, I used to baby sit for him when his mother was sick.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Hey, you didn’t know. Plus, it’s a good thing Derek knows he’s not interested. Can you imagine how much worse it would be if he had gone even further in his affections. Although I doubt there is any further to go. But, it’s not your fault you hear me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Zac, you couldn’t have done anything else okay? So just, stop thinking about it.”

 

He didn’t though, he couldn’t. At school, he saw Stiles getting out of his jeep and walking toward the building. Scott and Allison were in the parking lot across from where Stiles parked and Stiles walked past them to go in. Scott was looking at his retreating back as Stiles was walking away and he looked like he was in shock at his best friend walking away from him. Allison had her hand on his shoulder and tried to pull him back a little bit towards herself but she looked just as surprised as Isaac felt when Scott shrugged off her hand and moved away a bit. 

 

Scott walked toward the school after Stiles and for the first time that morning Isaac felt a bit better about what he’d done. At least Stiles had someone he could talk to about everything. Scott looked like he’d finally woken up from his Allison induced coma. 

 

But it wasn’t actually that simple.

 

***

 

“Stiles”

 

He heard it but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Scott had always been his best friend ever since the two had met in a playbox when they were four. And Scott will always be his best friend but for all his goodness, he was ignorant as fuck.

 

Stiles had been struggling with the Derek problem for a while now and especially the past week where he’d been able to say five words hardly but Scott like usual didn’t notice.¬ And Stiles was done with Scott’s selective memory. And his fucking ignorance and ‘everything is Allison’ phases when he’d forget everything and everyone else.

 

“Stiles, hold up.”

 

He tried to walk away, he tried. But like always, when it came to Scott he just couldn’t.

 

“Hey Scotty”

 

“Hey, didn’t you hear me?”

 

“I did Scott that’s why I stopped.”

 

“Oh right. So I have something to tell you.”

 

“About Allison?”

 

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

 

“Look, I uh, I gotta run now. We’ll talk later.”

 

“Wait Stiles, are you mad at me?”

 

“Why would I be mad at you, man?”

 

“Well, you kind of ignored me outside and now you’re running away. Are you ignoring me?”

 

“Are you seriously talking about ignoring to me? You know what, no. I’m not ignoring you, wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

“Stiles, is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“But you sound weird.”

 

“Okay, how about we go to class now and talk during lunch? How’s that sound?”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

He spent the next three hours trying to tell his brain to calm the fuck down and not be mad at Scott. It wasn’t his fault that Stiles’ life was a big crap-ground for the universe. Okay, so he was a lost puppy on the best of days but the guys was in love. At least one of them was happy, he figured.

 

Lunch came around faster than he could’ve gotten ready for. But then again no amount of time could prepare him for what Scott threw at him.

 

***

 

“Hey man, you wanna go to the locker room for a second?”

 

“Oh come on Scott, whatever you have to say to me I’m sure no one wants to eavesdrop.”

 

“Please Stiles.”

 

“Yeah okay”

 

In all fairness it was a good thing that Scott had gotten him to come to the locker room. His reaction would hardly have gone unnoticed in the lunch room.

 

“Stiles, you should sit down.”

 

“Scott you’re scaring me. What is it?”

 

“Just sit down okay?”

 

“Yeah okay, just tell me.”

 

“Look, I’m sorry for ignoring you for the last couple days. I know I’m a shitty friend and I forget about you sometimes but I was just, we were both so lost. We still are.”

 

“Scott buddy, just tell me what happened?”

 

“Allison’s pregnant.”

 

“Uhhhhmm ohh right okaaay.”

 

“Yeah. We still haven’t told anyone.”

 

“Seeing as how you’re standing here right now and not buried somewhere in the woods is kind of a sign that Mr. Argent doesn’t know yet.”

 

“Yeah, neither does my mom.”

 

“Okay this is, I don’t know man this is too much. Like I’m sure I’m getting a panic attack any second now.”

 

“Stiles, are you okay? I can get—“

 

“No Scott I’m fine. For now. So no one knows. Okay.”

 

“And I need to tell mom. And then Mr. Argent. I’m so scared man.”

 

“Shoulda thought of that before you put—ah never mind. So, you and Allison talk about y’know are you going to keep it or?”

 

Scott looked like a kicked puppy, well excuse him.

 

“Don’t look at me like that. You’re about to bring a tiny person into this world. Are you ready for it?”

 

“I don’t know Stiles.”

 

“Well now would be a good time to know.”

 

“I don’t know we’re just—“

 

“You should know. What are you going to do? Marry and raise a kid? Bring him to school with you? Mr. Harris will totally give you a detention if your kid cries during Chemistry. And then you’ll have to give him up for adoption. What if it can’t find a good foster home—“

 

“Stiles!”

 

“Stiles are you okay?”

 

“What? Yeah I’m okay but what are you gonna do?”

 

“I don’t know man. I just, I wanted to tell you first.”

 

“Yeah thanks buddy. Although I’m pretty sure I’m getting an aneurism right now.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. So, how are you going to tell your mom?”

 

“I don’t know, we’ll tell her today I think.”

 

“Yeah? You need any help?”

 

“I’m not sure what I’m gonna do but thanks man.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m not blind Stiles, I can see something’s bothering you. And you’re still helping me.”

 

“Na, it’s nothing. You’ve got bigger fish to fry right now.”

 

“Hey, I can help.”

 

“No, you can’t. No one can.”

 

“Stiles, what happened?”

 

“I just, I don’t know.”

 

“Is you dad okay?”

 

“What? Yeah, he’s okay. It’s something else.”

 

“Oh man, you’ve got that look on your face.”

 

“What look?”

 

“The-I’ve-got-a-ten-year-plan-to-woo-Lydia-Martin-but-it’s-not-working-out-look.”

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“Come on man, I thought you were over her. Are you relapsing?”

 

“No, I’m not relapsing. It’s not her. It’s, It’s Derek.”

 

“Derek Hale, Derek?”

 

“How many Dereks do we know?”

 

“Yeah but, why are you talking to him for?”

 

“I’m not. Not anymore.”

 

“Okay now you’re scaring me. What happened?”

 

“What happened is that I have a stupid brain. And an even stupider heart, like it jumps out of control at even the slightest mention of that grumpy, sourass. And then he showed up at that game and I lost it, after you guys left I had a panic attack and Lydia - the goddess that she is - kissed me.”

 

“Wait, what—I thought we were talking about Derek. What? Lydia kissed you?”

 

“Yeah, to stop the attack. It was a kiss of the survival kind and not the romantic kind. And then Jackson punched me but then I—“

 

“Jackson punched you? Why didn’t you—“

 

“It’s okay Scott, he apologized.” Stiles said with a huge grin on his face because if there was anyone Scott and Stiles hated more than Mr. Harris, it was Jackson Whittemore. But Scott didn’t return his grin, instead he looked like he was really worried. See, he was a good friend.

 

“Anyway, Derek found out somehow and he got mad. Now, he hasn’t talked to me all week. I’ve run into him a couple times and he just walks past me. I mean he didn’t even listen to me at all. It’s been driving me nuts but I’m better now.”

 

Scott looked like Mr. Harris had just asked him the molecular formula of a hardcore polyester.

 

“Why does Derek care if you kissed Lydia? And He’s not talking to you? Since when have you cared if Derek Hale talked to you or not?”

 

“Since I fell in love with him when I was ten.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“It just, it was a thing.”

 

“A thing?”

 

“Yeah back when we were kids and still talked. Before his house burned down.”

 

“And you forgot to mention that all these years?”

 

“I thought I was over him.”

 

“And?”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Oh my god. Does your dad know?”

 

“What do you think?”

 

“Oh god Stiles, why do you have to fall for the hard ones?”

 

“Oh I fell Scotty. I fell real hard but I thought I was done. Turns out, it’s even worse than with Lydia.”

 

“Worse than Lydia?” Scott asked in a scared whisper as if he was staring at a death eater right now.

 

“Yeah”

 

“What are you gonna do?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Your dad’s going to kill you.”

 

“Thanks for the support Scott.”

 

“No, I mean he will when he finds out.”

 

“I don’t think he will. Derek’s not talking to me and we’re back to ignoring each other like we had been all those years. It’s just that, I thought I might have a chance. But he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

 

“Oh Stiles, I don’t know what to say man. I mean he’s not exactly the nicest person around.”

 

“I know Scott, believe me I know. But just how he looks at me now, like I don’t matter. Like I never mattered. It’s like he’s telling me he doesn’t care if I walk in front of a car right now. It’s just, so unreal and hurtful after he came to the game and just yeah. But I’m okay now, I’m done is what I am.”

 

“You sure you’ll be fine?”

 

“Yeah. It was my fault giving in when I shouldn’t have. Just because we got along when we were kids doesn’t mean we can be anything more. I am done with Derek Hale. Forever. He’s gone.”

 

“You’ll be fine, Stiles. You deserve much better than him.”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“Yeah, of course you do.”

 

“So forget about me, think about how you’re gonna tell Allison’s dad.”

 

***

 

But Scott didn’t forget about it. After the guilt trip about forgetting about Stiles for the past week, he was on a ‘I’m his best friend roll’ and Jackson Whittemore was going down for hurting Stiles.

 

“McCall, what are you doing?”

 

“How stupid can you be? After the game, you hit Stiles. He was having a panic attack.”

 

“Yeah well I didn’t know that when I saw him kissing my girlfriend.”

 

“Actually Lydia kissed him because HE WAS HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK.”

 

“McCall, Whittemore detention.” Adrian Harris snarled at them. Of course he would be hanging around waiting for an opportunity to send Scott to detention.

 

“Look, we settled that okay?”

 

“Don’t you dare hurt him again or I’ll rip you apart.”

 

“Defending your damsel’s honour, McCall?”

 

“You rich snot, I’m going to--”

 

“Okay, enough.” Lydia stepped in and shot them each a warning glare that settled Jackson more than it did Scott but he did back away. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement and saw Isaac run hurriedly out of the lunch room. He wondered what that was about.

 

***

 

Just when he thought he’d lost it all, hit rock-bottom Isaac found him. Well, not found him found him but called him.

 

“Derek, Stiles didn’t kiss Lydia. She kissed him.”

 

“Isaac? What the fuck are you saying? Where are you?”

 

“I’m at school right now and I heard Scott and Jackson fighting and Scott said Lydia kissed Stiles—“

 

“Why are you calling me? I told you I’m done with Stiles.”

 

“No, you don’t get it. He was having a panic attack and that’s why Lydia kissed him.”

 

Silence.

 

“Derek?”

 

“You there?”

 

“You’re not supposed to do that when someone’s having an attack.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re supposed to let the person breathe. Not get in their way.”

 

“Look, I don’t know about that but I just heard that’s why she did it.”

 

“Isaac I don’t—“

 

“You have to talk to him.”

 

“About what?”

 

“About everything. I, Laura told me this morning about you and him. I just saw him looking like a resurrected corpse. And Stiles never looks like that. You need to talk to him.”

 

Derek hung up when he heard that.

 

Stiles hadn’t kissed that girl.

 

Derek still hadn’t told him how he felt but at least he wasn’t with someone.

 

And he’ll be damned if he didn’t ask first this time.

 

***

 

And that’s why Derek Hale was parked right outside the main gate the minute school let out. 

 

Stiles got out of his last class and saw more than usual levels of commotion in the halls. Whatever, he couldn’t care less. 

 

As he made his way to his locker, he saw people blocking the huge ceiling to floor windows. They were staring at something outside. On a closer look, he realized all these people were girls. And the guys were hanging back and muttering. Some of them were moving toward the windows too.

 

What the fuck. Stiles was never one to let go of a good mystery. He shoved and nudged his way to one of the windows and the sight that greeted him was Derek Hale in his trademark leather jacket and dark jeans, leaning against his Camaro with his aviators on.

 

He looked like he was posing for a magazine cover and the bastard looked perfect.

 

No wonder all the girls were swooning and the guys cursing. 

 

Stiles made his way to his locker. Why the hell was he even here? When he came to pick Isaac up before, he always parked on the street or in the parking so why was he parked right in front of the school today?

 

“Like I could give a fuck.”

 

Stiles muttered as he shouldered his way out of the building. There was no one out there.

 

Everyone was still stuck to the windows when he looked up toward the building. Fucking idiots.

 

He turned back around and started walking down the stairs. 

 

Derek pushed up away from where he was leaning on the car and stood up straight.

 

Right, he was just going to keep walking and not stop and get to his jeep.

 

“Stiles”

 

Shit . Don’t stop.

 

“Stiles”

 

Fuck.

 

“What do you want?”

 

“I just, I need. I, uh—“

 

“You know what, never mind. I don’t have time for this. I’m outta here.”

 

“Wait. I want to—“

 

“Shove it.”

 

And with that eloquent last word, Stiles made his way toward his jeep. He heard the door opening behind him and the sound of rowdy teenagers being let out of day-prison. But it was all quiet footsteps and no talking, what? Were they all mute now? Whatever, it’s not like he cared.

 

Just as he was about to get into his jeep, he heard the tell tale sound of tires squeaking on concrete and the revving of an engine as a car passed him by in a blur of black. Well, so much for being done with Derek Hale.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you can see I put in the littlest bit of smut in there as a reward to you all for holding on. I promise there will be enough when the story calls for it which is really close from where we are now so hang on!


	9. Been far away for far too long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a midterm tomorrow so obviously I'm writing fan-fiction right now. Anyhow, another 5k chapter, hope y'all like it. Please leave a comment, they are literally like life-support to me!

Stiles wasn’t sure what had just happened. Derek Hale – who had been avoiding him for a week – came to the school and parked right in front of the gate waiting for him to come out. While the rest of the school stayed back and chose to creep around the windows. Girls were literally plastered to the ceiling to floor windows and just this side of licking the glass as a substitute of licking Derek.

 

He found himself getting unreasonably angry at that image and just no. He wasn’t going there anymore. Derek had gone around town avoiding him, acting like he was invisible and there was no way Stiles was just going to roll over and take it. Whatever it was that he wanted, Stiles didn’t wanna hear it.

 

The last week had been an angry reminder of that time when Derek had turned him away after the fire. Of that time when he had lost his mother and he didn’t want to be around anytime. In the future this one week would be a reminder of an unhappy time too like all those times. And Derek put him through it, again. 

 

There was no way he was going to let him in again. Make himself vulnerable to Derek.

 

He silently drove home and laid down on the couch because his head was giving him grief again. He had had regular headaches for days now and there’s only so much Advil he could take without his dad noticing. That’s when it hit him. 

 

His mom used to take a lot of Advil. Without telling his dad. Before he finally figured it out and took her to the hospital. And they found out she was sick.

 

Stiles rushed to the bathroom and emptied out his lunch and as he was dry heaving next to the toilet bowl, he realized just how much he didn’t want to leave his dad alone. How much he didn’t want him to hurt, to go through it all once again and lose his son.

 

Tears were streaming down his face as he popped an Advil on an empty stomach and forced himself to keep it down. He went upstairs to his room and curled up on the bed thinking of how broken his dad would be if Stiles was sick. He fell asleep like that, curled in on himself with a wet pillow and a wetter face.

 

***

 

Derek drove away in a hurry and the way he had slammed the Camaro’s door as Stiles walked away from him was all too tell-tale for Isaac to assume that the talk didn’t go very well. Stiles had walked away from Derek and turned around once he was gone to look up at all the people crowding the windows and then got into his ratty old jeep and driven away too.

 

As he stood next to the window surrounded by girls and guys alike making sounds he never wanted to hear in context to Derek, he realized how crushed Derek must be. And if his brooding and moping in the last week was anything to go by, he was in for another pissed off-pining-pretending he’s okay Derek Hale week. 

 

He called Laura the second he got out of the swimming bodies hallway.

 

She wasn’t pleased.

 

“So he drove away in a hurry?”

 

“Yeah, while Stiles was walking toward his car he slammed the door real hard and drove away.”

 

“Slamming the door, that’s an omen if I ever saw one.”

 

“And Stiles got out of here pretty fast too. He looked really pissed at Derek, to be honest.”

 

“Well, he was always a feisty kid.”

 

“What do we do, Laur?”

 

“You go home and study, I’ll talk to him.”

 

“Are you sure? I can help.”

 

“Zack, I told you stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Those two have a habit of dancing around each other and fucking up. Plus, he’s not gonna wanna talk so it’ll basically be me physically extracting emotion out of him.”

 

“Okay. Let me know if something happens.”

 

“’kay, I will but you and Erica should think about your prom and not my brother’s broody emotional constipation.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’ll call you once I get him to spill. Bye now.”

 

“Bye.”

 

***

 

Why did it always come down to Derek’s incapability to express himself? How come he’d never learnt to say what he felt?  
Even as a kid, if he had just said what he felt, what he wanted, the whole Kate fiasco never would have happened. Not that Laura blamed him for even one second.

 

She had lost her entire family that day too but no matter how much anger or pain she had to work through, she never blamed Derek for anything. She knew Kate Argent and that woman would have gotten in one way or another. 

 

It was their misfortune that she took a vulnerable Derek with her. 

 

The boy who used to be so passionate about building homes. Building warm homes like theirs was.

 

She took him down with her. Laura didn’t just lose her family that day, she lost her brother too.

 

And what remained was this empty shell of a man. A sorry reminder of the little brother she grew up with.

 

If Stiles could so much as get Derek to remember what it was like before she came, Laura would move heaven and earth to get those two to talk. And who was she kidding, Stiles could probably get Derek to forgive himself for the fire and finally leave the guilt behind.

 

It wasn’t going to be easy to get Derek to talk. It never was. But she could be quite a bitch when she really wanted something. 

 

This, she had been yearning since the day she saw the look of hurt and worthlessness on Derek’s face in the hospital.

 

“What?”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“What do you want Laura?”

 

“Zack just called me.”

 

“And?”

 

“Didn’t go too well?”

 

“That all?”

 

“Der”

 

“No, it didn’t.”

 

“So, what are you gonna do now?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“You’re just giving up?”

 

“What do you want me to do, kidnap him?”

 

“Well, you could but given his dad’s position I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

 

“…”

 

“Joking, I was joking. But seriously, you can’t give up. I mean you have to say sorry at least.”

 

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

 

“When has that stopped me from hunting you down? Just go find him.”

 

“No, I don’t wan—“

 

“Look, you’ve known this kid so long and after all this time you’re finally ready to tell him and you’re just gonna give up so easily?”

 

“What would you have me do?”

 

“I don’t know, go stalk him or something. I mean you’ve already been doing that for weeks so you must know where he is.”

 

“What?”

 

“I know you were stalking him, the creeper that you are. Just go find him and make him listen. Then at least you can say you tried.”

 

“But he’s—“

 

“Just go find him. Please.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Well, there. Now, was that so hard? She leaned back into her chair and strapped in for another all-nighter at the Mayor’s office because this town was going down if she didn’t correct all the blunders the previous guy had made at the job.

 

Why hadn’t anyone noticed earlier? The guy was practically stealing tax money for a decade. And it had taken a robbery for the Mayor to wake up and realize he was being ripped off. This freaking town.

 

***

 

Laura was right. Derek had known Stiles for years and after the eight year slump, they were finally talking again. He wasn’t about to give up so easily, he should try at least once. 

 

He drove over to Stiles’ house and frowned when the ratty blue jeep was missing from it’s usual spot on the street. The driveway was empty too and he knew for a fact that they didn’t have a garage. Where the heck was Stiles so late and on a school night.

 

Just as a back-up, he called Isaac as he drove around town looking for the jeep. When he didn’t pick up Derek tossed the phone on the seat while driving around to the gas station to see if he could find Stiles there.

 

His phone vibrated from the seat next to him just as he was pulling into the Dalloway’s parking.

 

“Derek sorry I was on the phone.”

 

“It’s okay, I was just calling to let you know I’m going after Stiles. He’s not home and I was just dri—“

 

“He’s at the 24-hour store trying to buy Rum.”

 

Now, despite what the driver behind him tells you it was not Derek’s fault that he slammed the brakes to the ground the second he heard that. He wasn’t even sure what had happened till he heard the car behind him honking exaggeratedly. His own head had swung dangerously close to the windshield when the car had skidded to a halt in the middle of the road. 

 

There was an insistent knock on his window and the guy standing there was looking like he wanted to blow a gasket. But Derek’s glare made him retreat and go back to his car silently.

 

Quite honestly, he didn’t give a fuck if he wasn’t liked by one extra person today.

 

“Derek? Derek, you there? Hey, what happened?”

 

“Where are you? How do you know this?”

 

“Oh, I met Scott and he told me Stiles was going to buy rum. I’m actually really close to the store now do you want me to—“

 

“I’m driving over, come if you want.”

 

And with that he hung up and sped toward the store. He could still feel the adrenaline from the rush back there, his heart was pounding in his ears and he could feel blood flowing through him at his finger tips and it wasn’t a pleasant sensation, the little prickling at his fingertips.

 

But he really didn’t bother about any of that and just raced toward the store. When he got there three minutes later, he saw Stiles lurking around near the front entrance probably trying to be subtle but the way he was leaning against the wall and losing his balance every fourth second made him stick out like a sore thumb.

 

Derek skidded to a stop a little ways away so Stiles couldn’t see the car or him and he didn’t until Derek walked up behind him.

 

“Your father know you’re here?”

 

***

 

Stiles forced himself up out of the bed and went downstairs to eat something. His stomach was so empty he could feel the walls of his belly, and the throwing up wasn’t helping much. The Advil had worked while he was asleep and the headache was now a barely there dull throb. Wasn’t completely gone though.

 

As he stood there heating up last night’s dinner, his mind went back to his mother lying sick in a hospital bed and how she withered away slowly until one day she was gone and Stiles was left holding on to her limp hand while the nurses rushed around him. His dad hadn’t come until five minutes later and in those minutes he had felt this incredible sense of loneliness.

 

He was truly alone in those five minutes. A nine year old holding on to his dead mother’s hand while the hospital staff worked around him. When his dad showed up, he took Stiles in his arms and held on so tight that the numbness made him forget for a while. 

 

The thought of leaving his dad to go through that again shook him and brought him back to reality where he was frying meat in a pan while waiting for his dad to come home. His head was still not completely okay. The Advil was not enough.

 

He felt a panic attack coming on, not for the first time that day, and forced himself to focus on the pan. He knew he needed to vent out and soon, if he didn’t want to snap at an unfortunate time. 

 

He sat down at the table and wolfed down his food in five minutes before changing and running out to his jeep. He needed to be numb. So he could forget once more.

 

Maybe for just one night but it was enough. For today, it was.

 

He drove to the gas station to see if the guy there could be bribed into selling rum to the Sheriff’s son, he learned that he’d have to be ‘the stupidest ass motherfucker to do that’ and no he wasn’t.

 

Scott called him when he was walking back to his jeep after being laughed at by the gas station clerk. He suggested Stiles should try the 24-hour store outside town. 

 

“I love you, Scott. I’m not even kidding, when I get back I’m gonna propose and you better say yes.”

 

“Shut up, dude. That’s how the rumors started.”

 

“I don’t care, Scotty. You’re the love of my life. My moon and my stars. My—“

 

“Yeah, yeah I get the point.”

 

“But you are. Anyway, tell your mom yet?”

 

“I think she knows.”

 

“What?”

 

“I think she figured it out. She wanted me to call your dad and you over. I told her you were busy on an assignment but your dad’s still coming. That’s why I called actually.”

 

“Thanks man, I really want to be alone tonight.”

 

“Stiles, are you okay? You want me to come over?”

 

“No Scotty, I think I’ve got it. I should be asking you that right now.”

 

“Na, I’m okay. We’ll be fine. But are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“Yes, Scott. I just need to be alone for a while. I’ll just be getting the rum and go for a walk in the Preserve maybe. I’ll be fine.”

 

“Is it that Derek thing?”

 

“No, there is no Derek thing. I told you I’m done. I just need to sort some things.”

 

“What? Alone?”

 

“I haven’t been to the Preserve in a while so.”

 

“On your super secret walks? Yeah, I noticed.”

 

“Hey, I’ll be fine and if you need any help or back up or anything, just call me okay?”

 

“I always do.”

 

“You’re always supposed to.”

 

“I know. So I’ll see you later.”

 

“Yeah, see ya.”

 

“Take care, Stiles.”

 

“Buddy, thanks for your concern but I think you need to take more care right now. Mr. Argent’s probably gonna shoot you in the ass with his arrows if your mom doesn’t kill you first. Or my dad doesn’t arrest you.”

 

“You just had to say that, right?”

 

“Just sayin’ it how it is sugar.”

 

“Oh god, just go please and be careful.”

 

“You too, Scotty boy.”

 

Well, that went well. His dad was going to be busy with ‘Teenage Mom’ over at the McCalls. He could fulfill his desires tonight, get drunk off his ass and just forget.

 

When he got out of the car he saw a tall, blond boy leaning against the wall and he got an idea. No one would sell alcohol to a Sheriff’s son but they would surely sell to random guy with enough money. He walked over and waved a ten in front of the guy and grinned his creepy serial-killer smile.

 

“How would you like to make ten bucks?”

 

The guy looked like he would bury a body for ten bucks. Well, not today Stiles thought.

 

As he leaned against the wall where the guy was a minute ago, he looked around and tried to look like he belonged. Another five minutes and he walked around a bit to check if the guy was still in there or he’d dodged from the back door. The guy was walking toward the register. Oh, thank god. Looks like Stiles would be hammered in the next ten minutes. 

 

So of course that’s when he heard him. 

 

“Your father know you’re here?”

 

He turned around abruptly to find Derek standing behind him with his hands in his stupid leather jacket. His eyebrows were raised and he didn’t look so good. Well, small victories.

 

“Don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

 

He turned around again and looked toward the door where the guy should be getting out any second. So that’s his excuse about why he didn’t feel Derek moving behind him. The next thing he knew his shirt was being yanked from behind and then he was pushed back and hello Derek Hale’s abs pressed against his skinny torso. 

 

His back was digging into the uneven wall as Derek held him against it with his hand in Stiles’ shirt while he seriously defied the principle of Personal Space. 

 

He was so close that Stiles could feel his breath on his cheeks and his chest was flush against Derek’s. And he had no idea where to look because Derek was everywhere. And he was staring at Stiles. 

 

He stood like that for a while and then something snapped. Stiles wasn’t sure what but all he felt was a breeze of cold air across his body when Derek stepped back and let his shirt go. Or perhaps it was the lack of heat that Derek's body was radiating like Stiles’ laptop charger after one of his blogging spells.

 

He was disoriented for a moment as he got used to Derek not being pressed up against him and staring at his lips like he wanted to swallow Stiles whole. 

 

“You think he’d be proud, Sheriff’s son buying alcohol illegally?”

 

“You didn’t have a problem with it when you were fifteen.”

 

Derek looked at him with a look that he couldn’t even begin to decode. There was a sort of betrayal on his face like Stiles shouldn’t have referred to his drunk days. There was certainly surprise probably about how bold Stiles was being.

 

But then there was something in his eyes, like when someone smiles and their eyes crinkle. It was like he was glad Stiles had mentioned something from their friendship, he was glad Stiles remembered it. Like he could ever forget.

 

“That was differen—“

 

“How?”

 

“I think you should go home.”

 

“I think you should go home.”

 

And tall, blond guy decided to come out with a paper bag in his hand. He stopped in his tracks when he spotted Derek. 

 

“Hand it over.”

 

“Don’t you dare, I paid you for that.”

 

Derek was looking at the guy silently. He didn’t even have his HaleTM glare on but the guy was looking pretty convinced.

 

“I paid you, dude.”

 

The guy looked over at him and Stiles thought he had him. Oh yes, convincing skills- still sharp.

 

And then Derek held out his hand in front him without a single word and the guy handed him the bottle and walked away without one word or look to Stiles. 

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

 

He shook his head and looked down toward the ground to curse some more when he felt a hand shooting out toward him. Before he could react, Derek put something in his pocket and stepped back. It was the ten dollar bill he’d given the guy.

 

Of course, he gave the money back to Derek. Of course he walked away empty-handed.

 

He looked up finally to find Derek still standing there looking at him with the bottle clutched to his chest. He nodded his head a bit when his eyes met Stiles’.

 

“I need to talk to you about something. That day after the—“

 

“I don’t want to talk to you about anything.”

 

“Stiles, please just listen—“

 

“Did you listen when I asked you to?”

 

“I know and I’m—“

 

“Stiles? What are you doing here so late?”

 

‘Oh great. Looks like this is the spot for the older, hot, unavailable guys to congregate tonight.’ Stiles thought to himself as Deputy Parish walked toward him and stopped next to him only to move a little closer putting himself between Stiles and Derek.

 

Now, if he didn’t know better he would’ve thought he saw Derek step back in shock and look absolutely fuming at the Deputy’s action but then again everything he thought he knew was being challenged these days so he turned his attention toward the man looking at him questioningly.

 

“Oh, I was just getting some things. Ms. Dalloway closed early tonight.”

 

“You should’ve gone to the gas station, this area is not safe you know that.”

 

His look shot at Derek when he said the ‘not safe’ part amused and annoyed Stiles in equal measures. Derek was still looking too angry to react.

 

“Yeah I just drove here straight.”

 

“Is John home? I could call him—“

 

“No, that’s okay. He’s busy with something else I’ll be fine.”

 

“You know what, why don’t I drop you home.”

 

“I have my car, it’s okay Noah.”

 

He thought he heard a grunt.

 

“Okay so I’ll go with you then, get my car later.”

 

“No really, it’s okay. You can just go ahead.”

 

“I insist. Do you need a moment?” He asked looking between him and Derek.

 

“Stiles—“

 

“No.”

 

That’s when he finally turned around and faced Derek. And Derek Hale did not look pleased, actually he looked like he was going to pound on Deputy Parish any second. 

 

“You know what, why don’t you come home with me? Dad’s not going to be home for a while and I’m guessing you haven’t had dinner yet.” 

 

He turned around at that and Derek was practically seething right now. Stiles wasn’t sure who his glare was directed at anymore. But either way, as much as he would enjoy a duel between the good Deputy and Derek, he wasn’t going to stand there and make things worse. It was literally so combustible right then, the mood felt like something was just about to explode in their faces.

 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

 

“Wait, don’t you want to buy anything?”

 

“That’s okay, I was gonna buy a frozen meal but this really nice guy just offered me home cooked dinner.”

 

He said it with this blinding smile, even his eyes were twinkling, that Stiles was sure if he wasn’t completely gone on Derek he would be falling in love with Noah right now.

 

Noah.

 

He could get used to that.

 

“You’re too kind.”

 

“How are you still underage, again?”

 

“Actually I’m eighteen.”

 

That was the last thing he said as Noah started walking toward the jeep and Stiles followed him. He didn’t turn around even though every last bit of him wanted to.

 

Just to see how Derek looked, just once to know once and for all if Derek Hale did in fact feel even 1% of how he felt.

 

But he didn’t. Not until they got into the car. And then when he turned his head to look, Derek was gone.

 

“Oh god, I’m a horrible person.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Nothing. Just talking to myself.”

 

“Yeah, your dad mentioned you do that.”

 

“Oh come on, he’s telling everyone now.”

 

“No, just me. I asked.”

 

He wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

 

Deputy Parish asking his dad about Stiles. His dad telling him.

 

So he just silently drove to his house. It was a rather quiet dinner focused largely on Marvel vs. DC.

 

***

 

When she got home that night, she could hear a loud thud from the elevator. She didn’t like the sound of that at all. Rushing toward the loft door, she ran in and almost walked over broken glass on the floor.

 

Derek was standing near the window breathing heavily and a lot of broken things around him.

 

“Derek what happened?”

 

“Nothing”

 

“Do you usually break all the furniture when nothing happens?”

 

“Just leave.”

 

“We both know that’s not happening.”

 

“Fine, I’ll go.”

 

“Derek Lee Hale, you stop right where you are. I’ve had enough of your childish behavior. I know you love that boy and I’m pretty sure he loves you even more. So what’s the problem?”

 

“The problem Laura is that he doesn’t.”

 

“He told you that?”

 

“No, but he went home with another guy while I was trying to talk to him.”

 

“What guy?”

 

“It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t want me.”

 

“Okay here’s the thing Derek. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen anyone as far gone as he is on you. And before you say anything, yes I did stalk him. And you have no room to argue because you’ve practically been living on his street for weeks. So, don’t tell me he doesn’t love you. You just have to try harder.”

 

“I just told you he went home with someone else. What else do you want me to do?”

 

“Someone else who?”

 

“He’s the new deputy, works for his dad.”

 

“So? He was doing his boss a favor. Zack said you went to the liquor-store after him and that’s a shady area. So he helped him home.”

 

“Just don’t.”

 

“Mom would’ve loved him. And Uncle Peter. I just, if I wasn’t here, if I was gone too, you’d think 'Laura would’ve have liked him and gotten along with him'. But I am here so give me a chance to like him. Me and Zack are all you’ve got, so share him with us. Get him, Derek.”

 

“I told you Laura, he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Not anymore. It just never works out for me.”

 

“I know it feels like the whole world is against you. Good, ‘cuz it wouldn’t be fair otherwise.” 

 

“Laura”

 

“I saw him Derek, before the fire. You two in the woods. And yesterday, he hasn’t changed. He is still in love with you, I know. He’s just hurt that you didn’t listen to him when he tried to explain.”

 

“But we haven’t even had a proper conversation about anything. I don’t know if he even knows—“

 

“Sometimes you don’t need words. Sometimes some people are beyond speaking when words are clearly not enough.”

 

“So what should I do?”

 

“Apologize.”

 

“But he doesn’t want to listen to me.”

 

“Make him listen. Once, just once tell him and make sure he listens.”

 

“How?”

 

“You’re smart Derek, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

 

She carefully walked toward her room to finally get some sleep.

 

“Oh and Derek, remember what Uncle Peter used to say? Life’s a bitch. Your bitch.”

 

She heard him groaning as she closed the door behind her and made her way to the bed. If his brother was going to give up, she was gonna make damn sure that Stiles at least knew he wasn’t the only fool in love.

 

***

 

“Is there something you want to tell me, Stiles?”

 

He groaned as his dad switched on the light and stood next to his bed looking down at him expectantly. He had been sleeping peacefully for—hold on—three hours and now his dad was asking him trick questions and also expected a coherent answer.

 

“Loki just came out as bisexual?”

 

“I’m not joking Stiles.”

 

“Oh come on dad, it’s three in the morning.”

 

“Well?”

 

“I don’t know, let’s see Allison’s pregnant. But I guess you already knew that ‘cuz that’s where you were all night-the Parents commission of Beacon Hills.”

 

“Alright. Let’s do this my way. Why was Derek Hale talking to you in front of a liquor store?”

 

Fuck.

 

“Well dad it’s not just a liquor store, it’s a grocery store.”

 

“And you were buying groceries there?”

 

“Yeah for dinner. Didn’t your deputy tell you that?”

 

“Whoa, hold up. Noah was there?”

 

“Meep.”

 

“Stiles”

 

“I thought he told you.”

 

“No, he didn’t. I heard about it at the gas station. Some guy talking about a pale, gangly kid arguing with Derek Hale.”

 

“There was no arguing.”

 

“Stiles, I know you’re smart. Just use your damn brain, kid.”

 

“Dad it was just—“

 

“I know you used to be friends before the fire. But he’s not the same person, son. That boy is like a disease, you’re just gonna end up getting hurt.”

“Did you seriously just quote Cowboy Casanova?”

 

“Stiles”

 

“Yes dad, I know.”

 

“And?”

 

“And what?”

 

“Stay away from him, Stiles.”

 

“I plan to.”

 

“Good night, son.”

 

“Night, dad.”

 

After his dad was gone and the movements from across the hall ceased, he finally let out a breath.

 

“But he’s not what’s going to hurt me, dad.”

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, ladies and gentlemen Sick!Stiles. It's going to be more focused on in the next chapter. Also sexytimes coming soon. Leave a comment!


	10. I'm just the same as I was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being a dick and not updating earlier, I am lazy and I should be ashamed. But, the chapter's here now. Also, I was planning this to be a longer chapter and the last one but this is basically the first part of the last chapter. I'm hoping I'll update again in a couple days before the weekend ends, but we'll see. Enjoy! And please comment, cheers!

The headaches got worse the next day, he had to stock up on Aspirin just so he could stay still long enough to finish school. And the bastard that Mr. Harris was, didn’t let him go to the bathroom. And he wasn’t going to take any pills in front of Scott, he was already suspicious.

 

Stiles was having a hard time hiding away from his dad and Scott. All the while college applications were pending and he wasn’t sure if he should apply to schools in California only or look for somewhere like New York or Virginia where there was no Derek Hale or his dad to hide his illness from. And while he was struggling with all this, Scott’s biggest worry was buying a suit for Prom. Of course, all he could think of was Allison. Stiles had long ago been replaced in his life.

 

And yet Scott looked at him with betrayal in his eyes when Coach asked Stiles where he was going for college and he answered New York. Stiles wasn’t sure why he had said that really because he hadn’t decided yet. But for some reason when Coach asked that’s what came to mind. And the second he blurted that out, Scott turned to look at him as if he had gone behind his back and kissed Allison.

 

Like Scott had kissed Lydia. 

 

Stiles scoffed to himself thinking he would never hurt Scott like that. But whatever, what’s said is said. Although Scott kept looking at him till the bell rang as Stiles pretended he didn’t notice.

 

As soon as they got out of the class, Scott pulled him aside and dragged him to the washroom. Stiles tried to go along with it just so he didn’t spill that he had seen Scott kissing Lydia.

 

“What the hell Stiles? When were you going to tell me? Why are you going to New York?”

 

“Just leave it, Scott.”

 

“No, I’m not going to leave it. Does your dad know? What does he think?”

 

“No, I haven’t told him yet. I’m still—“

 

“What is wrong with you? You’ve been so quiet all week, is this about the game tonight? Is this about Derek Hale again?”

 

“No. I told you I’m still dec—“

 

“No, you didn’t tell me. Why wouldn’t you? I thought you wanted to go to Berkley.”

 

“I haven’t decided yet Scott.”

 

“So then why did you tell Coach you were going to New York?”

 

“It just came out that way.”

 

“You were thinking about it that’s why you said it. What is happening Stiles? Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You can tell me, I’m always here.”

 

“Are you, Scott?”

 

“What?”

 

“I get it that you have a pregnant girlfriend. I get it. But even long before that I lost you. I could be dying and all you’d be worried about is Allison didn’t call me last night or that Allison didn’t look at me during lab. You replaced me long ago so no, Scott. You’re not always there. You’re never there.”

 

“Stiles, I—“

 

“And you kissed Lydia. You love Allison but that didn’t stop you from kissing her, did it?”

 

“Stiles—“

 

“Just leave it, Scott.”

 

Stiles pushed open the bathroom door to leave just as Jackson and his troop of baboons was passing by and with his signature snide smile Jackson turned toward the door to yell,

“Having a little domestic, boys?”

 

“Fuck off, Jackson.”

 

“Ooh, touchy touchy Stilinski.”

 

He didn’t wait around to hear anymore. Jackson was an asshole and Stiles was probably the most impatient person ever, so the worst combination in forever.

 

Hopefully, Scott would just drop the topic and everything would go about as normal.

 

It didn’t.

 

***

 

“He’s going away to New York for school.”

 

Derek was reading his second Agatha Christie mystery for the day when Isaac barged in through the loft door and started talking without a preamble. His eyebrows knit together in a frown when all Isaac did was look at him as if he should just automatically understand everything everyone is saying without so much as a—

 

Oh.

 

“Yeah, he told the Coach today that he’s going to New York. You have to do something, Derek.”

 

He had spent days thinking about what Laura had said and she was right. Who was he kidding, she was always right. And the rest of the time he spent thinking what he should do to get Stiles to listen to him. If Erica was to be believed, ‘he should do a grand gesture to show his affection’. 

 

Isaac was no help like always and all Laura did was wiggle her eyebrows whenever Derek tried asking her.

 

He was surrounded by idiots. Idiots.

 

After days spent thinking and coming up with nothing, he gave up. Maybe he just wasn’t cut out for wooing. Maybe he just didn’t deserve to find someone.

 

And as he was finally coming to terms with it, Isaac barged in and told him Stiles is leaving.

 

Not today or tomorrow, but he is leaving.

 

For a second his brain said, maybe it’s a good thing. That he’ll get away from this town and from you.

 

But the fear and dread that overcame him just the next instance knocked him over. The mere thought that he might never see Stiles again unsettled something inside him. Even though he hadn’t seen Stiles in eight years. 

 

And to think that they may go back to being two people from the same small town that once upon a time knew each other.  
He was imagining seeing Stiles coming back four years later as a graduate student who has his life figured out and a long-term girlfriend who he proposed to on Graduation day and they’re coming to Beacon Hills to have a quiet weekend wedding.

 

And once again everything he held dear being wrenched out of his hands. As he stood by and took the pain silently. Only to wake up once again and be filled with guilt and remorse.

 

***

 

“Stiles, are you okay son?”

 

“Yes, dad I’m fine.”

 

“Scott called me, he said something about you not being okay.”

 

“He’s just being Scott dad, doesn’t know anything.”

 

“Okay but is there something I should know?”

 

“No, just come to the game tonight. It’s the last game of the season and possibly my last game ever. And there’s going to be a lot of people so get there early.”

 

“I will, wouldn’t miss it for the world. You go home and rest now, we’ll talk later.”

 

“See you, dad.”

 

As he drove away from the station, Stiles thought about how he was lying to his dad. When lying was the one thing his dad begged him not to do. But it wasn’t like he could go and tell him that his son had fallen in love with Derek Hale when he used to sneak out of the house to go meet the older boy. And they’d talk for hours.

 

He couldn’t really tell a man that he might lose his son just like he lost his wife. 

 

He couldn’t.

 

So lying and pretending it was. 

 

***

 

“Laura, he’s not talking. I came in, like five minutes ago and told him Stiles might be leaving Beacon Hills and now he’s stuck on the spot. He’s not moving or talking. I think I broke Derek.”

 

“No Zac, you didn’t break Derek. That’s just his I’m-imagining-everything’s-going-to-shit-and-my-life-sucks pose. He’ll be fine, so what’s this about Stiles leaving?”

 

“Well Coach asked in Econ today where we all were going for college and Stiles said New York. I mean he’s super smart, they’ll take him anywhere. So I came home and told Derek to do something. That was five minutes ago and he’s still frozen.”

 

“Hahaha, that’s a good thing. Now, he’ll finally do something about it rather that moping around all day. I’m hoping this’ll make him go to Stiles finally. Isn’t there a big game tonight?”

 

“Yeah, it’s the last game of the season. Why, you think Derek will go?”

 

“I would be surprised if he didn’t. We’ll see, kiddo. I’m going so I’ll see you there.”

 

“Yeah okay. Bye, Laura.”

 

As much as he wanted to stay, he left Derek in the living room like Laura had asked him. Maybe now Derek would go to Stiles. And if everything worked out, he could finally stop feeling guilty about telling Derek about Stiles and Lydia last game.

 

***

 

Another headache later, he packed up his equipment and drove over to the school. Just as he was slinging the gym bag over his shoulder to walk away from his jeep someone called his name and startled him enough that he flailed around and dropped the bag on the ground.

 

“Stiles”

 

“What?”

 

“I didn’t know. I just, I didn’t think that you—“

 

“Forget it, it’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not. You’re my best friend, always have been. I mean, I love Allison but we’ll always be best friends, Batman and Robin. I just didn’t realize what I was doing, I’m sorry. You’re right I got too caught up in Allison and I replaced you. I did. But I swear I didn’t mean to, it’s just hard when she’s around and everything else just fades away, you know..”

 

‘I know what you mean’, his brain supplied but Stiles stayed quiet and listened to Scott.

 

“I never meant to hurt you, Stiles. You’re my best-friend okay, and you’re my brother. And I need you.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that.

 

As he’s looking down at the ground with his eyes stinging with unshed tears, he feels arms around him and Scott is now clinging to him and there’s wetness on his shoulder but neither of them says anything or moves.

 

After a good minute, Scott finally makes a move to step away but he clings to Stiles once more after pulling back and then lets him go. They both turn away to wipe away their wet faces and walk in silence toward the locker room.

 

When they share a smile just before going out to the field, Stiles knows he has his best friend back. He’s got his brother back.

 

***

 

His eyes scanned the crowd as the team made their way to the field to start the game, he wasn’t sure who he was looking for but seeing his father in the stands next to Ms. McCall calmed him a bit. Lydia and Allison were sitting next to them and already cheering for Scott and him. Jackson scowled when he saw the poster the girls were holding up. Scott was walking next to him and this should’ve been everyone but there was still an unanswered quest in his mind, still someone he was looking for who wasn’t here.

 

The game started out pretty well, everyone was at their best since this game would decide if they won the title this year and he sure as hell was grateful for being given the chance to play. Pink eye epidemic, thanks Greenburg.

 

Minutes before the first half, Stiles scored his first goal and the crowd went wild. He looked over where his dad was standing and yelling how his son had scored. Stiles could tell how happy he was and Ms. McCall was right next to him grinning widely. His dad was proud of him, his smile said it all. He was basically saying, ‘This is my son and I’m proud of him. I love him and he has given me all I could ever hope for.’ 

 

Scott came over to him and patted his back, while Lydia and Allison cheered on loudly from the stands. This was his world, all the people he cared about. And they were all happy for him. 

 

But there was still the urge to turn and look around for that one face. He had felt eyes on him through the whole game but somehow he had suppressed the need and focused on the game. 

 

He turned and sure enough there was Derek Hale, looking right at him with this lost, forlorn expression on his face. There was this complete abandonment in his posture like he could hardly keep himself upright. Stiles thought back to what Isaac had told him just before they got out on the field.

 

“Stiles, he didn’t know. About the panic attack, he didn’t know. Derek was waiting for you in the parking after the last game and when you didn’t show, I came to look for you and I saw you with Lydia. And I just, I’ve known him for two years Stiles and he’s this fake person, he’s build up these walls and he doesn’t let anyone in. Not me and not even his sister, he doesn’t talk to us. The first time I saw him show any emotion was that day we ran into you in the corner store. It was so new for me, he let his mask fall for just a second but I saw it. And then with you and Lydia, I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

 

“Isaac—“

 

“He’s all the family I’ve got left, Stiles. Him and Laura, I just didn’t want him to go back to being a stone so I ran to him and told him before he saw or heard something because that would’ve killed him. I just, I’m sorry Stiles for doing it but I couldn’t let him get hurt again. Just let him explain, once. Please. It was all my fault. And he’s breaking because of it, he’s already broken.”

 

As he looked at Derek now, everything made sense. Isaac’s every word seemed true, Derek did look like he had given up and that he was just as broken as he was.

 

There was this spark he had felt when he looked at his family and friends happy for him and that spark bellowed into a fire when he urned around to see Derek. This fire that was now running rampant through him, coursing through his veins as he ran back to his position for the play to resume. This fire that he thought would never ignite again after he lost Derek all those years ago.

 

This wasn’t about lust or attraction, this was about getting back what he had lost. Getting back what he had thought he would never get back again. This was about a ten year old boy who had looked up at a teenager and thought, this is who I want to be next to me when I go through what my father went through. 

 

This was about looking at a familiar face that was so different now because he had lost his entire family less than a week ago and thinking ‘I want to be here for you’ as that face turned you away and told you never to come back. 

 

This was about a ten-year old boy looking up at a fifteen year old and thinking, I want to spend my life with you.

 

He scored twice during the game but he kept his eyes on the field, not daring to look around and get lost in the wave of emotions that almost knocked him over the first time. His mind kept going back to all the things he and Derek had shared as kids, all the thoughts and the conversations and all the silent ones.

 

They won the game, won the title third year in a row and Coach was on the field now personally hugging every player and telling them he would buy them beer to celebrate even as parents were trickling on to the field.

 

He wasn’t even aware that he was moving till he was standing in front of Derek. Who looked at him with just as much confusion and anticipation as Stiles could feel bubbling inside him.

 

“Why didn’t you go to college?”

 

He looked back at him silently as his eyebrows rose up his forehead to convey that he was totally and utterly lost in this conversation.

 

“You wanted to be an architect. Why didn’t you ever go?”

 

“I.”

 

“Would you go now? With me, if I asked?”

 

“I would go anywhere with you.”

 

This was the Derek he had spent years with. 

 

He wasn’t the Derek who walked around with a mask all the time, this wasn’t who his father warned him against.

 

This was the boy he had lost. 

 

Derek stood there silently like he had said all he needed to say. And he had.

 

That’s all Stiles needed to hear, to know that the boy he loved was in there somewhere and that he hadn’t lost him completely to the fire. A smile crept onto his mouth. Finally.

 

He rushed and launched himself toward Derek, dropping his crosse and helmet. And Derek caught him. His arms went around Derek’s neck and his legs were flailing in the air until Derek’s hands found them and guided them to wrap around his waist and his hands gripped his hips. Stiles looked at him just once more, stared into those eyes that he still couldn’t tell were green or not even from this close. They looked beautiful like they always had though and he supposed that was enough for now as he moved slowly and brushed his lips against Derek’s.

 

He touched them barely and then moved them the slightest bit all the while looking into Derek’s eyes which stuttered closed as he pressed harder and swiped his tongue on Derek’s lower lip.

 

He could feel Derek’s stubble on his jaw as he pushed forward more urgently while the older man just stood still with his eyes closed and let Stiles guide him. Until he finally opened his lips and pushed back, Stiles had never been kissed-bar that unreciprocated kiss from Lydia-and he didn’t know if it was always like this with everyone Derek’s hands gripping his hips were actually warm on his skin as the warmth crawled out on his body. His cheeks were burning and his ears on fire but Derek’s soft stubble was scratching his jaw in just the right way. And Derek’s tongue on his lips and as it crept past and pushed against his own tongue made him moan and grunt and god knows what other awful sound that he was hoping no one else could hear.

 

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, he didn’t care. All he cared about was that Derek pulled back and he panicked that he had changed his mind but when he opened his eyes, he saw Derek looking at him how he used to all those years ago.

 

And a slow, very slow smile-more like a smirk, really- crept up on Derek’s lips as he moved his head a bit and placed a chaste kiss on his lips before pulling back and setting him down.

 

When they turned, the whole field was frozen and every single pair of eyes was looking at them. Some were looking uncomfortable, some like Isaac and a tall woman next to him were grinning, some like his father looked horrified but every single person was frozen with surprise.

 

If they thought their resident bad-boy didn’t have a heart, or that he couldn’t love or that he didn’t deserve it, well they were wrong.   
Derek was better than every single of them, he knew how to love more than any of them did.

 

He had after all, been in love with the same boy for twelve years.

 

***

 

Between Scott waxing poetic about Allison and her pretty dress she had bought for the Prom and Derek, Stiles forgot about his illness. His headaches still came and went regularly but now it was more about how he had the perfect life for now. His dad had accepted Derek, albeit unwilling and begrudgingly. He wasn’t thinking about getting sick anymore. He just wanted to live in this moment before it was once more taken away from him.

 

And that’s why the nosebleed on Thursday caught him by surprise. He had pushed the constant headaches to the back of his mind and apart from the regular dose of Aspirin, he forgot about them. That was until he woke up with a bloody nose on Thursday and ran to the bathroom to stop it. He dripped blood on the floor in the hallway and when he finally looked at himself in the mirror, he realized there was blood on his cheeks from where he must’ve bled before he woke up, his shirt was ruined as blood trickled down his neck and soaked the white collar. 

 

He hurriedly washed his face, stuck tissues up his nose and took off his shirt to wash away the blood. When the bleeding slowed down a bit, he picked up a mop to clean up.

 

As he wiped the floor clean with tissues stuck up his nose and tears streaming down his face, he broke. But he had to keep his sobs quiet so his dad wouldn’t wake up. This was his life, he realized. Not the happy moments he had been living with Derek. 

 

Derek.

 

Stiles was going to be gone and Derek would be left alone again. He will lose someone again.

 

He couldn’t do this, no. He couldn’t do this to Derek. Not again. He had to push him away, he had to get rid of him. So he wouldn’t have to see Stiles going through what his dad saw his mom go through. He couldn’t put Derek through that.

 

He wouldn’t survive, Stiles knew he wouldn’t. He had seen his whole family die, he had buried his parents and his two-month old niece, he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to bury another person. 

 

It will kill him.

 

‘Is that what you want, Stiles?’

 

‘No.’

 

‘Then you have to let him go.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘You love him, right? Then let him go.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

He fought a panic attack that night as he sat in the hallway, shirtless and shivering as tears wouldn’t stop and he had his mouth biting down his hand to choke any noise he might make. He sat there thinking about the mess he was going to leave behind.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So? Whatchu think? Also, like I promised, much more hurt coming.


	11. A broken man on his knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the last chapter. There's an Epilogue. There's also sexy-times. Now, I know some of you are going to want to kill me after this. But, I have the Epilogue. And you won't get to read it if you kill me, so. Anyway, enjoy!

Derek wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve the smirk that was almost permanently pasted on his face now. Not around town though, no. Can’t let the cover slip or they’d all think he was weak. No, just inside his loft or his car or whenever he was alone, he’d find himself smirking – not smiling, mind it – Derek Hale doesn’t smile like a giddy schoolgirl.

 

And it’s not like he didn’t know the reason was Stiles, he did. But it also scared him a bit that one person could change so much in his life. That Stiles had so much power over him. It scared him because the last time he had given someone so much control over himself, he had ended up losing everything dear to him. 

 

But it was okay with Stiles, because he would never hurt Derek. Never.

 

Which is why he was at a loss about why Stiles hadn’t yet asked him to go to Prom with him.

 

The last couple days had been godsend, everything was sliding into place. Isaac was back to being a puppy rather than a distressed teenager because guilt was killing him. Laura had moved out to the floor below and taken Isaac with him ‘to give my baby bro space so he could defile all the teenagers he wants to’. 

 

Stiles had looked around so curiously when he’d first come to the loft, said he loved the big table in front of the window. Derek had stood by the large sliding door feeling a swell of pride as Stiles inspected the place and declared that it was the best bachelor-pad there could be and that ‘the bed needs to be across from the door rather than tucked away in some corner. It would do you some good to sleep in a big room, make you less grumpy maybe’.

 

And that’s why he had thought everything was going great. Even the Sheriff had said so. Granted the dad-voice and the I’m-going-to-leave-my-gun-on-the-table-while-we-talk tactic wasn’t exactly warm but everything he had said and asked of Derek was what any loving parent would do. It had taken quite a while for Derek to explain how and why his son was in love with a full-grown man. But he recounted everything, from before the fire and left nothing out.

 

He figured the Sheriff had been in the dark for long enough and with the realization that dawned on the man’s face once Derek explained that this wasn’t just a high-school crush, that this had been years in the making, he went a little light on Derek. He looked at him with a bit more understanding and maybe he saw something on Derek’s face or he said something he hadn’t meant to let out but once he was finished talking, the man stood up and patted him on the shoulder. When Derek was about to open the door and leave, he simply whispered “Don’t make him fall if you don’t mean to catch him.”

 

If only Derek could explain just how far he would go to catch Stiles every time he fell. Just how far he was willing to go to make sure Stiles was never alone.

 

But by the look on the Sheriff’s face, he could tell that the man was catching on that this wasn’t a phase for either Stiles or Derek. And he was letting Derek stay with Stiles, that had to mean something.

 

Meanwhile, Laura and Stiles were wreaking havoc in the loft and his entire wardrobe was now divided between dark, skinny clothes that Stiles picked because ‘You look hot in dark colors with your stubble and your leather jackets, plus I need to see your abs so wear skinny things.’

 

While Laura’s end was filled with dark reds and purples because apparently ‘you need to live a little, Der and not just wear black all the time and brood in corners. And I don’t need to see my brother’s bulging muscles ever second of every day, Stiles’.

 

Nonetheless, they were getting along just like Laura had predicted. Derek was grateful that at least Laura was here, and that he could share Stiles with her even though his parents would’ve loved him too.

 

Everything was working out so then why would Stiles become distant all of a sudden and not mention Prom or ask Derek to go with him. He waited for the whole week and Laura kept telling him to give Stiles time. And that this was all new for him and he was adjusting, give him space. 

 

“He’ll ask you when he’s ready. Just, don’t worry okay? And stop moping around, you’re a grown-ass man. Can’t believe I’m telling you this, Der.”

 

And he waited. Right until the last day before Prom. But Stiles didn’t ask him. Because Stiles wasn’t around as much anymore, he didn’t talk as much and Derek thought it was because he was taking his time adjusting like Laura had said.

 

He didn’t want to pressurize Stiles into anything he didn’t want so he stayed out of the way. He let Stiles do what he wanted without breathing down his neck every second. He had finally gotten this chance and he wasn’t going to ruin it by being a possessive jerk.

 

But the invitation never came. 

 

On the night of the Prom, Isaac and Erica were getting ready to go while Boyd looked on disinterestedly in Laura and Isaac’s apartment. Laura was working and then going to the Prom directly as Isaac’s date. 

 

And Derek was sitting alone in his loft reading-more like forcing himself to look at the same page for two hours-while glaring his phone into submission. Hoping Stiles would call and ask him to get ready to go with him.

 

Except the call never came.

 

***

 

Stiles beat himself up over Derek every day, every second he thought of how Derek sometimes looked at him when he thought Stiles wasn’t looking and how sad he looked sometimes. Like he wanted to say something but was holding back. 

 

He had seen Derek happy in the past couple days, the Derek he used to be before the fire. But after the panic attack on Thursday, Stiles started to pull back. And he could see that Derek noticed and that it was eating at him but he held his tongue. The smirk that usually settled on Derek’s face when Stiles and Laura argued was gone. The faint tilt of his lips when Stiles pressed his mouth to Derek’s was gone too.

 

But every time he felt the urge to tell Derek or to just embrace him and never let go, he was reminded of how his mom looked in that hospital and how wrecked his dad looked when he sat beside her. He was reminded how Derek had looked when he turned him away all those years ago because he had built up walls around himself.

 

And that look of someone who had nothing to live for is what kept Stiles from asking Derek to the Prom. Because he knew this would be false hope when in reality he couldn’t give Derek anything. 

 

The doctor at Beacon Valley Hospital had confirmed this.

 

“You have cancer. Early stage, operable. High chance you’ll recover if you chose to opt for chemo-therapy. I see that you’re eighteen but I still need to talk to your parents about this. Are they aware?”

 

And he had run as fast as he could before the doctor could figure out he was the Beacon Hills’ Sheriff’s son. He knew they would figure it out sooner or later but he’d rather not tell his dad just yet. The later he knew, the better.

 

All his suspicions confirmed, Stiles went home from school on Friday fielding questions left right and center about prom. His dad asked him about Derek and he made an excuse saying Derek was busy. His dad, the traitor that he was, then called Ms. McCall and told her Stiles didn’t have proper clothes to go to the Prom.

 

Which okay, he had one suit. The one that he wore to his mom’s funeral and that probably wasn’t the best thing to wear to his High-school Prom but Stiles didn’t really care so much about this event. But that didn’t stop his dad from telling on him to Ms. McCall and then running away to the station.

 

What transpired after that was truly traumatizing. Because Ms. McCall forced Stiles and Scott to the mall and then spent hours glaring at them while they got fitted for new suits while she kept berating them both for not telling her the Prom was that day and that Scott’s suit was torn while Stiles didn’t have one.

 

Finally, after getting measured every which way they picked what suits they wanted. Scott picked a shiny blue suit and a dark red-purple scarf rather than the traditional black tux and tie. He looked himself, fluffy and naïve.

 

Stiles decided ‘to hell with it, this might be my last dance so I’m gonna go all out’ and what that translated to was a dark suit jacket with black pants and a silver vest and matching bow tie. Melissa looked at her boys and knew that Claudia would’ve loved this. They both looked perfect gentlemen in their suits, just like their mothers had raised them.

 

As the event got closer, Stiles began to question his decision to go and to not tell Derek. While Scott was in his Allison world chanting her name over and over, Stiles sat on his best friend’s bed worrying. For once in about a year, Scott paid attention.

 

“Stiles, you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. You need to get ready.”

 

“You don’t look fine. Is Derek coming today? Did you two fight? Did he hurt—“

 

“No, Scott. We didn’t fight. I just, I’m okay. I promise. Now, this is our Prom and we need to do this right. Go get changed man, we’re gonna have some fun.”

 

“Are you sure, Stiles?”

 

“There is something but I’ll tell you after the Prom. Promise, Scotty.”

 

“Okay.”

 

And that was that. After that little discussion, they both got dressed to the hilt and when they made their way down the stairs, Melissa and his Dad were waiting for them with huge smiles on their faces. There were flashes almost blinding them but Stiles held back and slowly made his way down. ‘This might be the last time I see them happy like this’.

 

Allison looked like she walked out of a catalogue and Lydia was perfect as usual. Jackson had enough product in his hair that it could last Stiles for at least a year.

 

When they got to the school, it was the usual level of BHH madness plus a tinge more since more than half the student population was tipsy and almost all the teachers well on their way. Coach met them somewhere near the door and patted the boys on their backs. Stiles got a hug-which he didn’t envy anyone for-that earned him a sneer from Jackson and that made it worthwhile.

 

Stiles wasn’t sure when he started drinking the spiked punch or how long they had been at the Prom. Right now he was dancing with Allison while Scott went away to pee or something. The song was in full swing and Stiles was carefully moving along with a slightly bigger Allison when the people dancing stopped abruptly as the noises around them skidded to a halt. The volume of the funky beat dropped as students around them separated like the Red Sea when Stiles turned around to see what was causing all this and he saw Derek walking toward him with a purposeful stride and when their eyes met Derek stared back with a slight smirk on his face. He was dressed up in a dark suit and a dark shirt with a white silk scarf draped loosely around his neck and here Stiles had thought Derek would never look better than he already did every day. 

 

He was faintly aware of Allison taking her arms off him and stepping away while Derek’s eyes bore into him as he strutted toward Stiles like he was the only person in the room and no one else mattered.

 

Maybe, just maybe Stiles could enjoy this one night before this beautiful illusion broke.

 

***

 

Derek was torturing himself sitting on his bed and forcing himself to read about Hercule Poirot’s latest adventure when all he could think about was Stiles. 

 

‘Why hadn’t he asked Derek? Did he change his mind? Did he not want Derek to show up at the school? Was he ashamed of Derek?’ 

 

While he was busy putting himself down every possible way, his phone rang and he leapt for it. In his hurry, he didn’t even check who it was. 

 

“Hey, Der I—“

 

“Laura?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I thought it was someone else.” As much as he tried, he couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice.

 

“He still hasn’t called, huh?”

 

“No. I was reading anyway, so what do you want?”

 

“I want you to throw away that book, put on that Hollywood suit you have and get your ass here asap.”

 

“What? I don’t think—“

 

“You wanna know what I think? I think you’re the most emotionally constipated couple ever. Verbally challenged. I know you’re questioning yourself right now but I’ve seen how that kid looks at you. And how you look at him. It would be the stupidest thing you do if you don’t get here right now.”

 

“But he didn’t ask me. I don’t even know if he—“

 

“Look, I don’t know exactly what he’s thinking. I mean he looks at you like you personally not only hung the moon but designed the whole universe. From how much I know him, he’s probably putting himself down just like you are. Telling himself he doesn’t deserve you or that he’s not good enough—“

 

“He’s always been too good for me—“

 

“So then tell him. Get here and tell him that.”

 

Laura hung up on him after she said that and just like every other time he couldn’t find fault in what his sister told him. Knowing Stiles, he would have to take the first step and let him know that he was here for him no matter what.

 

Derek dressed up in record time and while he was checking his suit in the mirror, his eyes fell on the box lying on his bed. The gift he had bought for Stiles. He thought of how good it would look on Stiles’ smooth, pale skin as his fingers stroked the soft silk. Turning around to look at himself again, Derek pulled the scarf around his neck and let it hang from his shoulders.

 

He drove way over the speed limit as he rushed to get to the school before the dance was closed but when he did get there, it took him a moment to actually get out of the car and walk in. His stomach was in knots and his ears burning when he stepped in and the first person he landed eyes on moved aside to let him walk through.

 

Everyone turned around as he moved farther into the gym, the music slowed down and the students stepped aside for him. His eyes were unfocused as he looked around to find a pair of familiar amber orbs. When he finally saw him, Derek’s world came undone a bit more than it already was.

 

Stiles stood fixed to the spot looking up at him through his lashes as if asking Derek ‘Why are you here? Am I worth this?’ and he answered all his questions when he finally reached him and silently took his hand to lead Stiles further toward the stage where the DJ was set up.

 

As he was walking with Stiles behind him, a slow tune started playing and he looked over to see Laura smirking down at him from where she was standing next to the DJ. Derek recognized this song.

 

He stopped just in front of the stage and turned around to face Stiles who was looking at up at him questionably. He took the scarf from around his neck and put it around Stiles’ reeling him in closer. Stiles smiled up at him and he thought, 

 

‘You are my undoing’

 

just as the Drifters began singing:

 

You can dance  
Every dance with the guy  
Who gave you the eye  
Let him hold you tight

You can smile  
Every smile for the man  
Who held your hand  
'Neath the pale moonlight

But don't forget who's taking you home  
And in whose arms you're gonna be  
So darlin'  
Save the last dance for me, mmm

 

He had never been happier than in that moment when Stiles was holding on to him like he needed him just as much as Derek needed Stiles. They moved slowly to the rhythm, alone at first and then the students around them joined in too. But neither Derek nor Stiles noticed because their eyes were closed as they got lost in each other over and over again.

 

***

 

Stiles breathed in deep when Derek finally stopped walking, his hand was firmly clasped in Derek’s while he ran outside taking Stiles with him. He was lost to the present, he had been ever since Derek had walked in and made Stiles forget every single worry he had in this life. 

 

He shivered as he stood in the cool air outside and pulled the scarf closer around his neck just as Derek reached his hand up to cup his cheek. When Stiles gazed up, Derek was looking down at him and the next second he felt insistent lips on his and just like that every fear, every objection evaporated. 

 

He didn’t know how he held back during the ten minute drive to Derek’s loft, he was going out of his mind sitting there looking at the gorgeous man next to him. All thoughts of sickness were gone from his mind as he sat there looking at Derek who was strictly looking at the road.

 

Stiles turned around to look out the window as the lights sped by, his fingers tracing the soft silk of the scarf wrapped around his neck and he forgot all about illness and death for just once.

 

Derek rushed out of the car the second the engine died and slammed the door behind him. Stiles was a bit slow on the uptake since he was still looking out his window and before he could follow Derek, the door on his side opened and Derek was standing there with his hand outstretched.

 

Stiles ran up the stairs with Derek lugging him behind himself, the elevator dinged the second Derek pressed the button and before he could even comprehend what was happening, Stiles was whirled around and his back hit the elevator wall and Derek was so close that his breath ghosted on Stiles’ cheek but he didn’t move. 

 

He was waiting for Stiles to give him the go-ahead. Stiles rushed forward and crushed his lips to Derek’s and his hands were touching the stubble he had been dying to caress for weeks. Then he pulled back to look at him and when Stiles opened his eyes with his lips still pursed, Derek grinned. He grinned like he used to, like Stiles hadn’t seen him do in years.

 

“You drive me insane, I hope you know this. How stupid I am, how gone I am over you. Goddamnit Stiles, you’re so infuriating.”

 

Derek felt Stiles shudder against him as he whispered in his ear. He pushed forward and took Stiles’ mouth with force. Stiles moaned but he opened his mouth and Derek dipped his tongue in. He shoved his knee between Stiles’ legs and lifted him up till Stiles got the hint and crossed his legs around Derek’s waist and put his hands around his shoulders. Stiles leaned further down and bit Derek’s lip and that made him growl.

 

The elevator dinged and as much as Derek wanted to take Stiles right there, he knew it was his first time and he deserved nothing less than gentle, painless love. And who was he kidding, he’d spend days worshipping Stiles if he could. He probably would, too.

 

Stiles was left breathless when Derek pulled back as the elevator stopped and in a flurry of movement, Derek had moved them into the loft. Just as Derek slid the huge door closed, he turned and pinned Stiles to the loft wall where he had been standing. His head hit the wall behind him when he felt Derek move in close enough that his mouth was right next to Stiles’ ear and lapping at his earlobe. He could feel Derek’s hands go down his back and behind his thighs and he lifted his legs to wrap them around Derek’s back. Right when he was clinging and he wrapped his arms around his neck, Derek licked his lips and while Stiles was getting used to Derek surrounding him with his arms and his scent and his lips, his tongue entered Stiles’ mouth and angrily claimed it.

 

He moved his hand from his neck and pulled on Derek’s hair, his fingers getting tangled up in Derek’s soft hair as he waited and pulled even more sharply when Derek’s tongue became more aggressive and Stiles was loving every bit of it. At the third pull, he felt Derek’s dick twitch against his and Stiles threw his head back at the sensation. It was electric. It was fire.

 

Derek trailed his mouth down his neck and right above his pulse point, he licked for a long second before biting down mercilessly.

 

“I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

 

“No one’s stopping you.”

 

“Oh god Stiles, that mouth of yours. I’m gonna have to find a better use for it.”

 

Derek dipped down his hand and grabbed Stiles through his pants as he let out the dirtiest sound Derek had ever heard. And he loved it. Stiles tried to thrust forward into his hand but Derek removed it suddenly leaving Stiles crying out for more contact. His groans died in his throat when Derek pushed his hips against Stiles’ and he felt the full length of his hard cock. Stiles pulled his mouth away panting as he ground his hips against Derek’s. He was painfully hard and already leaking and Derek’s mouth on his neck wasn’t helping. If he kept grinding into Derek, he wouldn’t last much longer.

 

Stiles was so far gone that he didn’t even know when Derek had moved and carried him away from the wall, and when he had dropped them onto the bed. All he could feel right now was a sharp pain on his collar bone and a sharper hunger deep in his stomach. A fire that he needed Derek to put out. Right now.

 

As he was busy thrusting up into Derek’s hip, his clothes were being taken off one by one and he wanted nothing more than to feel Derek’s skin against his. Like he had dreamed of for years. Like he had done in his dreams only to be woken up by the mess in his bed.  
Stiles looked up for a second when Derek stopped moving. He was looking down at Stiles as if asking him if he wanted this. 

 

“Fuck me.”

 

“You’re going to kill me if you keep saying things like that.”

 

“Do it Derek, pull me open with your slick fingers and then take me. Make me yours.”

 

“Fuck Stiles.”

 

Derek moved a little to get the lube and condoms and set them next to Stiles. He pushed Stiles back on the bed, spread his legs wide as he dipped his fingers in lube. He kissed Stiles’ stomach lightly as his finger trailed along his dick and over his hole. Stiles shouted out when he traced his finger over the hole gently. After stroking it for a while, he felt Stiles loosen and lightly pushed his finger in. Stiles let out a muffled groan, his face was buried in a pillow while his hands held on tightly to the sheets. Derek gently moved the finger in and out until Stiles loosened then he added another finger. Stiles winced and he stopped.

 

“No, don’t stop. No keep going. Please”

 

Derek started moving his finger slowly around and into his hole and Stiles relaxed a little but then he felt a hot breath on his cock and Derek licked up the underside and then closed his lips over the head. His tongue circled around the head and poked at the slit as Stiles screamed at the top of his lungs. His toes curled as he tried not to come.

 

Derek pulled his mouth away and then he moved the finger in gently until his knuckle hit the edge. Then he moved it a bit before he bent the finger inside him and hit his prostate on the first try. Stiles had to shut his eyes and he could see stars. He was going to be done just by fingering if Derek didn’t hurry up and he did. He put his second and then third finger in and started a slow rhythm moving them in and out. Stiles moved his hips along but all of a sudden Derek shoved them in hard and out and in again, the wet slicky noises that they made matched Stiles’ wet moans.

 

“Oh God Derek, just fuck me already.”

 

Derek pulled his fingers out and sat back on his haunches as he reached for the condoms. Stiles made a little sound. Derek turned to look at him but he was blushing and hiding his face. Derek moved up and kissed his ear.

 

“What?”

 

“I was, I was just uh. I was thinking we don’t have to use a condom. If it’s okay with you. I mean I’m obviously clean.” 

 

Derek forgot to breathe for a second. He had slept with a couple people over the years but this he had never done before. But he hand’t been in love with any of those people either, so.

 

“I’m clean too. I got checked recently and I haven’t—“

 

“Only if you want to. I just, I want to feel you inside me. When you cum.”

 

“You’re going to feel me everywhere. I’ll make sure of that.”

 

Derek lined himself and pushed in slowly. Stiles’ back was off the bed and his legs were twitching. Derek paused for a second to let Stiles adjust. 

 

“Don’t stop, fuuuck don’t stop.”

 

He started moving until he was buried fully inside Stiles. He waited a moment to let Stiles adjust but the little shit clenched around him and Derek lost the semblance of self-restraint he was trying to keep in this situation. He pushed in hard and Stiles’ eyes fluttered close and he bit his lip. Derek pounded in hard again and Stiles grunted. He held on to the sheets tighter as Derek thrusted in and out of him at a relentless pace that had Stiles shifting on the bed under him till Stiles reached out and grabbed the headboard. Derek pounded into him and Stiles begged for him.

 

“Derek. Oh god holy shit fuuuucck, Derek”

 

“Oh God Stiles, I’ve been waiting so long for this.”

 

“Yes, yes yeah. Right there, Der oh my god right there. Jesus.”

 

“Oh God, oh yes oh my god fuck yes.”

 

“Harder, Der. Harder.”

 

His senses were so overwhelmed right now and then Stiles wrapped his legs around Derek’s hips. They were breathing hard and sweating and the room was filled with curses and moans and screams of pleasure.

 

He was getting closer but not there yet and Stiles was moaning breathlessly under him until it all became a chant of DerekDerekDerekDerek Derek leaned forward and asked Stiles to open his eyes. He whispered “I love you.” And Stiles came with a shudder and as he clenched hard on his cock, he lost it. He tipped over the edge and spilled into Stiles.

 

His vision blacked for god knows how long before he was consciously aware of his surroundings and that Derek was cleaning up his stomach with a wet cloth. Stiles just moaned from where he was lying boneless, and then strong arms engulfed him and legs wrapped around his just as a blanket covered them.

 

He was sure Derek was asleep and his own eyes were drooping when the truest thing he’s ever confessed to escaped his lips without an effort. 

 

“I love you.”

 

Derek was awake.

 

***

 

Last night had been way better than he could have ever asked for. Derek was everything Stiles believed him to be and more, he looked beautiful like this – lying still with no masks or walls, with his hair mussed and still lost in sleep. And then reality set in.

 

‘You’re going to be gone. Then he’ll put up even more walls than before. He will lock everyone out. And you will be responsible.’  
No.

 

In his hurry to get away from Derek, he pulled the sheet tangled up around his feet and ended up on the floor as Derek shot up in bed to look around himself frantically. 

 

“Hey”

 

Just that. Just that one word, that’s all he said and Stiles could tell how much of himself Derek was exposing to him. How vulnerable he must feel if he let Stiles see this side of him. But he did it anyway. For Stiles.

 

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”

 

He heard a loud crash behind him as he got up, turned around and started putting on his clothes.

 

“Wait, Stiles. Hold on.”

 

“I have to go, Derek.”

 

“No.”

 

He was jerked around at that and Derek held on to his elbow as he looked down at Stiles. He couldn’t bring himself to look up.  
“Don’t you dare do that again. Just tell me what it is. I’m not going to let you do that again.”

 

“I have to go.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“You can’t what?”

 

“I can’t do this.”

 

“Yes, you can. We both can, we just have to—“

 

“No, you don’t understand. I can’t, Derek.”

 

“Make me.”

 

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. When he finally looked up and his eyes met Derek’s pleading ones, he didn’t know how to say no. Perhaps, it was time to reveal his secret.

 

“I need to tell you something. Not here though, get dressed. We’re going to my dad’s.”

 

“Stiles, what is it?”

 

“Derek, please.”

 

“Okay.”

 

The drive home was silent, eerily so. Stiles didn’t say anything, afraid that he might lose the nerve if he said anything, Derek’s hand held onto his over the center console all the way to his house.

 

His dad answered the door dressed in his uniform, he looked like he was ready to leave for work any second. Stiles had a moment of indecision before Derek gripped his hand tighter and he took a deep breath before looking at his dad and making up his mind.

 

“Dad, can I talk to you?”

 

“Yes, yeah Stiles. Is everything okay, son?”

 

“Just, let’s go in for a second.”

 

“Okay. Let me call in to say I’ll be in a bit late then you tell me what it is.”

 

He sat opposite his dad on the couch. He had asked Derek to sit with his dad but he chose to sit next to Stiles instead. They both looked worried and Stiles told himself he couldn’t hold this off any longer and they deserved to know.

 

“I’ve got Cancer. The same kind mom had. Doctor said it’s early and operable but I don’t want Chemo or anything else.”

 

He was looking down at his shoes when he finished so he didn’t see anything until there was a flash of movement next to him and when he looked up he saw Derek’s back rushing away from him. 

 

Derek ran toward the Sheriff when he saw the man become pale and heaving for breath. He wanted to be next to Stiles and hold him and never let go but the Sheriff stood up on wobbly feet and then he was falling down unsteadily and his eyes looked unfocused. Derek rushed forward to catch him before he hurt himself and John gripped his arms hard and as he looked at Derek, he knew Derek’s face was not what he was seeing. He was likely not even processing the current situation, he was definitely in shock. Derek called his name to see if he could hear him but he didn’t get any reaction. The second time he called him, it was much worse.

 

“Sheriff?”

 

“Haaaaah.”

 

“John?”

 

“Aaaah, Claud. Hey.”

 

“John, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me.”

 

“Huh? Claud? Is that you?”

 

***

 

John Stilinski wasn’t elated when his son didn’t come home the night of the Prom but at least he was with Derek. He stopped a second to think that he was trusting Derek Hale to take care of his son. A month ago, he would’ve resisted with all his might to this idea but then in the last couple of days, he had learned things that led him to believe that Stiles was as safe with Derek as he was in this house.

 

He had seen something on Derek’s face when he had come in to the Station last week and told him he was in love with his son. John recognized that look, that’s what he looked like when he had gone to Claudia’s father to ask his permission to marry her.

 

He wasn’t ready just yet to let his son get married but at least he was with a good man. Still, he preferred not to think about Stiles staying with Derek overnight. The doorbell brought him out of his thoughts and he took in a deep breath and told himself it’s okay even if Stiles looks he’s been mauled and that he wasn’t going to threaten Derek.

 

The sight that met him was not what he expected, Stiles looked like he had been mauled alright but more than that he looked like he was searching for something on John’s face. His eyes travelled down and fell on where Derek was holding on to his son’s hand and looking worried. His heart sank when Stiles told him he had something to tell him.

 

That was five minutes ago and right now he couldn’t feel anything. It was like he was numb or underwater, nothing made sense. Everything was moving super slow, he felt like he was falling down and his eyes tried to see where he was but all he saw was darkness lurking around the edges of his vision, like he was in a tunnel.

 

All he could hear was, “Cancer. Like mom. Cancer. Like mom. Cancer.”

 

He was aware of arms touching him and someone calling his name distantly but he couldn’t speak. And he couldn’t move or see anything. Then, he heard her.

 

“John, he needs you. Our son needs you.”

 

Claudia.

 

“Aaaah, Claud. Hey.”

 

“He needs you, John.” 

 

“Huh? Claud? Is that you?”

 

“John, can you hear me?”

 

That wasn’t her. 

 

Derek.

 

He was in his living room with Derek Hale, asking him if he was okay. His wife was dead. And now his son had cancer.

 

If there was something that could whip a man back to reality cruelly, it was the knowledge that his child might die before him.

 

“Stiles”

 

Within a second, he felt his son run to him and put his arms around his dad. Stiles needed him right now, and he was going to be here for his son. 

 

He gripped him tight as tears welled up in his eyes and Stiles was choking back sobs too. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head to find Derek looking at him. 

 

It was like looking in a mirror.

 

This was how he remembered that fateful night. The face that stared back at him when he had looked in the mirror after Claudia had told him about her sickness. That’s how wrecked Derek looked right now.

 

Derek didn’t know about Stiles either.

 

‘Stiles needs me. They both need me.’

 

And with that John let out a deep breath and pulled Derek in behind Stiles. His son was going to be just fine. They were all going to be just fine. 

 

***

 

Stiles sat at the kitchen table quietly eating his Eggs Benedict all the while refusing to look up even when he could feel eyes on him. His dad and Derek sat opposite him, not a single word spoken between them since the big revelation about half an hour ago. 

 

Seeing his dad have a panic attack was chilling. The man he put on a pedestal, the man he believed to be the strongest person reduced to incoherent thought and unsteady steps unsettled something deep in him. It reminded him that his dad was only human. But he still was and always will be Stiles’ hero.

 

Derek looked like a train had ran him over, his hair was disheveled even more than when he woke up. He had his mask back on, the frowny-stoic face but every couple of minutes it was slipping. It was like he was trying so hard to not think about what Stiles had just told him but then every now and then the truth slipped in through the façade. 

 

Stiles did not want to be the reason for anyone’s discomfort. Or pain. And that’s why no one had known about his discomfort and pain until now. Even now, Scott and Ms. McCall didn’t know. Neither did Allison or Lydia or anyone else. And he certainly wasn’t looking forward to telling them. The two people sitting at the table with him were all the broken people he could handle for now.

 

“We should go to the Ice Rink for the High School walk.”

 

That would be a good distraction. High School Walk was a Beacon Hills tradition- the day after the Prom, town people went to the Ice Rink and applauded for that year’s graduates. Stiles remembered going to the rink as a kid with his mom. He and Scott used to skate around for hours talking about how they were going to be the best graduates Beacon Hills has ever seen. 

 

He wasn’t going to take that away from Scott.

 

“Yeah, you should go to work though. And Derek, you need to go home too. We’ll go to the Rink tonight.”

 

There were protests from both of them but Stiles was stubborn. He got his dad to go to the Station despite his objections. Derek was harder to convince but Stiles got him to leave too but not before a promise that Stiles would text him hourly and that he’d be back before Supper.

 

Stiles smiled as Derek kissed him at the door and made whiny noises before leaving. He needed all the support he could get, but right now he needed to be alone. And Derek respected that.

 

As much as he didn’t want to, Stiles drove over to Scott’s and sat his best friend down. Ms. McCall and Allison were there too. He was having a hard time looking up at them because staring at him was his brother and the woman he had accidentally called mom many a time.

 

When he did finally say it though, Scott rushed over to him and held him so tight Stiles had to tell him to loosen up a bit. And Scott didn’t hold back his sobs either, he cried openly and now they were both a wet, sobbing mess.

 

Ms. McCall embraced him like only a mother could and she kept saying they were going to get him the best doctors. Allison was sobbing by herself on the couch so Stiles sat down next to her and she latched onto him like an octopus. 

 

It took a while to get them all settled down but now they were all looking at him worriedly when he told them he was not going to get Chemo-therapy. 

 

They looked like they were going to argue but Stiles put on his This-is-my-final-decision-don’t-waste-my-time-with-arguments face. They quieted down after that, although he knew this was not the end of this. If he knew any of these people, there would soon be an intervention or something where they would try to back Stiles into a corner to agree with them and get operated on.

 

It had been a tough day and they all recognized that so when he said he was going to go home, no one protested. It didn’t stop Scott from forcibly driving Stiles home though. He had been at the McCall house all day and now they were going to the Ice Rink. Maybe, it was good that they didn’t leave him alone. 

 

God knows what he would’ve done if they did leave him be. He had hurt all the people he cared about in the span of one day. The guilt was over whelming.

 

When he got home, his dad and Derek were seated on the kitchen table. He was hoping he could get an hour alone before Derek came around or his dad came back. Also, this looked suspiciously like a planned ambush. It was.

 

Scott walked past him and sat down next to his dad.

 

“Son, have a seat.”

 

“Dad—“

 

“Please Stiles.”

 

There was an empty chair next to Derek but he had an intuition that he might be better off pulling that chair out and sitting a bit separately from the table.

 

“Stiles son, I’ve already lost your mom. And I know I haven’t been the best father, with the drinking and the never talking about her but I promise son I’ll change. I can’t lose you too. I’ve only—“

 

“Dad—“

 

“Stiles, please let me finish.”

 

His dad was looking at him with a wet face, a wet and stern face like it took everything he had to say this without breaking down.

 

“I should’ve been around more. I should’ve noticed that my son was dying. I wish I’d been strong enough to talk about her and to make you feel like I was here. That you weren’t alone. But I failed you and I failed her. Now, I’m going to fix it. I talked to the doctor, he said the operation will most likely be successful. And that Chemo is a good choice too. I’m going to get you the best doctors, son. I’m going to save you. I am.”

 

“Dad, you’ve been the best father in the world. You’ve always been there for me. Maybe we didn’t talk about it like other families do but we’re not built like that, you and me both. I love you. And I’d do anything for you. But I can’t do this. I won’t.”

 

His dad was about to talk when Scott stood up and started talking, cutting him off. He moved across the table toward Stiles as he started speaking in a broken voice,

“Stiles, you’re my brother. You’re, I need you Stiles. With Allison and the baby. Please listen to your dad, mom said we could get really good doctors. Please get the treatment. Don’t you want to meet her, your god daughter?”

 

“Scott buddy, I’d love to meet her. And see her grow up and go to her Prom. But sometimes, life doesn’t work out like that. Mom told me that, the day in the hospital when she…”

 

“But the doctors are saying that Chemo is going to work. You’ll be fine Stiles, we’re all here for you. What are you afraid of, son?”

 

“I don’t want to do it. I can’t do that to you, not again. To Derek. Seeing me lying helpless in a bed frail and dying every day like you saw her. I don't want to choke down 40 or 50 pills every single day, and lose my hair, lie around, too tired to get up, and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. You cleaning up after me. I can’t do that to you again, put you through that and give you false hope when I’ll be gone anyway. I don’t want to be artificially alive. I don’t you want you to remember me like that, counting down days till I wither away. So no, I’m not going to do it.”

 

His dad and Scott looked at him stunned, like they had never made that connection in their head. Like this was all so unprecedented that they couldn’t even comprehend it.

 

Derek looked back at him with a plea in his eyes, begging him without words. He hadn’t spoken a word yet and he looked like he wasn’t going to either. But Stiles knew him. And he knew that Derek was thinking of how he had lost his family. And how he was going to lose Stiles.

 

He knew that Derek was silently begging him to not die. And that he wasn’t going to argue, he wasn’t going to debate or give Stiles logical reasons. 

 

***

 

This was the day from hell. Almost everyone knew what was happening when they finally got to the Rink. God knows how they found out, but they did and there were pitying looks and warm hugs. And this is exactly why he didn’t want to tell anyone.

 

He didn’t want anyone to look at him like he was weak, like he didn’t have a choice. 

 

But he did have a choice. And he chose to go on his own terms.

 

***

 

All the looks aside, they had a great time at the rink. Everyone was elated at finally finishing high-school. Allison and Ms. McCall were sitting on the benches along with his dad while Scott and Stiles skated around-more like goofed around.

 

Derek wasn’t here yet.

 

Stiles knew that he needed some time. And he respected that. 

 

And yet there was a little part of him nagging and saying ‘What if he packed up and ran away? What if you finally pushed him over the edge?’

 

He couldn’t help the sigh of relief he let out when he saw Derek walking in the door of the rink. He didn’t stop at the benches and he didn’t stop to put skates on. He kept walking. With his eyes trained on Stiles, he stepped on the ice and kept walking toward him. 

 

When he finally reached, Derek kissed his forehead and Stiles could see from here that his eyes were red. He’d been crying. And his hair was not styled perfectly anymore, it was falling over his forehead and his lips trembled when they touched Stiles’ skin. His hands were shaking.

 

But he didn’t say anything, he just looked down at Stiles with the same pleading look on his face. Stiles didn’t know what to do, he could feel his will weakening. He caught himself thinking that maybe, just maybe the operation might work. Chemo might work. He could have Derek forever. They could grow old together and be the grumpy old couple who yell at children from their window.

 

While he was lost in thought, Derek moved his lips away and his arms slid to around Stiles’ shoulder and then lower and lower till Derek was on his knees and clutching to Stiles’ waist with his face buried in his sweater.

 

Stiles moved his hand to card his fingers through Derek’s hair as his grip on Stiles’ waist tightened and he nuzzled against his stomach.  
Stiles closed his eyes and the only movement he felt was Derek’s breath against his clothes and the dampness that now covered his wet sweater and seeping in and the cold sensation of wet cloth against his skin.

 

The town looked on as the big bad wolf they were all scared of was reduced to tears on his knees clutching to a boy, begging wordlessly to not leave him.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I know there's pain and I'm sorry. But like I promised, there is a happy ending. It's the Epilogue. I will update it as soon as I finish it but promise, it does end happily. Don't kill me, okay?  
> A couple things: I never went to a prom so all of this is based on what I've seen on TV. I didn't realize that Prom is in summer but I wanted the last scene on ice so I made up the whole lame town tradition. I know it's bad writing, sorry but I wanted ice.  
> Second, the Prom scene is closely related to the Brian/Justin scene because it was perfect and I love it. The cancer speech is based on Walter White's speech from Breaking bad.  
> And here's what I pictured them to be wearing:  
> Scott:https://www.google.ca/search?q=tyler+posey+suit&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=aUuOUpq-Lo7JsQTx0IGIBg&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1024&bih=676#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=1lJnLdJcGAl6KM%3A%3BZxCzpk2drEg0YM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fstyle.mtv.com%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2011%252F12%252Ftyler-posey-da-man-3.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fstyle.mtv.com%252F2011%252F12%252F09%252Ftyler-posey-da-man-magazine%252F%3B424%3B550  
> Stiles: http://www.google.ca/imgres?sa=X&espv=210&es_sm=93&biw=1024&bih=676&tbm=isch&tbnid=DBfbtV1_l9kcBM:&imgrefurl=http://saniday.tumblr.com/post/49354055957/dylan-obrien-on-new-girl-2x23&docid=7wPo6vpjUb-tNM&imgurl=http://25.media.tumblr.com/debc8c8f6dd0d4d1e52626125b4903dd/tumblr_mm4c675WMH1qb84lwo1_500.gif&w=500&h=452&ei=G02OUtbrEuiwsAT4w4Ag&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:20,s:0,i:148&iact=rc&page=2&tbnh=185&tbnw=227&start=12&ndsp=17&tx=65&ty=51  
> http://www.google.ca/imgres?start=100&sa=X&espv=210&es_sm=93&biw=1024&bih=676&tbm=isch&tbnid=9IAom6tO4i-UeM:&imgrefurl=http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/TDL97XzCJdu/New%2BGirl%2BVirgins%2B2x23/4WBmLYjzUp5/Dylan%2BO%27Brien&docid=KHrIeq25Hw9TtM&imgurl=http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/zp/Dylan%252BO%252BBrien%252BNew%252BGirl%252BVirgins%252B2x23%252B4WBmLYjzUp5x.jpg&w=1024&h=576&ei=OE2OUoq4OajSsAS-l4G4CQ&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:13,s:100,i:43&iact=rc&page=7&tbnh=168&tbnw=261&ndsp=17&tx=107&ty=74
> 
> Also, leave a comment. Or a cake. Whatever you want.

**Author's Note:**

> You know the drill, if you like let me know so I know there's someone reading. I'll continue if you want me to.


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